Hoiberg Looking Good As New ISU Coach

The eyes that can melt a thousand cougars' hearts

Newly named Iowa State men’s basketball coach Fred Hoiberg is facing a multitude of challenges as a first-time head coach. “The Mayor”, as he’s affectionately referred to by ISU fans is now more than a month in and is still learning the ropes of the job.

Hoiberg has yet to round out his staff, has already dismissed a player and is inheriting a roster that returns five scholarship players. All daunting tasks indeed, but it’s an unforeseen problem that is posing the biggest challenge to Hoiberg in his new gig.

“Soccer moms,” Hoiberg said. “They’re all over Ames and for the life of me, I can’t shake them.”

Hoiberg said that since he’s returned to his hometown, women between the ages of 25-55 have been practically throwing themselves at him due to his good looks, and it’s interfering with his responsibilities as a head coach.

“The older ones are especially troubling,” Hoiberg said. “I believe the college kids call them cougars. Whatever you call them, they need to stop.”

Shutting down his Facebook page, getting an unlisted number and even bringing in an ISU police officer to monitor surveillance of his home are just a few of the measures that Hoiberg has been forced to take. The latter being the most frustrating to Hoiberg.

“Seriously, the fact that I had to hire a cop to keep these bimbos off my property is just ridiculous,” Hoiberg said.

The security officer was brought in as a result of a string of “boxer raids”, believed to be performed by sorority women from the ISU Greek community.

The Great Pi Pi Pi Boxer Raid of '03, forever captured by a PPP house waterpainter

“A boxer raid is where we break into your house and steal your boxers and decorate your chapter’s composite picture with our sorority letters,” said ISU senior and president of Pi Pi Pi sorority, Tiffany Stewart.

Stewart went on to say that she has participated in over 25 boxer raids during her time at ISU but denied any responsibility for the latest string of raids at Hoiberg’s home.

Hoiberg claims that he now locks up his under garments in a secured safe to prevent having to go “commando” into the ISU basketball offices.

A 43-year-old Ames woman, who requested not to be identified, gave her synopsis of the Hoiberg situation.

“It’s not like I want to leave my husband and three kids for him, but I really just want to bone him,” the woman said. “God he is so dreamy. Would you just look at those eyes and that beautiful, athletic body. He’s pretty tall too, so I bet he’s hung.”

Hoiberg’s wife refused to comment on the situation, but Hoiberg did say that she’s not happy about it.

“I love my wife and I would never do anything to jeopardize my marriage or my family, but you know how jealous women can get. It’s like I have to apologize for my looks, even though I haven’t done anything wrong,” Hoiberg said.

ISU Athletics Director, Jamie Pollard was unavailable for comment as he was reportedly in Chicago doing some stalking of his own, an official in the ISU Athletics Department said, speaking on anonymous conditions only.

“(Pollard) is off kissing ass to the Big Ten commissioners, but the amount of fan mail Hoiberg has received is off the charts,” the unnamed official said. “I’ve seen some of the mail, and you would not believe what these women are sending. Half the time, they’re sending naked pictures and there have even been a few erotic videos. Fred doesn’t want any of it, so we usually pass the pictures on to the other coaches and athletes. Hell, even the softball players volunteered to come in and screen the mail.”

Good looks alone will not be enough to turn around an ISU program that has been marred by player defections and bad basketball for the better part of the last four to five years, however.

ESPN analyst Fran Frascilla said that Hoiberg is going to have one of the more challenging rebuilding jobs in the country.

“First, let me say that Fred is really good looking. I mean really, really, really good looking. I’m sorry, I forgot what we were talking about. Oh yeah, Hoiberg is an attractive man and I’m sure he’s a real tiger in the bedroom, but still a gentle lover…I’m sorry, I lost my train of though again,” Frascilla said.

After several minutes of prodding, Frascilla finally focused and said that Hoiberg needed to start by recruiting better players, but was unable to divulge any further analysis and asked to keep the picture of Hoiberg that he was shown.

Although Hoiberg feels like he’s being followed and harassed like a movie star, he did say that he is enjoying being home and relishing the opportunity to coach his alma mater.

“I’m having a good time getting to know the players and recruiting,” Hoiberg said. “It’s nice that I have basketball to get my mind off this mess.”

Some of the ISU players, however, think that Hoiberg’s boyish good looks and athletic physique might cause problems next season.

“My girlfriend has asked me a couple times what he looks like in the shower,” ISU senior LaRon Dendy said. “I’m like damn bitch, the coaches don’t shower with us, I have no idea.”

Fellow ISU senior Diante Garrett said the love infatuation that these women have with Hoiberg reminds him of “Bieber Fever”.

“I love spinning some Bieber tracks, so I know how obsessed all those teeny-bopper broads are with JB,” Garrett said. “It’s really the same thing with coach and I’m sure it’s going to be a nuthouse on the road next year. It’s already tough enough to win in Lawrence and Columbia, but can you imagine what it’s going to sound like when you put a bunch of half-drunk white bitches in those arenas?”

Hoiberg said that he’s looking forward to putting a quality team together and bringing some respect back to Iowa State.

“You’ve got to block everything else out and just concentrate on basketball,” Hoiberg said. “These women will do what they do, but we just need to become a better basketball program.”


3 Responses to Hoiberg Looking Good As New ISU Coach

  1. Dan Presley says:

    I find all this hard to believe. Fred is not Elvis. If true, I feel sorry for him. I’m sure, once the novelty wears off, Fred won’t need to take the measures he supposedly is taking now.

  2. cjwick says:

    its all true – it’s on the internet isn’t it?

  3. Pingback: WRNL sits down with Hawkeye Basketball Coach Fran McCaffery « Wide Right & Natty Light

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