Fantasy Football – WRNL Writers League

Football – the greatest game ever played (we’ll take Ray Lewis over Shia LaBeouf anyday)

Fantasy – that dream of  taking on two midget nurses and Warf from Next Generation in a sweaty sex pile.

Two great words – when their powers combine they make one of the greatest time-wasters ever created: Fantasy Football.  Like any hip and with-it sports website, WRNL recently formed a fantasy football league made up of our writing staff and a couple slutty hangers-on.  The draft was held last Wednesday night and we honor our readers with a chance to review the picks with some commentary from yours truely. 

The league is standard PPR scoring and we start the following: QB, RB1, RB2, WR1, WR2, RB/WR, TE, K, DST

We welcome any comments on how shitty we drafted.

Tijuana Zebras (normanunderwood):  QB: Eli Manning, Carson Palmer, Sage Rosenfels RB: Adrian Peterson, Jamaal Charles, Ryan Grant, Darren Sproles WR: Dwayne Bowe, Santana Moss, Derrick Mason, Kenny Britt TE: Kellen Winslow, Chris Cooley K: Lawrence Tynes DST: Pittsburgh

It’s hard to screw up the first pick in the draft, though you can try by letting the computer pick rounds 2 & 3 for you, regardless AP makes any team decent.  Norman was apparently unaware that Derrick Mason will turn 63 next month and he’s just staying in the league until his social security matures to the max payout.  QB and WR leave a lot to be desired, but he has a nice stable of running backs and what should be a top 5 DST.

I Touchdown There (Brentwood): QB: Tony Romo, Mark Sanchez RB: Chris Johnson, Jonathan Stewart, Marion Barber, Tim Hightower WR: Brandon Marshall, Steve Smith – Car, Robert Meachem, Steve Breaston, Julian Edelman, Chris Chambers TE: Brent Celek K: Rian Lindell, DST: New Orleans

Again, you can’t go wrong with the #2 pick, even half a Chris Johnson would be a first rounder.  The running backs take a turn to complete crap after that as it looks like someone got in the mood for a gang bang with as many receivers as he could collect.  Brent Celek is gonna be a stud with a young QB looking to dump it, but that’s about it.  Bonus points for Breaston, because his name reminds me of boobs, but the Saints were 25th in overall D last season and Lindell plays for the Bills … fucking focus man.

Tila Deserved It (Cyph): QB: Jay Cutler, Donovan McNabb RB: Ray Rice, Shonn Greene, Beanie Wells, Michael Bush, Steve Slaton, LenDale White, Toby Gerhart WR: Donald Driver, Dez Bryant, Devin Hester TE: Dallas Clark, K: Nate Kaeding, DST: Indy

What the hell man? 3 hawks AND the Indy DST?!?!  Your lack of principle is disturbing, selling your soul for fantasy football is a bitch move man.  It kills me to say it – but you have a great fleet of running backs – the rest of your team blows and may God have mercy on your soul. 

Crack Whores (cjwick): QB: Matt Ryan, Matt Stafford, Matt Leinart RB: Maurice Jones-Drew, LeSean McCoy, Felix Jones, Jerome Harrison, Donald Brown, Marshawn Lynch WR: Calvin Johnson, Jeremy Maclin, Malcolm Floyd, TE: John Carlson, K: Ryan Longwell DST: Jets

This is my team so it’s hard to hate on it.  I like my running backs and am hoping Malcolm Floyd comes up big in Vincent Jackson’s absence.  I didn’t notice until just now that I drafted 3 quarterbacks named Matt – that’s a little messed up.  I got jumpy and short on time and took a DST early, here’s hoping to the Jets living up to the hype.

Flying DeLoss Dodds (Intoxicated): QB: Joe Flacco, Kyle Orton RB: Michael Turner, Ahmad Bradshaw, Carnell Williams, Adrian Foster WR: Larry Fitzgerald, Greg Jennings, Steve Smith – NYG, Percy Harvin, Lee Evans, Mohamed Massaquoi TE: Greg Olson K: Stephen Gostkowski DST: Tennessee

A very bone-worthy set of receivers are the highlight of this team.  You’re definitely going to be starting one of them at the flex unless Cadillac has another resurgence or Foster somehow edges out the backs in front of him.  Olson should be good at TE, but its Chicago so they’ll find some way to fuck it up.  Flacco almost spells Falco, that’s a plus, he just better not go down or you’re living on the meager production of the man keeping a seat warm for the holy one. 

It Feels Like Liver (CBD):  QB: Aaron Rodgers, Matt Cassel RB: Matt Forte, Joseph Addai, CJ Spiller, LaDainian Tomlinson WR: Roddy White, Terrel Owens, Hines Ward, Dexter McCluster, Donnie Avery TE: Vernon Davis, Todd Heap K: David Akers DST: Miami

At first glance this appears to be a sexy squad.  McCluster qualifies as either a RB or WR which makes him an interesting pick-up, like that old girlfriend that was into the freaky shit: you can stick him anywhere.  If Forte rebounds to anything close to his rookie season and TO notices he’s not on the Bills and starts trying again, this should be a team that goes far.  Odds are one of the backs will step up enough to be a steady RB2 – if not that could hurt.

will u untie me now? (cyssormetimbers): QB: Peyton Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, RB: Frank Gore, Brandon Jacobs, Laurence Maroney WR: Chad Ochocinco, Mike Crabtree, Pierre Garcon, Golden Tate, Roy Williams, Nate Burleson TE: Antonio Gates K: Mason Crosby DST: San Fran, New York Giants

A nice setup at QB, Peyton is a lock to start while Ben’s on suspension and when he’s back you have two of the top arms in the league.  Unfortunately the rest of your team is shit.  After the automatic pick ups of Gore and Ocho your draft spiraled out of control with a Kicker in round 5 and a seemingly random pile of wide receivers.  If Jacobs or Gore goes down you’ll be sucking off other league members of table scrap running backs – and knowing you, you’ll like it.

Sweet Suite Caroline (The Miz): QB: Drew Brees, Chad Henne, Seneca Wallace RB: Pierre Thomas, Jahvid Best, Ben Tate, Montario Hardesty WR: Marques Colston, Vincent Jackson, Santonio Holmes, Devin Aromashodu TE: Jermichael Finley, Heath Miller K: Matt Prater DST: Minnesota

You and cyssormetimbers should hook up.  Again, nice quarterback setup – than the shit hits the fan.  You drafted THREE rookie running backs!  Vincent Jackson is out at a minimum three games, probably more.  It’s gonna be a bumpy ride to start the season, and when I say “bumpy ride” I mean “prison rape”.

BOHICA (clone1450): QB: Kevin Kolb, Matt Schaub RB: Cedric Benson, Leon Washington, Ricky Williams, Thomas Jones WR: Andre Johnson, Reggie Wayne, Hakeem Nicks, Eddie Royal, Demaryius Thomas, Darrius Heyward-Bey TE: Tony Gonzalez K: Rob Bironas DST: Dallas

Drafting from the 9 spot is like being the wingman of the wingman of the wingman, you take the best of what’s left over.  Running backs are serviceable if not flashy, wide receivers are good up top though there is a mind-boggling number of them.  QB is a shot in the dark, you pray Schaub can stay healthy or hope Kolb is ready to shine. 

Kamikazes (CanAzn): QB: Tom Brady, Matt Moore RB: Steven Jackson, Knowshon Moreno, Justin Forsett, Reggie Bush, Clinton Portis, Darren McFadden WR: Randy Moss, Mike Sims-Walker, Wes Welker, Davone Bess TE: Owen Daniels, Brandon Pettigrew K: None DST: Philly

Congratulations, you’re a Patriots fan now if you like it or not.  Brady, Moss, and Welker accompany a stable of running backs that should provide production out of sheer quantity – not everyone can suck.  Jackson is as worn down as a Jill Kelly’s two-hole, Clinton Portis played back in the era of leather helmets and Knowshon is perpetually hurt.  All that said, you’ll win at least 2 extra games on the sheer beauty of the shimmering pools that are Tom Brady’s eyes.  If the Pats recapture the magic you’re looking at fantasy glory – and not the kind where you and Norman scissor under in a sex pile of sweaty hockey players. 

Thundercunts (knowdan):  QB: Phillip Rivers, Vince Young RB: DeAngelo Williams, Ronnie Brown, Willis McGahee WR: Miles Austin, Anquan Boldin, Mike Wallace, Braylon Edwards, Austin Collie, Kevin Walter, Johnny Knox TE: Visanthe Shiancoe K: Jeff Reed DST: Baltimore

You absolutely stole Braylon and Collie in the late rounds and then you double fist yourself by wasting time on the likes of Walter and Knox while you could have been taking stabs on running backs.  DeAngelo IS your backfield.  Between them Brown & McGahee will miss at least a half a dozen games and that’s if McClain doesn’t replace McGahee or Rice runs in his own short yardage touches this season.  It is going to be embarrassing watching CanAzn rape you over and over before giving you Reggie Bush – he’ll just pound the shit out of you and you’ll say “Thank you sooo much for this non-starting running back Mr CanAzn”.  It would be funny if it wasn’t so sad.

Handful of Peter (betty crocker): QB: Brett Favre, Alex Smith RB: Rashard Mendenhall, Ryan Matthews, Fred Jackson, Chester Taylor WR: Sidney Rice, DeSean Jackson, TJ Houshmanzadeh, Antonio Bryant TE: Jason Whitten, Zach Miller K: Garrett Hartley DST: Green Bay, Chicago

This is an impressive team from the 12 hole.  Mendenhall and Mathews was a nice turnaround.  Of course if Brett is serious about this retirement thing you’re probably fucked – but that’s nothing new to WRNL’s own Mrs Robinson.  Antonio Bryant and Fred Jackson were nice late moves and even Hartley top notch.  It’s probably because of your rack in my face blinding me from seeing obvious problems – but fucking-a, nice team. (for a girl)

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One Response to Fantasy Football – WRNL Writers League

  1. MexEuro says:

    That CanAsn guy is screwed – Stef Jackson is overworked and soon to be broken down.

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