Celebrities Should Be Playing Sports Instead of Doing Whatever It Is They Do

WRNL receives loads of emails and comments from our readers every day. Most are either hate mail, notices of copyright infringement, and/or sexual advances. But every now and again a loyal reader submits to us a piece of their own that they deem worthy of gracing the pages of Wide Right Natty Lite. This is one of those submissions. Thank you miley CYrus for supporting WRNL and putting off your Emma Goldman Clinic visit for a couple of hours in order to write us a little somethin’ somethin’.

"Poke-her-face?” yea, were talking about a penis

Lady gaga – soccer: Although lady gaga has no doubt become a pop icon in the last few years, the speculation regarding her genitalia has been a bigger controversy than her crazy outfits. With that said, for the sake of this article we will assume she has a small, but nonetheless present, fully functioning penis. Having a small penis makes her quicker on the field since she doesn’t have to deal with the chaffing problem that most Europeans have to deal with, save the foreskin debate for another day. Another factor in her corner that makes her a good candidate for any soccer team is that she happens to be smaller than almost every player of Latin decent. Her small stature makes her aerodynamic, shifty, and difficult to catch with an unexpected head butt. She could definitely hang with the boys, in more ways than one.

“You better stop usin the N-word mother fucka, or I will bust this cap straight into your asshole”

Mel Gibson – hockey: Hockey is the only viable sport for Mel Gibson to be a part of for the sheer fact that he can take out all of his racial aggression on players from countries all over the world. Quite frankly, the Lightning could use him as a new captain after the shitstorm that they called a season last year. Gibson on skates would be a force to be reckoned with. However he would most likely have to be barred from any international play: could you imagine the penalty minutes he’d rack up against Israel? It is unknown why Gibson has so much pent up anger towards different races and religions, when everyone else should be the ones angry at him for the decades of terrible movies that have been forced upon us. I mean Signs, really? Who’s gonna have your back in Lethal Weapon 5 Mel? Pretty sure you’ve burned all bridges with Danny Glover.

"do these crystals make my vagina look fat?"

Spencer Pratt – Lacrosse: Being the giant hippie douchebag that he is, this sport suits him perfectly. People care about the sport of lacrosse just a tad bit more than they do having to watch his stupid ass on TV still. Which never ceases to amaze considering no one yet having an answer yet as to why he is famous. There is not one person in the world who wouldn’t want to see him get flattened by fellow hippie douches. Let’s see if your Crystal necklaces can protect you from this one Spencer! 10 other rich snobby little tools running at you flailing sticks and beating you unmerciful is only a tiny portion of the punishment you deserve for letting Heidi slip away. You broke “LeCrazy’s” heart Spencer! He’s probably going to have to take all the Heidi and Spencer posters down from the walls in his room now…

“who wants to get all fucked up and find some hookers on the cheap?”

Charlie Sheen – Football: Think about how well Charlie would have fit in on with the “Bad Boy” Miami Hurricanes? I mean he loves hookers, blow, and punching women. Perfect! Those were actually the three major requirements to be on those teams, according to Wikipedia. Charlie has made quite the reputation for himself over the years, and although Roger Goodell has cracked down on idiocy as of late there’s still room for drunk assholes with domestic violence issues. Just look at Roethlessberger, he’ll probably be on the cover of Madden ’12.

oh how I wish they still wore short shorts in the association!

De-Fen Yao – Basketball: So she may not be a well known celebrity, but she is the tallest woman in the world and according to Guinness, that makes her pretty damn famous. Now obviously She would have to play basketball because where else do uncoordinated rah’tards with freakish height go to make millions? We’re looking at you Gheorghe Muresan. Now, she would be perfect in “the League” for three reason; number one, the bitch is 7’9 and will straight up curb stomp anyone who steps in the lane. Reason number two, the league has been trying to clean up it’s image. Not that we think ‘ol stroke face here is the type of image really anyone wants to see, but it’s better than Ron Ron throwing haymakers in the scout section and Gilbert Arenas packing heat in the locker room. And finally, who else is going to sex Yao Ming?

“I’MMMM BAAAACCKKKK (in December… or earlier for good behavior!) BIIIITCHH”

Lil Wayne – Polo: Every polo match is a hoity toity gathering of rich assholes who congregate to watch the world’s second most boring sport (golf obviously being the first).  I do believe it is time that a little soul be brought to this all white European/sometimes American pastime. Personally, I think a little diversity is exactly what that “sport” needs. I want to see some gold in the teeth of these polo folks, not just around the necks of their mistresses. Can you imagine Polo meets BET? I can just see Prince Harry doing the Crip walk now.  Also, Weezy would be the king of the effing castle in the horse locker room since he carries a package that even the equine seem to be jealous of. Hopefully Lil Wayne gets out of Jail soon so this little social experiment can come to fruition.

proof that anyone can be famous for being completely worthless

Any member of the Kardashian family – Golf: I personally would like to suggest that any and all members of the Kardashian family be relocated to the world of golf because that is a sport that no one gives a shit about, and therefore no one watches. I mean Tiger’s even bad now, you’re screwed PGA! If I have to see one more show about “Kourtney and Khloe taking Plan B”, or “Keeping up with the prescriptions Kris Kardashian takes” or anything else that has anything to do with them, I will personally send them and E! Network anthrax. As a girl, I can admit that they are kind of pretty, and not just saying “kind of” because I have some weird jealousy issue that they are better looking than me because obviously they are, but they are just so fucking stupid and worthless that it makes them so much less attractive. Yeah Kim, keep promoting QuikTrim, a product you’ve never used. Instead how about you do commercials for your plastic surgeon that does your lipo? But according to some they’re “Business women” Really? Kim’s perfume? A scent that smells like that of an abortion clinic and shame? No thank you. And the other two (who really knows their names other than that they start with a K)… why they fuck are you on TV? How did you get a TV show? I guess they hand out shows to everyone these days. If that’s the case, I would like to be featured on this years’ season premiere of the new reality show “Who’s got my debit card, is it you David?”. Please and thank you. So go golf your life away Kardashians, that way you’ll still be on TV but at least it’ll be on a channel that no one watches.

Honorable Mentions: Jessica Simpson – wrestling (heavyweight of course), Paris Hilton – Baseball, not for the sport but for the dugout escapades. She’s accustomed to having a huge wad in her mouth, and according to the video she spits. Plus, if Kenny Powers can make it then anybody can, right? The Jonas Brothers – Because gay dudes don’t play real sports.


3 Responses to Celebrities Should Be Playing Sports Instead of Doing Whatever It Is They Do

  1. tx_chica says:

    I’m with you…why are the Kardashians famous?

  2. cjwick says:

    just got around to reading this one … that girl has a lot of inner Kardashian rage. sexy.

    • mileyCYrus says:

      it’s only because they are worse than only having one channel on TV and that channel being stuck on Kirk Cameron on “life as a Christian”.

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