From the Desk of the Governor

In response to yesterday’s Craigslist ad, WRNL received countless emails ranging from second-rate athletic conferences extending expansion offers to claims that ISU in fact did not invent the computer. However one response to the ad stuck out above the rest. Our very own state of Iowa Governor Chet Culver sent us his own desire to ensure ISU remains in an AQ conference.

Dear WRNL,

I’m writing in response to your ad I saw on Craigslist today. Your wanted Ad said you had a 152 year old land grant university, I was just wondering at that age what kind of condition it’s in? I also see that it says you are very good at Olympic sports. I just love figure skating, especially that Evan Lysacek, so this definitely interests me. I am also curious about the commissioner you have that’s “free to a good home”. As you probably know, in times of financial crisis you can’t beat free so I’m sure we could find some odd jobs around the capital building for him to head up. Does he have any knowledge of gerrymandering? I believe I might be able to help you in your current situation. See, I have this friend Sally who works for Iowa College. She has a say in who the Big 10 adds to their conference and I’m pretty sure I can push for her to help us out. This could really help I think. Anyway, to show you that I’m seriously interested in your institution, I will make mention of this situation publicly to illustrate my support. Please feel free to email me back at this address if you have any questions. You can call me at the number listed below as well, but not on Tuesdays as I’m a sucker for “The Biggest Loser”. Hope to hear back from you soon.

Signed,

Gov. Chester J. Culver
electCHETagain@iowa.gov
515-555-2010”

Vote for Chet in 2010!

Gee, it sure is nice to see a politician finally willing to look out for the little guys, not just attempt to use them for their own political gain right? Wait, what? Well Chet, as much as we appreciate your willingness to work on our behalf, I think we’re just going to handle this one on our own. Thanks but no thanks. After all, we’ve seen what you can do when you go all in and get your hands dirty ‘cough’ budget cuts ‘cough’. Our Craigslist ad, left to its own devices, most likely would have been more beneficial to ISU’s initiative of not getting left out in the cold in times of conference realignment than your “assistance”.

Statements issued by Chet in his attempt to woo WRNL: Des Moines Register

We’ve always known Craigslist was great for finding two women to oil us down with the possibility of a happy ending at a cheap price, but who knew the governor of Iowa is on there looking for BCS teams to help?

WRNL has also learned that the restaurant chain Culvers is also supporting Iowa State to the Big 10. The home of the Butterburger, Culvers originated from the state of Wisconsin, a current Big 10 stronghold. Culvers released the following statement:

“We at Culvers support and encourage the Big 10 to open its arms and hearts to Iowa State as many Iowans have opened their mouths and stomachs to us. Our expansion into the state of Iowa has proven Iowans appetite for burgers and desserts, and we know that their appetite for Big 10 football will be just as insatiable.”

I've never tried "your mom". I wonder if it tastes like cheap gin and valium?

It certainy is reassuring to know that ISU has both politicians, questionable intentions aside, and fast food restaurant chains looking to vouch for them. That ought to show the big 10 we’re serious!

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