The Side Effect Of Hiring “The Mayor”

when fred comes a callin, the panties go a fallin!

The hiring of new Men’s head basketball coach Fran McCaffrey at the University of Iowa was intended to be the big splash of the basketball off-season. It was the Hawkeyes’ time to shine and their opportunity to finally garner media attention surrounding their program that didn’t include analogies such as; “saying this team sucks is an insult to prostitutes across Johnson county” or “if a team wins at Carver Hawkeye, and no one’s there to see it, did it really happen?” Everything appeared to be going great in Iowa City, until the day that Iowa State was blessed with the resignation of one Greg McDermott. Shortly there after, ISU Athletic Director Jaime Pollard lifted himself to Godfather type status by hiring hometown hero Fred Hoiberg. Yes the hiring of Hoiberg has caused a bit of a stir in the Ames community, mostly involving increased rates of panty wetness that rivals that of N’Sync concerts in the late 90’s, but that’s nothing compared to how it has affected the Hawkeyes. The hiring has been seen to be much more problematic over in Iowa City. Iowa Football Coach Kirk Ferentz was even quoted as saying, “We will handle the problem internally”. This type of statement by Ferentz is typically indicative of something gone awry within the athletic department, players forcing themselves on women, or the senseless beating of downtown cab driver. So we know the situation must be serious.

It appears that ISU has stolen Iowa’s last gasp for air at being relevant again in men’s basketball, leaving Hawkeye fans everywhere bitter and even more inclined than before to accost children, the elderly, and even animals at the blank park zoo (we all know that story was true) with their pent up rage.

Iowa Head Coach Fran McCaffrey has attempted to contact Fred Hoiberg on multiple occasions in hopes of befriending him and learning his ways. But to no avail, he has yet to get a hold of the ISU coach.

WRNL has obtained transcripts of Fran’s messages to Coach Hoiberg:

4/28 – 8:05pm “Hey Fred, it’s me Fran McCaffrey over at Iowa. I’m the new coach here too. Ha ha samesies! I just wanted to wish you good luck and I look forward to playing against you guys. I know you’re new at this, but keep your head up. Over time you’ll get a better grasp of what it takes to recruit and maybe 40 or so years down the road when you’re my age you’ll have it figured out. If you need any pointers don’t be afraid to call. This is Fran, bye”

5/5 – 7:00pm “Hey Fred, Fran again. Hadn’t heard back from you yet, ah just wondering if you got my first message. Seems like you’re a pretty big hit around here these days, even in Iowa City. I’m not jealous or anything though…. I mean, look at those abs, ROCK HARD! I can’t blame the ladies for wanting a piece of that. Ha ha! Ahh… call me when you can. Fran McCaffrey. Call me. Bye”

5/21 – 1:45pm “So, I saw you picked up both Anderson and Babb this week. I’d been trying to call them too but couldn’t seem to get a hold of anyone. Must have had the wrong number or something. Stupid cell phones? Anyway, they’re not really our type of player. I mean they can shoot, have experience, and are proven D1 athletes, but I’m really looking more for the undeveloped raw talent at this point. I think were pretty close to re-signing John Lickliter, despite the falling out with his dad. Jealous much? Ha Ha.  If you get the chance or have any questions, call me. I’d like to talk some recruiting with you anyway. This is Fran. Fran McCaffrey. At Iowa. Bye”

6/15 – 7:05pm “So it looks like you’re generating a lot of interest in your program. Just kind of wondering how you’re doing that? Not that we really need any help or anything, I mean there’s a lot of interest… well kind of. Anyway, I hadn’t heard back from you and I figured I’d give you a call. Maybe we could meet somewhere for dinner halfway and talk about some things? I know a good place in Newton. I normally eat around 4:30, to avoid the rush. Call me. Fran. Fran McCaffrey. It’s kind of like Fred but not really. Ha ha! Call me”

7/12 – 5:00pm “[frustration in his voice] This is Fran McCaffrey. Okay. I just saw that you guys signed Royce White. What are you trying to do to me here? I thought that we were in this together? Both new coaches, “samesies”, remember? You’re breaking my balls here with this signing. People are starting to question why we aren’t getting any of these big names. Please call me back so we can talk about this. This is Fran. Bye”

7/12 – 5:05pm “So I might have overacted a little bit about the whole Royce White thing. Sorry. I get a little cranky when I don’t get my Metamucil before dinner! Ha ha. Ah, I just wanted to tell you that I’m happy for you guys and am not bitter. Not at all. Frankly I think you guys should be jealous of us really, I mean our practice facility is nearly half way completed, and I think we might have some kids who can compete on our team. Most of them are averaging more than 0 in the summer leagues. We’re pretty excited about that. Any who, I’d like to talk some recruiting strategy with you, coach to coach; I’m kind of wondering how you’re doing this well. Can I borrow your Rolodex maybe? Anyway, we’ll talk when you call. This is Fran. McCaffrey. At Iowa. Bye”

7/12 -5:35pm “Hey, I thought I heard my phone ring. Just wondering if that was you? Call me. Fran. Bye”


Fred, I miss your musk...

7/12 – 7:30pm “Hi, it’s me Fran again. I just got off the phone with my provider. They said my service is fine. I’m a little worried you haven’t called yet. Hope to hear from you soon. This is Fran.”

7/18 – 8:00pm “Hey, its Fran McCaffrey. Haven’t heard from you, well… yet? I just wanted to say that we both gave it our best shot on Jarrod Uthoff, but that bastard Bo Ryan came in and messed everything up. Maybe we could start recruiting together against him? We’ve only got like 4 guys signed and I need to get a few extra just in case anyone else fails out of summer school or gets in trouble downtown. I could really use your help. Please call. [Long pause] This is Fran. Please [Whimpers]”

7/19 – 3:00am “Hey Freddy. It’s me again. Fran. I’m still waiting for your call. It’s late I know, but I need to hear your voice. I wrote you this, I hope you like it: Other men said they have seen angels, But I have seen thee, And thou art enough. I hope you like it. I’ll keep my phone on in case you call. This is Fran

7/19 – 4:05am [wailing] “FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDD!!!! This is Fran. Fran McCaffrey. at Iowa”

WRNL caught up with ISU Head Coach Fred Hoiberg regarding the phone calls, “I’m used to women throwing themselves at me, but it’s a bit disturbing seeing the soccer mom obsession type behavior from a fellow coach. Please tell Fran to stop sending me flowers, candy, and locks of hair. It’s getting a bit awkward. I have since changed my phone number”

There you have it, the after shock of the Fred Hoiberg hiring at ISU taking its toll across the state. Just another one of many reasons for Hawkeye fans to be mad at Jaime Pollard.

I’ll tell you one thing, I’d sure hate to be the paper boy in Fran’s neighborhood…


2 Responses to The Side Effect Of Hiring “The Mayor”

  1. mileyCYrus says:

    this is hilarious. and awesome.
    “uhhhh just me again… though i heard you pick up..”

  2. I am a Cyentist says:

    Man, I was really nervous when Hoiberg was hired (what with never coached a game before), but he seems to be making all the right moves. Contrast that to the McDermott era, where I had to use some twisted logic to justify every fucked-up decision he made.

    Next year’s probably going to be rough, but at least the foundation is there for success in the future.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: