Know Your Enemy Part 2: University of Iowa

Welcome to Part 2 of a weekly series here at WRNL which will give you, our wonderful readers a chance to get to know the opponents on our fall schedule a little bit better…

Week 2 of the 2010 Football season finds the Clones facing their hated arch-rivals, the University of Iowa Hawkeyes, in what is one of the more underrated rivalries in terms of fan passion in the country – even though Hawks pretend like they don’t care.  Let’s take a closer look at the Hawks…

Stadium: As you likely know, Iowa plays their home games in Kinnick Stadium, nestled in the heart of the U of I campus (I use the term “campus” loosely) in FABULOUS Iowa City, IA. In fact Iowa City is so fabulous, that scenes like this are common on game day.

I'm sure he's just trying to help his buddy get something out of his teeth...

After some significant renovations a couple of years ago, Kinnick went from being an unmitigated dump, to being a pretty nice stadium. The problem with Kinnick, is that it’s filled with Hawk fans.

Q: What do you call 65,000 dipshits inside a brick wall? A: Game day in Iowa City!

From the entitled, excessively hair gelled guido wannabes from Chicago, that look like they just got kicked out of a Jersey Shore casting call for being too drunk and bitchy, to the folks that just took out a 2nd mortgage on their trailer to cover the cost of season tickets, to the legions of halfwits donning “ISWHO?” or “Iowa Fucking City” t-shirts, the amount of arrogance, and self righteousness can be a tad nauseauting.

Of course, now it sounds like we’re just being spiteful and rude, so in order to show you how really super bad ass Hawkeye fans actually are, Ladies and Gentlemen, exhibit A:  

Mascot: I’m going to come out and say it right now:  Herky the Hawk is a no good, un-American, freedom hating, Nazi bastard.  Just look at the picture!  Right arm clearly extended, as he’s ready to lead the throngs of Hawkeye Nation in mass chants of “Heil Hitler!”

Sieg Heil!

He’s clearly a threat to national security, and should be eliminated ASAP.  Besides, the costume looks like it was assembled from leftovers from the set of Spaceballs.

I bet he gives good helmet

Plus, we hear he likes to cross dress on the weekends.

Team:  If you follow college sports at all, you know that Iowa’s defensive line is one of the best in the country, and their secondary is nothing to sneeze at. These guys, along with a solid receiving corps that can turn short passes into big gains when they get some space, are the main reason the Hawks will be a top 10 opponent when the Clones roll into Iowa City.

But for the love of GOD do NOT tell Hawk fans this! Their initial reaction to this suggestion will to be start foaming at the mouth, convulsing, and eventually, after ranting and raving about him being a “winner”, will start masturbating vigorously to a picture of their Vampire loving, interception prone QB, Rick Stanzi.

Looks like Edward is really "forcing the interception" here...

Stanzi has a penchant for playing well in the clutch, but his penchant for bad play throughout most of the game gives powerhouses like UNI and Arkansas State chances to hang against the Sqwaks. There are a lot of reasons to fear Iowa’s team this year, but a grown man who likes Twilight movies and takes his fashion cues from Brad Childress isn’t one of them.

Against ISU: If you look at a record sheet, it reads that the all-time series record is 19-37 in favor of Iowa. However, as any Hawk fan will tell you, this is clearly a farce. ISU has never once beaten Iowa, EVER. In those 19 occasions where, at the end of the game the scoreboard indicates that the Cyclones have ammassed more points than the Hawkeyes, and thus under the traditional rules of football (and indeed general society) have “won” the contest, Hawk fans will be quick to point to a litany of reasons why this does not count. They generally range from such things as “the refs hosed the Hawks” to “Iowa doesn’t care about this game” or “it’s ISU’s SuperBowl”, but rarely, if ever has ISU actually beaten the Hawks.

Don't let your eyes fool you. LaMarcus Hicks is not actually returning this interception for a TD

In fact, the University of Iowa has never actually been outplayed and “beaten” by another opponent in it’s history. Just ask a Hawk fan.


10 Responses to Know Your Enemy Part 2: University of Iowa

  1. Brent says:

    Fantastic, as always

    Dont forget the excuse, “well if we don’t throw those interceptions or fumble the ball, it’s a completetly different ballgame.”

  2. Brent's Mom says:

    Brent, stop being such an internet troll and come rub your mommy’s sore feet!

  3. Brent's Mom's Mom says:

    Stanzi’s gay

  4. I am a Cyentist says:

    “…the main reason the Hawks will be a top 10 opponent when the Clones roll into Iowa City. But for the love of GOD do NOT tell Hawk fans this!”

    Way too true. No problem respecting the Hawkeye’s talent. Small problem hearing it blown way out of proportion by a majority of their fanbase.

  5. Hawk4life says:

    Apparently, this statement is true”….it’s ISU’s SuperBowl”! For the LOVE of GOD, it’s only May and you CyClown idiots are already talking about this game, a game by the way, where you will get a beat down by more than 4 TD’s! Enjoy your toilet bowl win last year and call us when you win a bowl game that has some significance!!

  6. Al says:

    Hey Hawk fan dipshit! Can you read? Did you know that they previewed Northern Illinois last week? Doesn’t that mean that NIU is ISU’s Super Bowl? You know that they’re doing this for every team ISU plays and not just Iowa, right?

    Seriously, it’s as if being a Hawk fan lowers someone’s IQ by 10 points. You guys are so programmed to just scream these particular insults at ISU, you don’t even bother to check if they make any kind of rational sense.

  7. Swampfox says:

    Bravo! Bravo! Well played with the Chicago guido line.

    I made the mistake of asking a hawk fan how the team was looking this year. I then blacked-out for 10 mins. while he ranted, only remembering bits and pieces of something about 4 Ndamokong Suh’s playing on Iowa’s Dline.

  8. Al says:

    What’s funny is that every time I talk to a Hawk fan about football, they carry on for at least 10 minutes before you get a word in, they expect you have a full knowledge of Iowa’s roster, and then they can maybe name Alexander Robinson. Maybe.

  9. Mark says:

    Ask anyone wearing black and gold if they actually attended the U of I. 9 out 10 will tell you no. Does attending Kirkwood and taking a math class from a prof that teaches at Iowa count?

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