Sunday’s Big 12 Conference Meeting

Kansas City, MO – Big 12 Athletic Directors are meeting with Dan Beebe to discuss the viability of the Big 12 after Colorado and Nebraska announced their departures.

DeLoss Dodds, evil genius.

DeLoss Dodds: Well boys, your GodKing Deloss Dodds is gonna tell you, we had a hell of a run with y’all, but we’re getting the hell up outta town. That sumbitch Larry Scott gave Texas a sweeeeeeeet deal. DeLoss gets golden slippers and a lifetime supply of aspercreme! Oh, and Texas gets some extra money too. By the way, where’s that daggum Baylor at?

Dan Beebe: Something about shabbas, I don’t know..

Lew Perkins: Awww crap. This is gonna be a bad year for me. First Mangino, then UNI, then the ticket scalping fiasco. Now I gotta tell my fans that even though we have one of the best sports programs in the nation in men’s basketball, we’re probably going wherever those bottom feeding Cyclones and those Benedict Arnold-esque Missouri assbags are going? I might as well change my name to Kanzaz to be douchey like them.

Jamie Pollard: Man, even Fred Hoiberg can’t save me on this… Good thing I have that sex tape I made with Paul Tagliabue’s wife for blackmail. We going to the Big East yo!

John Currie: Can we come too? We’re really really good at academics!

Pollard: Aren’t you guys Tier 3? Eh, Whatever, why the hell not? I love me some Frank Martin.

Perkins: JP, I know you probably hate me, so if I announce my retirement, can we come too? Please?

Pollard – Only if you get me some courtside tickets for some NCAA tourney games next year.. I know you can scalp me some…

(door flies open)

Big Boy Mascot: Yo Boss DeLoss, Beebe-bot called me, said the Big 12 was going down. I have a proposal for you…

Beebe: (clinging to Dodds’ leg, humping away) Is that OK Master Dodds? I sure hope I haven’t done anything you wouldn’t like…

Dodds: Yes, Beebe-bot, you’ve done well, here’s a Beggin Strip for you.

Big Boy Mascot: So here’s the deal, we’ve always want to sponsor a conference, but I never liked how that little fucker Lil Red looks like my retarded evil brother. Now that you up and got them to GTFO, I’m throwing in some money for the TV deal.

(phone rings)

Mike Garrett: What the hell is this shit? Texas is joining my conference? We’re already fucked because we paid Reggie off and the NCAA finally found out about it… now this? I’m gonna be fired in no time. The NCAA told me I had to stop paying players, but I’m free to offer you guys 30 million to keep Texas over there. I still have nightmares of Vince Young.

Beebe: Me too!

T. Boone Pickens – rich, possibly senile OSU grad: Hey whippersnappers, what’s going on? Just caught the tail end of my Matlock episode and I hear this here Big 12 is fading. This is unacceptable. I didn’t spend all that money to play in the Pacific… My money stays in oil country, to be spent on Depends, Zac Robinson’s hair products, and discrediting John Kerry.

Ian McCaw: (finally shows up) Sorry, we were meeting with the Sun Belt about possibly reaching an agreement. What’s all this talk about Texas not leaving?

Dodds: Ian, you will now refer to me as Papa, and you will rename your football stadium “We’re only here because we couldn’t get Texas tickets” stadium. Otherwise we’re leaving you and all these chumps high and dry. That’s the deal.

McCaw: Yes Master DeLoss… I mean Papa. We will do as you say, please have mercy on us, and don’t invite TCU. Those meanies tried to keep us out of the Mountain West!

Dodds: [chuckles] And I thought it was easy to bend A&M over… I’ll invite whoever the hell I want.

(phone rings)

Corso off camera around the ESPN studios. Hungry?

Stuart Scott: Hey, can we still pitch in for this network? If Texas goes to the Pac-10, Fox will own everything, and we’ll have nothing to broadcast. You know how fucking annoying Lee Corso is when he’s talking about college football? Just imagine dealing with him in the studio when there’s no college football for him to broadcast. I’m so tired of that asshole making the “not so fast, my friend” joke when my lazy eye can’t catch up to my other eye. We’ll overpay and match what those Pac 10 tools are offering you, and you get to put together your own Longhorn network too.

Garrett, Big Boy, and Pickens: Plus what we threw in on top of that!

Dodds: So I get all this matched? DeLoss gets golden slippers and a lifetime supply of aspercreme AND Kush? So we get the same TV deal the Pac 10 was offering plus more? And we get to put together our own TV network? Go Beebe-bot, make it so.

Beebe: YES, MASTER! (scurries away)

Dodds: Shit… now what am I gonna tell Larry Scott? That idiot thinks we have a deal…

Gene Stallings: I’m still thinking of bailing to the SEC. We don’t always want to be in your shadow, Texas. Wait, I gotta check with daddy if that’s OK though… DeLoss? can we go to the SEC?

Dodds: Hell no, you will be our little bitch until the end of time. No more of this “forging your own identity” crap. Now go to your room without dinner. Actually, great new idea… almost as awesome as when Noah decided to build that Ark. I’m gonna tell Larry that we can’t come because you guys won’t. Pimpmaster Dodds ain’t taking the hit for this. Beebe-bot, get Larry on the phone!

Stallings: FINE! (Goes off to have a hissy fit)

Larry Scott: (bursts into meeting unannounced)  Hey! Have you decided to accept yet? We’re thinking about changing the Pac 10 logo to burnt orange for you!

Dodds: Larry, got some bad news for you… A&M wasn’t on board with the Pac-10 so the deal’s off. DeLoss ain’t sorry, but he’s sorry for you.

Scott: You expect me to believe you give actually give shit about A&M or anyone that isn’t UT? Really? Go die in a fire.

Dodds: Well, that went better than expected. Delaney told me he was going to slit my throat and shit down it when I told him we used him. So should we announce this deal tomorrow? Maybe play it off like Texas saved the Big 12 out of love for the little guys even though we really just made a shitload more money for ourselves?

Everyone Else: Ugh… do we really have a choice?

(phone rings)
Mike Bohn: Hey friends! I know we left in a huff and puff but you think we could come back? Now that the conference isn’t dissolving, we really can’t afford the buyout… Cut us a break? Please? We’re already so broke we can’t even fire our football coach! Pretty plea-

(Everybody hangs up on Colorado)

Pollard:  Soooooo, what about the non-refundable down payment I made to secure a billboard up in Syracuse that reads “This Is Cyclone Country”?

Dodds: Don’t worry, we’ll just let stupid Colorado take care of it. But after that, you should know that we’re taking all the shares of the the Colorado and Nebraska buyouts. A&M and OU needs their allowances for the week. Now everyone else leave, except Beebe-bot. Mack and I have some stuff to discuss with him…

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3 Responses to Sunday’s Big 12 Conference Meeting

  1. MythBuster says:

    Entertaining and creative. I have a friend in Hollyweird that needs to see your writing. Twisted. Perfect.
    Tom Stanton (sheet music salesman turned AD) has not been Baylor’s AD since Bliss split.
    Ian McCaw (aka “The Canadian”) is BU’s AD.

  2. tx_chica says:

    Love the Burt Reynolds/Corso merge……I just threw up a little in my mouth…..

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