Checking In On America’s Pastime

So if tennis headlining Sportscenter and LPGA golf taking over network television for an entire weekend weren’t good enough indicators of a lack of meaningful sports being played during mid summer, then Chris Berman’s relentless “back, back, back, back, BACK, BACK” ear bludgeoning home run call certainly drives that point home.

The MLB All Star game and home run derby are officially the breaking point at which one begins to question if football season is ever going to finally get here. 80 something games into it, none of which mean anything up to this point, and baseball hits you with a beer league esque event that decides home field advantage in the World Series. That one was really well thought out Selig, kudos to you on that! At least you didn’t over react or something after that tie a few years back…The derby is cool though I guess. At least watching b-list power hitters and saps whose heads haven’t swollen up enough yet to big time MLB on this is exciting, right???

Well, if you’re like most people you don’t actually care about baseball until October. Unless of course you actually go to the ballpark, but who can really afford $9 beers more than once in a while? So we figured we’d let you know where your favorite ball club is sitting up to this point. Here’s what’s going on with some of the regional and bandwagon baseball clubs.

St. Louis Cardinals: The most successful franchise to not really have any fans: slightly better than mediocre this year, currently looking at the rear end of Cincinnati. You know the division isn’t doing too hot when the Reds are winning it! This however doesn’t stop Cardinals fans from telling you how great Pujols and the rest of the team really is. And then there’s always the fall back, “At least we’re better than the Cubs”! Keep being envious of a franchise that hasn’t won anything in a hundred years Cardinal honk,   based only on the fact they have about 10 times the fan following. Just remind yourself of the equalizer, you’ve got Nelly!

Chicago Cubs: The Lou Piniella semi retirement tour is in full swing. Sadly, this is once again not “the year”. Despite having one of the highest salaries in baseball they’re approaching Kansas City type bad. Sidebar- there’s your Royals update too, who’d have thought they’d be bad? Nevertheless, Cubs faithful and perennial bandwagoners continue piling into Wrigley Field for what the World Cup reminded us is what sports are all about: skipping work and getting hammered. This under achieving Cubs team is making one thing certain, you need to be completely hammered to watch them play. It ain’t pretty folks.

Chicago White Sox: What to say about the South siders? To the delight of every illegal immigrant in the Chicago land area, the Sox have made a pretty huge turn around after starting the year off badly and are now sitting in 1st place in the AL Central. Ozzie Guillen appears to be pretty excited about it. In following his broken English on twitter, between slamming his GM and owner, he’s really cut back on the all the F- bombs and whatever that is translated to in Spanish. A strong indicator that things are going well. It’s nice seeing him not all raging mad and sweaty. Ozzie kind of gets a bad rap though; I hear he’s a gentle and thorough lover.

Minnesota Twins: Currently in the hunt for the AL central and seemingly always there the last few years down the stretch. The twins never seem to be able to pull away even when that division is down right awful at times. This points to a lack of focus, and the only logical conclusion would be that this is due to the abundance of MILFs in the Twin Cities area. So really, who can blame them? Let’s be honest here, baseball or MILFs? Outside of Iowa City, there isn’t a man in his right mind that is choosing baseball.

New York Yankees: well, if you’re a Yankee fan then most likely you are a douchebag. I hate to be blunt, but statistically speaking it’s probably true. And this is baseball we’re talking here, so it’s all about the stats. The Yankees have the best record in baseball, which they should seeing that their yearly salary could feed an entire African nation for close to a decade. Arod seems to have figured out how to play again without the juice, and isn’t being booed at home anymore. Although, I think this has more to do with him changing to a more subtle and quaint shade of lip-gloss than anything else. The Yankees are definitely the front-runner to win the World Series again this year, which will be wonderful when we have to talk to our buddy who’s a Yankee, Texas, Laker, Patriot, and fan of every other wagon jumping team.

Boston Red Sox: The chowds have something like the 4th best record in baseball, but are still in 3rd place in their division behind the Rays and the Yankees. Big Papi won the homerun derby last night so that about solidifies him slumping for the next few months. The Sox will probably make a run at the wild card, but that’s about their only shot. Am I the only one that can’t ever get enough of watching Pedro throw Don Zimmer to the ground when he tries to take a run at him?  Pedro serves up an old man… Ah, the good old days…

We know our readers get a bit restless when we go with some “serious” sports breakdowns, so I figured I’d thrown in a bit of what baseball is really all about. Manager meltdowns and brawls!


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