Know Your Enemy Part 5: University of Utah

EDITORS NOTE: Due to our massive raging boner about Mormons, we got off track and skipped to Utah early. Texas Tech preview will be up next week.

Part 5 in a weekly “up close and personal” look at a 2010 ISU Football opponent.  While we’ve been vindictive, stupid, hypocritical, and just plain mean in prior pieces, here at WRNL, we want those few Utahnians who enjoy the effects of the drink to know our hearts go out to you.  They truly, truly do.

STADIUM: The Utes call Rice-Eccles Field, in Salt Lake City (also known as “America’s Tehran”) home.  They’ve amassed quite a homefield advantage there over the past 5 years, but what Rice-Eccles is most well known for isn’t what’s on the field.  No, Rice-Eccles is home to, BY FAR, the longest bathroom lines in college football. And if you break the rules of the lines, you’ll be subject to a firing squad.

Everyone's taking a leak

But what is the root of this phenomena?  Utah, as you all know, is run by Mormons.  Mormons have enacted a “NO MORE FUN OF ANY KIND!” policy, and 3.2 beer is pretty much the only kind of booze available.

Gov. Dean Vernon Wormer, Utah (R)

If you’ve ever tried to get smashed off of 3.2 beer, you’d know that basically no matter how much of the stuff you drive into your greasy old cheeseburger locker, you won’t feel it.  Thus, everyone spends the whole pregame chugging the crap, and half of the first quarter pissing it out, in a vain attempt to have as much fun as the rest of the world.


MASCOT: Utah’s teams are known as the Utes, a local native American tribe.  Their mascot, however, is a Hawk named Swoop, that can throw down a sick-ass railslide.  Why they picked a Hawk to represent the Utes is beyond me (but it’s 100% logical for a team called the Cyclones to have a cardinal for a mascot).

Double pits-to-chesty!

One can only assume that at one point they had an insanely racist mascot which played highly off of Native American stereotypes, and the NCAA had a shit fit.  We choose to blame the Mormons, because Mormons are totally racist.  You ever see a black Mormon?   Didn’t think so.

TEAM: Up until yesterday, Utah was the poster child for everything that’s wrong with the BCS.  Today, they’re sucking it’s cock.

Congrats, Senator Hatch. You are now the most hypocritical man in America!

But seriously, the Utes have slayed everybody over the past few years, starting with their embarrassment of Pitt in ’05, and most recently their embarrassment of ‘Bama in ’09, and we’ll need a hell of an effort to get a ‘W’.

When they aren’t kicking your ass on the field, those crazy Mormon bastards will be going door to door, trying to save your soul.  While the Jehovah’s Witnesses haven’t let the Mormons compete in the Annoying-Door-to-Door-Religious-Zealots-Championship-Series (or ADTDRZCS), the Mormons have been putting up better numbers, and will be petitioning Congress and making a stink, until the Pac-10 lets them in because Texas turned them down.  Wait…..

AGAINST ISU: The Clones are actually 4-0 all time against the Utes, with the first game being played all the way back in ’70.  While the Clones may fight an uphill battle on the field, ISU should walk away with the drinking game competitions in the tailgate lots.  Seriously, any ISU fan that loses a drinking related competition to someone from a State run by Mormons should have to wear a Hawkeye shirt and drink Smirnoff like the dickless pussy they are.

Congrats, you just got outdrank by a FUCKING MORMON.

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49 Responses to Know Your Enemy Part 5: University of Utah

  1. Utard says:

    Was that supposed to be funny?

  2. Utard says:

    site says it’s a “satirical” look, but the art of satire is completely lost on you. enjoy your beat-down from Utah and go get smashed on more Natty Lights.

  3. GoHawkeyes says:

    Dude, Utah plays in Ames this year … so what point were you trying to make? GO HAWKEYES!

  4. Jake says:

    I know many black Mormons. You are a bigot, sir.

    • Utah_Native says:

      It is humor, the truth has been taken blurred and taken out of context to make it funny.

      The Utes are not literally sucking the cock of the BCS. I know this to be a fact.

      The mormons are also not racists. If you look though, you can see how there are facts to make a joke from…

      If you know a lot of black mormons then you didn’t meet them in Utah. You probably went on a mission to Africa. I grew up mormon in Roy, Utah. I went to church every week until I was an adult. I never met a black mormon in person. If you count the black mormons I have seen on TV you could say I know many. If you count a fireside where there are thousands of people I may have met a black mormon, I don’t remember one though.

      Below is a link to an article from the mormon times admitting it is tough being a black student at BYU. I purposely chose the article from the mormon times, there were others that weren’t as nice. Of the 30,426 students at the time 158 were black. That is because BYU has been making a concerted effort to increase the black population.

      Of those 158, what percent do you think were on a sports scholarship?

      http://www.mormontimes.com/article/11978/Being-a-black-student-at-BYU-can-be-difficult

  5. Utes Beatdown BCS Teams says:

    Even this non-Mormon Utah fan knows there are like a quarter-million Mormons in Africa. not to mention Gladys Knight and Thurl Bailey.

    Obviously this is all you can come up with, being an Iowa State fan and all, since the Cyclones never win anything. Have fun pleasuring yourself to pictures of Marcus Fizer and Seneca Wallace.

  6. Utes Beatdown BCS Teams says:

  7. You'reStuckInAmes says:

    I can see how 3.2 beer would be a problem if I were a Cyclone fan. Tolerating that disaster of a program would require being in a constant state of drunken stupidity.

  8. Iowa Ute says:

    Nice to see bigotry is alive and well at Iowa State. What a horrible attempt at humor and satire. You should be ashamed/embarrassed.

    • I am a Cyentist says:

      Bigotry? Making fun of Mormon’s is slightly less slanderous than making fun of Scientologist’s. Mormon’s have just been around longer.

  9. You'reStuckInAmes says:

    You Iowa State fans better work your knees when Texas comes to town. They saved your asses from dropping to the Sun Belt Conference where you belong.

  10. ThatGuy says:

    You Utah people are ridiculous. Congrats on destroying the likes of Colorado State and San Diego State on a regular basis and having to get up to play one, maybe two games all year. Maybe you would all chill out if you could have a beer and laugh at yourselves a little bit, but instead your going to take everything to seriously and pray to a God that once called Independence, Missouri Zion. Congrats losers.

    And the only reason that there are “tons” of people in Africa who are Mormons because the conversations went like this….

    Mormon Missionary: “I’ll give you some rice if you say your Mormon”
    African: Click Clack Clack (translated…yes I would love some rice, please whatever God I have to pray to for you to give me that rice I want it, please, please just give me the rice”

  11. The Corporation says:

    This isn’t “talking trash.” This is just religious bigotry. Sad, unfunny and very pathetic. No wonder no conference wants your pathetic school and equally pathetic athletic department.

  12. TheSeventy says:

    Oh good god just take a joke!!! He makes fun of everyone on the schedule, thats pretty much the whole point of this site.

    • The Corporation says:

      If he was making fun of the University of Utah that would be fine, but he’s not. He’s bashing a religious minority that isn’t even affiliated with the University of Utah. I suppose you also think antisemitism is funny.

      • I am a Cyentist says:

        Total strawman argument. Judaism is race and nation of people, while Mormonism is a religion one can choose to belong to. And besides calling Mormons annoying religious zealots (which they can be), there weren’t a lot of direct shots taken at Mormons in this piece.

      • CanAzn says:

        Depends. Is Iowa State playing Hebrew College this year?

      • The Corporation says:

        It’s only a strawman argument if you are completely ignorant of the Mormon’s history and beliefs. In the mountain west, Mormonism is a distinct ethnicity whether or not one chooses to practice the religion. BTW, I’m not even Mormon. I just graduated from Utah. I am also black. (Yes, there are black non-Mormons in Utah). This is no different than racism, you’re just stereotyping and hating a religion instead of a race. Enjoy last place in the Big 12. You deserve it.

      • CanAzn says:

        A black guy graduating from Utah.. that’s almost as crazy as an asian guy graduating from Iowa State!

      • I am a Cyentist says:

        What the HELL does race have to do with anything? Mormons are an ethnicity like Catholics or Scientologist s are an ethnicity, and I have no problem making fun of either of those groups.

        Sidenote: God, I can’t believe got dragged into an argument about Mormonism in a football preview. i need to lighten up.

      • samual brimley says:

        These previews are going to get really dicey in a few years when ISU opens up against Fisk. The corporation is not gonna like that one bit!

      • The Corporation says:

        It seems to me the whole problem is that a post purporting to be about an upcoming football game is instead about bashing a religion and making ignorant remarks about that religion. And what does race have to do with it? The post implies there are no blacks in Utah (false), no black Mormons (false) and that Mormons are racist (false).
        Don’t worry though, the apparent ignorance and bigotry of Iowa State fans will not hurt the school’s academic reputation (It has none), it will not hurt recruiting (no one wants to come there) and it will not hurt your athletic department (you suck at everything).

      • CanAzn says:

        I will go ahead and assume offering a complimentary copy of Chappelle’s Show as a peace offering from WRNL will do no good since you seem to be offended at all stereotypes in the name of humor?

      • the facts says:

        looks like ISU sucks at athletics, right corp?

        check this link http://www.nacda.com/

        notice ISU ranked at 31, and utah not even listed?

        BOOM, ROASTED!

  13. st8te says:

    I’m completely offended by this article. I love 3.2 beer. you heartless bastards!

  14. jeff says:

    I KILL YOU!

  15. Al says:

    I think it’s funny that they made a comparison between Salt Lake City and Tehran, and the Utah folks are totally pissed about their religion getting made fun of. Hmm… that doesn’t sound like any other denominations that have declared Holy Wars on the USA does it?

    Good to see that the good folks of Utah can take a joke! Have a beer and lighten up. They make of fun of themselves too.

    • I am a Cyentist says:

      Seriously. Turn the other cheek, Utes! Have you learned nothing from those Foundation for a Better Life Commercials?

  16. samual brimley says:

    This article was not quite to my liking. However, both of my wives thoroughly enjoyed it.

  17. normanunderwood says:

    The Corporation is cordially invited to the WRNL Tailgate in lot G7. We will have kool-aid, lemon bars, multiple wives and free hugs. Looking forward to your RSVP!

  18. cy-flippn-birdie says:

    The Corporation is still pissed about his appearance on The Apprentice, you know when he flinches as The Donald says “you’re fired”.

  19. geronimusclone says:

    Did that hack actually say ISU has no academic reputation?

  20. CYphyllis says:

    I think it’s time to ease back on the Mormons and give them credit for one of the greatest sexual revolutions ever achieved, the art of soaking:

    The art of having sex, without thrusting. When a couple “sticks it in” and then leaves it there to “soak.” This has become a common phenomenon with certain groups of Christians(predominately Mormons) who try to circumvent the law of chastity.

  21. cyman says:

    Relax Ute Fans!! Gee Whiz! What a touchy bunch of babies. Better get thicker skin for the Pac 10. I know playing in front of 7 fans at Wyoming, 3 at Colorado St, and 2 in New Mexico have not prepared you for major conferences fans yet!!

  22. Your Mom says:

    OMG Utah fans are a bunch of douchebags.

    Love it

    • Utah_Native says:

      I am completely confused here. I am used to conversations like this all the time. Usually it is between Utah and BYU and BYU is the douchebag. I think these comments have been hijacked by BYU fans.

      The mormons at the U are more open minded and can take a joke. BYU fans fall into a category of hyper sensitive people with a persecution complex.

      Seriously, I have either been transported to an alternate universe or these comments are from BYU fans. That is why our rivalry is so intense.

  23. Nippy Fonda says:

    I think I’ve had zits on my scrotum w/thicker skin than The Corporation. I’ve never seen someone take such an obvious joke so seriously.

    Except for those ra-tards on Tiger Board.

    • st8te says:

      i think if the “zits” are that thick, we’re probably talking ingrown hairs. trust me, I know a thing or two about penile growths

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