Summer Sports – Episode 1

Well folks, summertime is finally here. Finals week is over, college students have meandered out to a quiet life of working to pay for tuition (or in my case) to have enough money for alcohol for the fall.

Summertime also brings on what I like to call sports hell. The NCAA tournament is over, baseball is in miles 7-16 of its marathon season, there’s no football action at any level – outside some message board asshole starting a daily thread about “Big 10 expansion” (I hereby promise that this sentence is the ONLY TIME you will see me type those words until it happens) and the NBA is keeping ESPN afloat with Month 8 of the playoffs.

Flipping through the channels, however, I was shocked to discover that – holy shit – there are actually sports going on in the summer. Since there’s a long way to go until fall semester starts and NFL training camp kicks off in late July, I figured I’d spend some time “analyzing” these mysterious sports.

Part 1: Indecision 1997 1998 1999 2000 2001 2002 2003 2004 2005 2006 2007 2008 2009 2010

This week’s topic isn’t really a “sport” per se…it’s become more of a summertime “tradition”. Of course, I’m talking about the annual Brett Favre “should I stay or should I go” clusterfuck.

God dammit, Brett. Not again.

Yes folks, the Super Bowl has passed, Brett Favre has knocked his team out of the playoffs by giving the ball away easier than a fifty-cent hooker, and just like the drunken SoHo of the party, has realized that something outrageous needs to be done to get everyone’s attention again.

Unfortunately for Brett, the past few years are kind of hard to top.  First it was the tearful “retirement” from Green Bay, followed by trademark Favre flip-flop and an un-retirement.  After a private shitfit thrown by Aaron Rodgers in Ted Thompson’s office, Brett was traded to the J-E-T-S! JETS! JETS! JETS! After faltering down the stretch, another “retirement/un-retirement” led to the unthinkable…

That sonofabitch signed with the Minnesota Vikings.

Being a die-hard Packer fan my entire life, it was unbearable.  Fortunately, two things made it easier to handle:

1.) His first game back was a pre-season game against the Texans.  I live 20 miles from Reliant Stadium.

The chance to boo a beloved childhood character. I finally understand what it's like to be an Eagles fan.

2.) “Mark my words – it’ll be a great ride until he throws a dagger interception in the playoffs to end the season”

Any football fan who didn't see this coming is either delusional or a liar

Off my tangent.  Yesterday, our beloved national sports media decided it was bored with the Celtics’ march through the NBA playoffs and asked for a Favre update.  The result…

Childress on Favre: We’re texting, but not talking

Ol’ Neckbeard and Brett are “texting” – not TALKING, mind you – but TXTING. Is it just me, or does this sound like something you’d hear from a couple of middle schoolers? We’re not dating, we’re just hanging out…then again, maybe it’s more like that slutty SoHo we mentioned trying to justify her skankiness…I didn’t sleep with him, I just gave him head…a couple dozen times.

Childress is going to have to give Brett a better handie this year if he wants him back...

Well, that wasn’t enough.  Like a Great White smelling blood, Favre frenzied to the media and decided to make a statement this evening.  So he spun the “Wheel of Favretune” and wound up with…

You've got to be shitting me...

Favre will return if Southern Miss returns to CWS

You read that right, folks.  Brett Favre is putting his NFL future in the hands of the 30-20 Southern Mississippi Golden Eagles baseball team, his Alma Mater.  There’s no better way to make a decision than to completely take it out of your hands.  I mean, you could just flip a coin or something, but hell, that’s too easy.  This way, you don’t have to take any responsibility, and you put some extra pressure on a bunch of kids that are half your age to win or have a bunch of football fans hate their guts.  It’s win-win, baby!!!

So, the way I see it, there are three possibilities.
1.) Southern Miss makes the CWS and Favre comes back
2.) Southern Miss misses the CWS, and Favre comes back anyway
3.) It doesn’t matter, he’s just waiting for training camp to be over again so he doesn’t have to practice as much.

Stay tuned for tomorrow’s update from the Brett Favre news feed…

Next week: Track and Field

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5 Responses to Summer Sports – Episode 1

  1. geronimusclone says:

    Some of us Vikings fans hate Favre too.

  2. CanAzn says:

    I think it’d be much faster to list the people who like Favre than people who dislike him

  3. JStro02 says:

    I like to hate Brett Favre. I also like to watch him get face planted by the Saints. And I couldn’t agree more with this post. We are officially in the Baseball / NASCAR / Tennis / Way too damn much soccer season. How much longer till football season again?

  4. tx_chica says:

    A summer sports column and not one mention of the “vuvuzela.” You’re leaving the low hanging fruit….

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