The Return to Doucheland…errr Deutschland

"Have I told you about Mein Kampf?"

This week WRNL caught up with former Cyclone douchebag Lucca Staiger via telephone interview to ask some questions about his sudden departure from the Iowa State basketball team. Our main question pertained to why he felt the time was right to leave Iowa State and garnered this response:

“Lames so fucking cold. That ass hole white American took my spot, and Lucca Staiger don’t sit on bench. Lucca Staiger play basketball. Bitches don’t fuck bench players. Bitches fuck star players, like Lucca Staiger. I come home hero, I come home and drink good beer, I come home for real women. Who do you say you were again? Lucca Staiger have better things to do. Fuck off United States.” Click.

After some in-depth research by our very own Schwab, we couldn’t help but come to the conclusion that the only thing shittier than Ames during the winter is the defense of one Lucca Staiger. The only time WRNL has seen a subject get burned more than Lucca on defense was when WRNL’s very own st8te got Chlamydia to go along with his overactive bladder, but that’s a story for another time.

The next piece of information the Schwab brought back to us was that the only person catching more time on the bench than Lucca Staiger is Judge Judy. Watch out for those couple minutes per game of mop up time, and that’s only when he plays. To put this in terms everyone can understand, the chances of Lucca playing are roughly the same chances he went up for a layup at Iowa State. We can only attribute this to one thing, and that’s Lucca likes his basketball like bedroom golf, and the balls stay out of the hole.

Don't tell us you wouldn't hit it.

Now we know you’re all thinking, “Well, he said bitches don’t fuck bench players, what kind of dipshit leaves the place the girls bend over backwards for him?” We got in touch with our sources who sent us back these pictures of Lucca’s significant other, Albrech.

Lucca, just admit it, we all know why you left. It wasn’t because it was cold…or because the kraut sucks…or even because VEISHEA is no Oktoberfest: you just hate Jews. It’s in your blood….like Americans hating the Germans for bombing Pearl Harbor! It’s fine…we understand. It’s no different than fans hating players that walk out on their team in the middle of the season!

The good news out of all this? At least he didn’t transfer to be closer to home and end up at Washington State or something.

Come back in the future to see your updates on former Cyclones!

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