WRNL’s Top 10 Ugliest Athletes
May 26, 2010 14 Comments
While we WRNLers are by no means a good looking bunch… there are certain athletes out there that make us hate our parents’ genes just a little bit less. Without further ado, The Inaugural (2010) Edition of WRNL’s Top 10 Ugliest Athletes and their lookalikes:
10. Big Papi/Esther Rolle – Starting out our top ten is David Ortiz. If he were here to defend himself Ortiz would likely tell you, “I an no ugly. You am one who makes the ugly, not a the me. I an Big Papi”. Yea, I don’t really know what he’s saying either. At least with Ozzie Guillen I can make out “Fuck” a dozen times or so. Papi doesn’t necessarily crack our top ten based on solely his own merit. He gives the assist to Esther Rolle, or Florida Evans as she was known on the 70’s sitcom “Good Times”. Papi’s striking resemblance to the aforementioned meat wad of a woman has snuck him in the backdoor of our top 10. And Papi knows a thing or two about back doors. After all, he’s currently getting bent over by rapper Jay-Z for attempting to steal the name of his nightclubs.
9. Serena Williams/Chewbacca – “Now that’s not a very accurate comparison”, you might be saying to yourself. “I mean Serena is ugly, but Chewy?” Well, let me break down the 3 biggest similarities for you. 1) Back and facial hair – although she visits a groomer before making public appearances, the 5 o’clock shadow is typically ever so slightly visible come the 3rd set. Tie breaks are her worst enemy. You wouldn’t want to see this thing more than a few days old either, it’s like Aunt Jemima and teen wolf had a child and encouraged its use of steroids. 2) A small but functioning penis, hidden from view – This one’s difficult to pull off for Serena considering the small tennis skirts that are encouraged by the USTA to boost ratings through actual attractive players (see Sharapova). But Serena has a crack team of penile concealists that help tuck, stretch, and pull that thing back to where even in high definition it is virtually undetectable. 3) Speaking Shyriiwook– if you listen to Serena while on the court, you’ll hear a sound similar to many of the famous phrases patented by Chewy every time she strikes the ball, “Nyauurrrrrrrurrrr”. Now try to tell yourself this comparison isn’t spot on.
8. Dirk Nowitzki/Sig Hansen – Now dirk is an ugly man, however he does look surprisingly similar to known badass Captain of the Northwestern Sig Hansen, so he’s got that angle working for him. How do we know Dirk is one ugly dude? Because he’s an NBA all star and still can’t even pull decent ass. I mean did you see that chick that he was engaged too? She looked like the octomom after a life long addiction to meth. Holy crap Dirk, if that’s the best you can do we might have to move you up a few spots on this countdown. In the past Dirk often shaved both his head and face, at which point he became even uglier. I believe at some point his family sat him down and had an intervention asking him to grow his hair and goatee out in order to try and hide as much of his face as possible. Similar efforts have proven effective with both Mr. T and Hagrid from Harry Potter.
7. Joakim Noah/Master Splinter – Joakim parlayed his role as “Master Splinter” in the hit early 90’s films Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (that had to be him, didn’t it?) and a starting role at the University of Florida into what might actually become an extended NBA career. I mean he plays right? Or did Vinny Del Negro just have guys shooting rock paper scissors before game time for who would go stand out on the court that night and watch Derrick Rose score 40? His striking resemblance to the rodent dojo master is certainly indicative of his ability to handle himself in the paint. I mean if you can take down the Shredder, no big man in the Eastern conference stands a chance at holding his own against you down low. Well, unless there’s green ooze involved, but Rodman didn’t make our list so we’ll save the green cloudy discharge talk for a later segment: “NBA players and the STI’s they have”. Noah, the fact that you can pass your National championship rings through the gap in your teeth certainly impressed our panel of judges, but you’re just not ugly enough to crack the top 5.
6. Patrick Ewing/Ape – Being 7’ tall, getting rejected like a fat girl at the Sadie Hawkins dance didn’t happen all that often to ‘Ol Patty Aloysius during his NBA career. But we’re not talking on the court here. Ewing is the only member of our list to garnish a small movie role on his resume that can be attributed to his monkey face. Now that’s rejection! “Hi, Patrick? We’d like you to make a guest appearance in a movie we’re making. No, it’s not really about basketball; we just wanted the ugliest person we could think of to have a small role in our film. Oh, you’ll do it? Great!” Wow, that’s gotta be embarrassing Pat. Almost as embarrassing as the time you were rejected in a game by 5’3” Charlotte Hornets guard “Muggsy” Bogues. Anyway, luckily for his son, Pat Sr. landed a decent woman and the only trait that was passed on from the old man was his height. I mean could you imagine if Ewing had procreated with some WNBA player? It would be like Mr. Ed meets Planet of the Apes [shudders]. Thanks for looking out for society’s best interest on that one Pat, and best of luck with the coaching career. I heard Isiah Thomas is looking for a few good assistants these days.
5. Alex Ovechkin/Jaws – I’m just going to be blunt here, Ovechkin looks like Jaws from “The Spy Who Loved Me” aged 30 or so years. And of any character from a Bond film, that’s probably the last person anyone wants to look like. Even that dirty little guido midget from “The Man With The Golden Gun” has a better look these days. Ovechkin doesn’t seem to mind his appearance though. Instead of getting a haircut, waxing his unibrow, or fixing his teeth so that they don’t resemble those of a backwoods West Virginian, he chooses to run around putting dirty hits on other players in the hopes that their face will one day end up similar to his. Spiteful bastard! Although like many of the not so aesthetically pleasing athletes that made our list, Ovechkin actually has a girlfriend. He met her over the Internet on what we can only assume to be a Russian mail order bride website. You don’t need to woo her Alex; the wife tag is included in the cost of shipping and handling. He probably thinks strippers like him too?
4. Greg Oden/Harry Henderson – Greg has to be the oldest looking 22 year old ever. The inspiration for Benjamin button resembles what can only be described as the love child between Morgan freeman and Robert Parish. And to think we were lucky enough to stumble upon those nude photos that surfaced a while back, oh boy! Greg Oden is easily near the top of the long list of NBAers who make Flavor Flav seem like a good looking dude. Oden, with his folding cheeks and that caveman protruding forehead thing he has going on gives Harry from “Harry and the Hendersons” a run for his money in a Who Would You Least Like To Meet In An Alley Late At Night contest. Hopefully your knees hold out Greg, because after seeing your freak dance photos from your time at tOSU, I’m guessing Soul Train won’t be calling any time soon.
3. Sam Cassell/Alien – If you needed undeniable proof that it’s possible to survive a half birth abortion, here it is. Sam Cassell is easily the ugliest American born athlete of all time. Consistent with an artists rendering of some kind of alien life form, I would have to classify Sam as mix between ET, Yoda, and a scrotum. If there truly is what has been commonly referred to as an “ugly stick”, then Cassell has been beaten by it within inches of his life. No Halloween costume for this guy, he’s scaring the shit out of children 365 days a year… “Oh my God mommy, it’s Gollum from Lord of the Rings, don’t let him hurt me, please!” However the astonishing part about this is that Sam actually has a pretty attractive wife. Only further proving that no matter how hideous looking you are, if the price is right, somebody will still be willing to bang you. See, there is still hope for Amy Whinehouse!
2. Aleks Maric/Herman Munster– This one hits a little too close to home doesn’t it Nebraska fan? It’s only fitting that towards the top of our list comes a candidate that donned the symbol of what it means to be a truly unattractive individual; the big red “N”. After all, the most famous and likely best looking person to come out of Nebraska is Larry the Cable guy. Aleks is one of many uncut Euros to cross the pond for the NCAA hoping to be noticed by pro scouts. However, Maric was noticed more so for his likeness to Herman Munster than for his basketball abilities and has since returned to his home country of Serbia. Little is known about Maric these days other than he is happy in his home country seeing that he can walk the streets without being ogled and laughed at. He is said to be employed with a funeral home in Mockingbird Heights, a suburb of Belgrade.
1. Franck Ribery/Sloth – Anyone who actually watches soccer knows Franck Ribery, midfielder for Bayern Munich of the German Bundesliga. When he isn’t taking dives and faking injury on the field, Franck enjoys banging under age prostitutes and continuing an open competition with Sloth, made famous by the hit 80’s film Goonies, for ugliest freaking person on the planet. I mean just look at this guy! Recipients of curb stompings have better-looking grills than Ribery. Even Carrot Top thinks this guy looks like a freak! When they say a “face that only a mother could love” they’re not referring to Franck. Ribery has a face that only a mother could refrain from holding under the water in the bathtub until its legs stops splashing. The only question I have, is how in the hell did he talk that prostitute into letting him defile her with what I can only imagine has to resemble a right angled baby arm covered with ingrown hairs? We here at WRNL salute you Franck for being the ugliest athlete we could find via Google search. We also salute you, underage prostitute, for having low enough standards/enough of a crack habit to allow Franck Ribery to bang you.
Honorable mentions – Kyle Singler, Gheorge Muresan, Marshawn Lynch, Ronaldinho, Tyrone Hill, Keith Tkachuk, Peyton Manning
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