Dan Hawkins: The Wind Beneath Greg McDermott’s Wings

Inspired by the recent news of Dan Hawkins asking the University of Colorado Athletic Department for an extension despite going 16-33 over 4 years in the midst of driving the CU football program into the ground, Greg McDermott made a call to Jamie Pollard late Thursday night to request his old job back.

When approached for comment on the validity of the story, McDermott said: “Not only did I request my job back at Iowa State, but I asked that they fire that bum Hoiberg and double my salary. My win percentage at Iowa State is twice Hawkins’ win percentage at CU. If he can ask for an extension, then surely I can ask for a new contract offer and a raise. Iowa State fans think Fred Hoiberg is such a great hire because he got Royce White, Chris Allen, Anthony Booker, and Chris Babb to come to Ames? Did they all forget that I signed LA Pomlee, Clayton Vette, and Wes Eikmeier? Ingrates.”

When reminded that season ticket sales had almost doubled since the arrival of Hoiberg, McDermott commented: “We’ll see what happens when fans realize that Fred Hoiberg won’t be able to match my total of one win over a ranked team in 4 years. That record, as well as the number of transfers out in one season, will be mine forever. Even though I love Creighton and the daily rimjobs they have to give me because my AD couldn’t even get my name correct at my introductory press conference, if Jamie Pollard is smart, he’d do the smart thing and double my salary to come back to Iowa State. I’m a living legend!”

Reports that Jim Walden made a similar request could not be confirmed at this time.

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The Iowa State Wolfpack

Scene: Royce White, Chris Babb, Chris Allen, and Anthony Booker are on the rooftop of Caesars Palace Hilton Coliseum

Royce White: How about that ride in? I guess that’s why they call it Cyclone Country…ha ha. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself, as a one man wolf pack. Though when my sister brought Chris home I was like, “you mean that douchebag Kris Allen from American Idol?” She was like, “No, Chris Allen from Michigan State”, and right then I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So there was two of us…… in the wolf pack, I was alone first in the pack and then Chris joined later. And six months ago when Chris introduced me to you guys, I thought “wait a second could it be?” and now I know for sure I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves running around the desert together in Ames, looking for sweet corn and jersey chasers.. So tonight, I make a toast!”

To be continued?

NCAA Football 11: God’s Gift to Guys

Gentlemen, it’s that time of year again, when NCAA Football is released and guys disappear into their mancaves for the next month. NCAA 11 is the best rendition yet (as it should be), but we are impressed at how much better it is, from the improved lighting and graphics, to the awesome new locomotion engine. To celebrate, we’ve used Teambuilder to create a WRNL All-star team.

Review the team here and download the team by searching for “wide right” as a school nickname on your PS3 or X-Box 360.

Our starting rosters:

QB – St8te: Only because the game wouldn’t let us select the role of “butthole pirate” for him.
HB – CylentButDeadly: His best move isn’t a spin or a juke, it’s clearing out the backfield with his BM.
WR1 – Plaxico Burress: Hey, when you have a chance to sign a guy who shot himself in the leg and is now sitting in jail, you gotta do it.
WR2 – KnowDan: Because college football needs more white wide receivers.
WR3 – Ed McCaffrey: See above.
TE – LeBartender: We trusted St8te’s advice on this, as he is the connoisseur of tight ends.
LT – CJWick: Loves to protect St8te’s backside. Usually fails at it.
LG – Aaron Agnew: We know he flamed out at ISU because he was just too goddamn fat for basketball…
C – Clone62: Enjoys getting balls fondled by the QB.
RG – GeronimousClone: Understated, but always there.
RT – Intoxycated: CJWick’s partner, in more than one way.

LE – Dosry: Likes to rape QBs (among others).
DT – Norman Underwood, Albert Haynesworth: Clogs up the middle, and stomps on people’s heads with cleats. Great tandem.
RE – Cmn Demon: no comment.
ROLB – Lawrence Taylor: Another prison league commit, and Dosry’s partner in crime.
MLB – The Miz: Likes to Ray Lewis dance pregame to pump up the team
LOLB – Compliance Linebacker: With a team full of prison leaguers and degenerates, someone has to keep us in line with the NCAA.
CB1 – Ellis Hobbs: Pillowfights in the locker room with Plaxico.
FS – Sean Taylor: We are bringing him back from the grave due to the fact he pisses excellence. Will lay out Nebraska’s punter for us if they try the ISU trick play.
SS – CanAzn: Wants to be David Sims. Will never be. Asians don’t make it in the NFL.
CB2 – IcSyU: He will hopefully be the greatest white CB in the NFL since…. Jason Sehorn.
K – Betty Cocker: We can go all Colorado on her if she gets out of line.
P – LeCrazy: Mostly useless, but there to bring the party. Also brings in the antiquing and “The Hills” crowd.

Notable additions:
QB2 – Ron Mexico: That isn’t jock itch that’s causing him to keep readjusting himself.
FB – William “The Refrigerator” Perry: Because we felt having a giant fat dude just for the novelty was a must.
FB2 – Serena Williams: Can you honestly say she isn’t shaped like a fullback? And she’s got the cock to prove it.
CB3 – Pacman Jones: Who else is going to accompany st8te every night to the “Script Clubs”  and show him how to make it rain?

Now you can dominate the NCAA with a team more full of degenerates, perverts, and criminals than even the “Bad Boy” Miami Hurricanes.

Royce White Commits To ISU!

Iowa State Men’s basketball just picked up yet another transfer today, sophomore forward Royce White, previously of Minnesota. White is the most heralded player to come to ISU since probably Marcus Fizer. Taking Royce is not without risks, however. White was suspended for a good portion of his freshman season due to a shoplifting charge in a mall, as well as the accusation that he stole a laptop from a dorm room, AJ Price style.

Rest easy, Cyclone fans, Royce’s past transgressions will not ever hurt his standing in Ames. There are three major reasons for this:

  1. If Royce steals from a mall and no one is there to notice it, is it really shoplifting? Seriously, have you been to North Grand Mall lately? That place is more deserted than Carver Hawkeye on Pierre Pierce humanitarian night.
  2. Iowa State campus computer labs are all desktop computers. As we all know, Royce is all about laptops, so no worries here. Just to show our goodwill, WRNL would be glad to donate a laptop to Mr. White, though we won’t guarantee it will be newer than 2005, or have keys that aren’t super sticky.
  3. The old, senile Cyclone fans won’t even associate Royce with thuggery. From his name, You’d think he’s about 80 years old, from Osage, IA, and drives a tractor.

Coach Hoiberg, we don’t know what you are doing to pile up the transfers, but if it’s seducing player’s moms with your sexiness, then you really fucked up by not getting to LeBron’s mom before Pat Riley did. There’s no shame in being Delonte’s sloppy seconds..

LeBron Finally Makes a Decision!

Bergstrom Indoor Facility, 6/29/10

Media walking around the Bergstrom indoor training facility Tuesday were surprised to find a unrecognized athlete on the field laughing it up with quarterback Austen Arnaud. Observers noted that the previously unseen team member bore a striking resemblance to notable NBA free agent LeBron James. When approached, the new #7 confirmed that he was in fact, Lebron James, and released the following statement:

“I’d like to announce that I am foregoing NBA free agency and taking a break from basketball. This whole being pursued thing is getting old. James Dolan from the Knicks called me so many times that I got 3 new numbers, and yet he still found each new one. I would like to follow in Michael Jordan’s footsteps and take a couple of years off and try a new sport.

“Various coaches have been in contact with me, but when coach Paul Rhoads called with an offer to play both ways as a linebacker and tight end for the Iowa State football team, I realized it was the perfect opportunity for me. I missed the whole college experience and this is a way for me to enjoy college while dishing out some punishment, which is appealing after having so many NBA players hack the living crap out of me. Coach Rhoads says that he will utilize a new play called “just throw the ball to Bron Bron” to help with my dislike of learning the playbook. On defense I will have no defensive responsibilities except as the rover, running around and hitting whoever has the ball.

“My entourage told me that I’d probably find Ames boring, but then again, I’m from Cleveland. Iowa rivers may flood often, but at least they aren’t so polluted all the fish have aids. Craig Brackins also called me and told me that Ames had the hottest college chicks between the Mississippi and Missouri rivers. Not saying I’m going to do anything about it, because I’m the cleanest NBAer this side of Shane Battier, but some nice scenery ain’t bad at all. In fact, I’m already planning to bring the computer engineering department into my entourage so I can dump these girls on them so that they actually get some contact with females before they graduate.

“I filled my paperwork for admission last week with Iowa State and they accepted me this morning. I look forward to many field goal post dunks after touchdowns this season. Ames had a Mayor already, now it has a King!”

Big 12 Enacts World Cup Inspired Rule Changes

Beebe's Got Vuvuzela Fever!

Dallas, TX – In the wake of the Big 12 meetings last Monday, commissioner Dan Beebe announced a set of rule changes that were made to give the new Big 12/10 a unique twist in the effort to draw a bigger television deal. Most of these changes were put forth due to Beebe’s personal (and somewhat perplexing) passion for World Cup futbol. Beebe was also quoted as saying his “World Cup buildup fever” was what caused him to act like a complete pile of shit for most of the conference realignment phase.

1. The Big 12 has decided to hire World Cup officiating crew to replace the current Big 12 crew. The biggest development to come out of this is the announcement that Koman Coulibaly will be working all Nebraska and Colorado games in 2010. His bribe salary will be paid by the money that those two schools will give up in their breach of contract clause. Beebe cited Coulibaly’s “total comfort level in taking money to blatantly screw over the team that we choose” as the primary reason for this decision.

2. Stoppage time. An expansion of current rules. As you may recall, Texas was infamously given extra time in the Big 12 Championship Game last year to avoid an embarrassing hard-fought defeat at the hands of Nebraska. The rules states that “If Texas, Texas A&M, or OU is losing in the final 2 minutes, stoppage time will be added to give those teams additional chances to score.” It has yet to be decided how this rule will be applied to games involving two of the above schools, but the leading solution in the clubhouse is an old fashioned duel between head coaches. No ambushes from the Sooner Schooner will be allowed.

3. Personal Fouls replaced by card system. Due to the fact that certain stadiums in the Big 12 somehow still don’t have HD cameras, ADs voted in favor of the change as cards are easier to see on low def than “confusing hand signals”.

4. To embrace the “foot” part of football, extra points now worth 2, Field Goals worth 5. ISU strongly considering leaving for the Big Sky conference, as “Wide Right II through XXIII” seems likely in the future.

5. Vuvuzela use approved for Big 12 stadiums, but only on game days where the visiting school name ends with “-aska” or “-rado”.

Coincidentally, the meeting was adjourned early due to many ADs complaining of headaches from the mind numbing vuvuzela demonstration to demonstrate the proper application of rule change #5.

Argentine vs. Camera: Round 1… FIGHT!

Gabriel Heinze doesn’t like the spotlight, I guess. I’m still more shocked that he didn’t take the dive to try and draw the red card on the camera man.