September 6, 2010 1 Comment
WRNL will be moving to the Bloguin Network. New articles can now be found at www.widerightnattylite.com. All domains will be forwarded to the new site effective 9/12/2010. Please update your bookmarks.
A satirical look at Iowa State athletics and other shit
September 5, 2010 10 Comments
Don’t look now, but tailgating in Iowa City just got shittier. Kinnick Stadium, where our mouth-breathing eastern rivals play on Saturdays, has long been known as a below average tailgating venue. The obvious joke here is because its full of hawkeyes – but I’m not going down that easy (that’s what she said).
No, instead Iowa City tailgating sucks mostly because of the geography – or lack of it. Undersized parking lots separated by residential housing paired with the heavy roadway congestion make finding and getting to your tailgate a confusing and irritating pain-in-the-ass. Couple that with the on-field successes of Kirk Ferentz coached teams, which have dulled the tailgating abilities of an already dimwitted fanbase and the irrational 11AM start times for every game and you have disaster. Tailgating in Iowa City is an affront to the word tailgate. It sucks massive, cancerous balls – and this is without me reminding you that there are throngs of hawkeye fans everywhere too. It’s fucking rough.
Regardless, tailgating has the cockroachesque ability to survive in even the most uninhabitable of environments. Hawkeye fans do their best to entertain themselves with the standard variety of food, booze, loud music and game-playing that exist at any tailgate across the nation. Soulless and depressing as their version of a tailgate may be – they power through.
However this weekend hawk fans were greeted by the new Iowa City police department. No longer will police stand for people “playing games“, “listening to loud music”, or “carrying purses”. These types of egregious offense will be dealt with swiftly – the perps will receive a costly ticket and possibly the butt of a pistol at the discretion of the officers.
Iowa City and University officials announced this crackdown to clean up an image ironically mostly tarnished by the same football team the tailgate is for. However the severity of the enforcement has hawkeye fans in uproar.Whole trailer parks were abandoned as loved ones awaited court dates and the few literate hawk fans stormed their message boards to voice their anger. Check here for names of those relatives you only know from their Christmas cards.
As fellow tailgate affectionatos, WRNL was torn between deep belly laughter and empathy to a tradition spoiled. However, when we heard people were being denied the ability to play Flippy Cup and Beer Pong … well that shit is just wrong. Way to fuck it up Iowa City – your quest for #1 gayest city in the nation is now complete, congrats I guess.
September 4, 2010 1 Comment
Welcome Cyclone fans (and others who casually read the site) to the first installment of our weekly edition of Helmet Stickerzzz. While the concept of this article is actually taken from ESPN’s College Football helmet sticker segment (you know the segment where old ass Lou Holtz stutters and spits while placing a sticker on a helmet), our version is focused only on the latest Iowa State game. If all works out as planned and I’m not sleeping off a hangover equivalent to an F5 tornado you’ll be privy to who I consider the best offensively, defensively, surprise player, and also who comes away with the commemorative Gene Chizik Novelty Coin presented to a player from the opposing team who stood out due to his poor performance or even his tremendous performance causing Iowa State fans to despise him.
Now that I’m finally reeling down from the excitement that came with the opening game against Northern Illinois I’m ready to break things down and award the very first WRNL helmet stickerzzz.
NORTHERN ILLINOIS SEPTEMBER 2, 7:00 PM
FINAL SCORE: Iowa State (1-0, 0-0) 27 Northern Illinois (0-1,0-0) 10
OFFENSIVE WRNL HELMET STICKER:
A-Rob began this season right where he left off last season. He came up just 3 yards short of his first 100 yd rushing game with 97 yards on 19 carries and 2 scores. That’s 5.1 yards per carry since I know you are too lazy to pull up the calculator on your computer. He also added 4 receptions for 32 yards. All of this, against a defense that ranked 35th in rush defense last year, as KnowDan kindly pointed out in his preview.
DEFENSIVE WRNL HELMET STICKER:
I also don’t think there’s much doubt on who deserves the defensive form of our newly created award. Jake Knott is going to be special ladies and gentlemen. If last night’s performance was a precursor to the remainder of Jake’s career at Iowa State, we Cyclone fans are in for a treat. How does 9 tackles, 2 interceptions, and 1 forced fumble sound for your first game starting at linebacker in division 1 football? You know what I don’t even care how you think it sounds, to me it is a performance deserving of this WRNL helmet sticker.
SURPRISE WRNL HELMET STICKER:
This honestly isn’t much of a surprise to me, more of an honorable mention helmet sticker. Collin Franklin had himself one hell of a game catching 5 passes for 75 yards. I foresee him playing an integral role in this offense under Tom Herman and I, for one, am looking forward to it. Not only does he block and catch well but he had open field moves causing a few jock straps to be left on the field by the opposition. Who knew white boys could juke so well?
COMMEMORATIVE GENE CHIZIK COIN:
My buddies and I had quite a laugh at Northern Illinois kicker’s expense. I mean, really how shitty must he feel about his performance? Guy goes by the name of Michael Cklamovski and is probably better suited as a Russian mail order bride than he is as a kicker. His official stats are 0 for 2 in field goal attempts but it was a lot worse than that. At one point he missed 3 consecutive field goals from the same exact spot on the field back to back to back. He of course was given 3 opportunities because the Cyclones called time outs right before the ball was snapped in order to ice him. So let me break this down for you. They line up ready to kick roughly a 30-40 some yard field goal and he misses the kick way wide right after timeout #1. They line up again and he clanks it off the right upright immediately after timeout #2 was called. They line up yet again and he pushes it wide left. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he was then replaced by the backup kicker.
Well there concludes the first segment. Check back next week when we reveal the winners of this illustrious award for the Iowa State vs. Iowa match up.
September 3, 2010 Leave a comment
Following every WRNL tailgate we’ll bring you extensive coverage of the party for those of you waiting patiently to stroke one out at home. Some names and faces have been changed to protect the innocent … and not so innocent. Our favorite Natty Lite connoisseur has graciously volunteered to stand in for us as disparaging photographs are old news for him.
Noon – Gameday. Five guys tucked unmercifully tight into a Jeep Cherokee yearning to break free from the forced sex pile. The only saving grace is Becki standing tall, half out the sunroof, flashing her cannons for all of those along Lincoln Way. She likes the feel the air between them and trust me – its hard to tear your eyes away. She’s the Medusa of cheap plastic sex toys.
We arrive at G7 to find a force of 20+ security personnel who apparently were going for a 1 to 1 ratio per tailgating vehicle. The lot remained locked as they discuss amongst themselves who to call for the key to the gate. Lined along the roadway uneasy tailgaters anxiously crack beers to calm their nerves, panic seems inevitable. Mercifully, a disaster is averted as one guard suddenly remembers he has the key in his pocket.
Its going to be a good day.
The Tailgate begins – imagine Christmas, only a lot more beer and you have to sit on the lap of the guy on the left instead of Santa. Actually, now that I say that, almost identical to Christmas. Pictured: Becki enjoyed asking for her presents.
A couple members of the WRNL family made the journey to the South side of the stadium to visit the Murph and Andy show. Listen to them here.
Despite the wind and rain, Flippy Cup reigned as the most popular tailgate game as nearly 40 people stretching 3 tables joined in flippy fun.
In an unexpected turn of events the women of the tailgate were hard-core flippers and made short work of their handsomely hung, but poorly practiced opponents. Teams were reshuffled several times in a half-assed attempt to hide the failings of the drunk and uncoordinated to little success.
Somewhere around 5PM Becki tears out her o-ring trying to please her throng of admirers. Its obvious someones going to need to blow a little air in her deflated body before UNI comes to town. Volunteers are already lining up.
More beer, an actual Bacon Explosion is unveiled, someone passes around a 5 gallon jug of Strip ‘n’ go naked … my shirt gets wet.
The “rusty trombone” is performed on Becki … she has developed man-parts. Old guy next to us has a can-crusher, it is neat. Blonde girl can’t figure out how it works.
Some chic falls in a puddle, loses shoes in said puddle
Game starts, guy at gate waves me past as he hits on female who “lost” her ticket. Gettin chilly out, my man-nipples stiffen.
Cyclones 27 – Huskies 10. Nipples are not alone in stiffness.
Thanks for all who made it out and all who tailgate vicariously through this article – you’re going to want to wipe off your screen now. See you at the Jack, and more importantly the tailgate lots, for the Panthers in a couple weeks.
September 3, 2010 9 Comments
WRNL contributors Al & Steve were on the Keith & Andy show prior to yesterdays Cyclone victory. Hear what the boys had to say about the Huskies, Big 10 realignment, and why its not safe to stand next to Coach Rhoads’ bus.
Click the KXNO image at the right to listen – starting at minute 37ish
September 1, 2010 4 Comments
Date: September 2, 2010
Time: 7 PM
Location: Jack Trice Stadium, Ames, IA
Editor’s Note: As kickoff is on Thursday, this preview is being posted a day earlier than normal.
Welcome to the first WRNL preview of Iowa State’s 2010 football season. Every Thursday we will post our preview and prediction of Iowa State’s upcoming game. So sit back, crack a Natty Light or six, and get yourself pumped up for some good ole FOOTBALL in less than 36 hours.
A History: Northern Illinois vs Iowa State
Iowa State holds the edge in the all-time standings, 2-1.
1993: Iowa State 54, Northern Illinois 10
2003: Northern Illinois 24, Iowa State 16
2004: Iowa State 48, Northern Illinois 41
The 2004 victory was over a Huskies team that would end up going 9-3 and the 41 points scored by Northern Illinois were the most an Iowa State team has allowed in a victory.
Back It Up: A 2009 Rewind
As we all know, Iowa State finished 7-6 in 2009 and capped off the year with a 14-13 victory of Minnesota in the Insight Bowl. It was Iowa State’s first bowl appearance since 2005 and first bowl win since defeating Miami (OH) in the 2004 Independence Bowl.
Northern Illinois also finished 2009 with a 7-6 record but lost their final three games after rattling off a mid-season four game winning streak. The final loss was to South Florida in the International Bowl.
September 1, 2010 4 Comments
Looks like the Iowa City based Cyclones have had enough with the hype and are taking things into their own hands.
The white truck is obviously driven by a Cyclone fan and the guy on the moped… starting (now injured) Hawkeye center Josh Koeppel (he’s fine folks we aren’t that heartless)
Ouch, get well soon… well, after week two