WRNL Sits Down With Hawkeye Basketball Coach Fran McCaffery

WRNL was able to secure an exclusive interview with new Iowa Basketball coach Fran McCaffery. We asked him all the hard hitting questions regarding turning around their program and what he thinks of the recently appointed Cyclone coach Fred Hoiberg. Take a few minutes to read this unedited and uncompromising interview
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Pregame shootaround at Carver? Nope - A Real Game!

WRNL:  Welcome Coach McCaffery, thanks for taking the time for us.
Fran:  Anything for a news organization of your stature.
WRNL:  So … Fran … that’s a funny name. I suppose if you were a girl your parents would’ve named you Fred?
Fran: Funny.
WRNL: Was their second choice ‘Dorothy’?
Fran: (silence)
WRNL: Rebecca?
Fran: (long pause) … lots of guys are named Fran.
WRNL:  Name 3
Fran:  Myself, Fran Tarkenton, Fran Musial.
WRNL:  Ummm, that’s Stan Musial.

Stan, with an S, is not amused.

Fran:  Well, Tarkenton anyway …
WRNL:  And the Nanny
Fran(appears confused)
WRNL:  Was your chemistry with Charles Shaughnessy more than just on-screen?
Fran: One, Fran Drescher, ha ha, I get it now. Two, who doesn’t want to get with Charles Shaughnessy?

WRNL:  Touché
WRNL:  So does it bother you when people say the Obama administration is creating a “nanny” state?
Fran: (silent) [we assume laughing on the inside]
WRNL:  Was your nickname in your playing days the “the nanny goat”?

can you guess which one coaches the hawks?

Fran(agitated) Actually it was White Magic … are you done?
WRNL:  Never.
Fran: At least my name’s not Lickliter

WRNL:  There is that. Fran is no “Ashley Lelie” …
Fran:  Who’s that?
WRNL:  Dick Trickle?
Fran:  Sometimes, but I’m getting older … what was the question?
WRNL:  Nevermind, tell us about your new gig.
Fran:  Well, I’m the new coach of the Iowa Hawkeyes and I look forward to getting the program headed in the right direction.
WRNL:  Anybody gonna see it? We hear Carver’s pretty empty these days.
Fran:  I’ve already met over 20 basketball fans in my short time here.
WRNL:  The players don’t count.
Fran:  Well more than 10 anyway. I’m looking to turn Carver into a real home-court advantage.

Despair reins in Carver arena

WRNL:  Good luck with that. We recommend baiting them with pall malls and a-shirts.
Fran:  I’ll think about it.
WRNL:  Tell us what you think about new ISU hire Fred “The Mayor” Hoiberg.
Fran:  Well, he’s certainly easy on the eyes.
WRNL:  We’re well aware of that, how about coaching wise?
Fran:  Well, he’s new … inexperienced might be a word … how do I put this? … It’s going to be interesting.
WRNL:  We’re hoping to keep him for a while, how about you? Planning on staying with the Hawks long term?
Fran:  Well, of course. Although long term is relative – full social security payout is only a few years away for me.
WRNL:  Congratulations?
Fran:  Thank you, although I plan on being the ‘JoePa’ of the basketball coaching world – we already see the same proctologist.
WRNL:  Small world…
FranSmall something
WRNL: (confused and scared) Care if we move away from all this rectum talk?
Fran:  At my age it gets discussed a lot – every heard of a rectal prolapse?
WRNL:  Please stop. Seriously.

mmmm... prostate exams.

Fran:  Another 50-60 years and you’ll be here too
WRNL: (nervously) Can we stop now?
Fran:  It’s your interview.
WRNL:  You’d never know, Thanks Fred.
Fran: (crazy eyed) It’s Fran
WRNL:  Your loss.
Fran: (tears begin to well)
WRNL: (uneasy) Ok then … I think that’s a wrap – Thanks again. I hear your wife calling you anyway. By the looks of your wife going nuts in the stands, I’m guessing she’s quite a tiger in the bedroom, Fran.
Fran: (wipes eyes) … Yeah, I gotta pick up some more Viagra on the way home.

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5 Responses to WRNL Sits Down With Hawkeye Basketball Coach Fran McCaffery

  1. I am a Cyentist says:

    Holy shit, is that photo up top real? It’s been about ten years since I’ve been in Carver-Hawkeye, but that is downright pathetic.

  2. weak sauce says:

    all images used in this story are real.

    • I am a Cyentist says:

      Yikes. Poor Fran. Getting a prostate exam is never fun, but getting one from a cartoon character? Those animated fingers would have to hurt…

  3. Snowcraig says:

    That was hilarious!

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