Dan Hawkins: The Wind Beneath Greg McDermott’s Wings

Inspired by the recent news of Dan Hawkins asking the University of Colorado Athletic Department for an extension despite going 16-33 over 4 years in the midst of driving the CU football program into the ground, Greg McDermott made a call to Jamie Pollard late Thursday night to request his old job back.

When approached for comment on the validity of the story, McDermott said: “Not only did I request my job back at Iowa State, but I asked that they fire that bum Hoiberg and double my salary. My win percentage at Iowa State is twice Hawkins’ win percentage at CU. If he can ask for an extension, then surely I can ask for a new contract offer and a raise. Iowa State fans think Fred Hoiberg is such a great hire because he got Royce White, Chris Allen, Anthony Booker, and Chris Babb to come to Ames? Did they all forget that I signed LA Pomlee, Clayton Vette, and Wes Eikmeier? Ingrates.”

When reminded that season ticket sales had almost doubled since the arrival of Hoiberg, McDermott commented: “We’ll see what happens when fans realize that Fred Hoiberg won’t be able to match my total of one win over a ranked team in 4 years. That record, as well as the number of transfers out in one season, will be mine forever. Even though I love Creighton and the daily rimjobs they have to give me because my AD couldn’t even get my name correct at my introductory press conference, if Jamie Pollard is smart, he’d do the smart thing and double my salary to come back to Iowa State. I’m a living legend!”

Reports that Jim Walden made a similar request could not be confirmed at this time.

The Iowa State Wolfpack

Scene: Royce White, Chris Babb, Chris Allen, and Anthony Booker are on the rooftop of Caesars Palace Hilton Coliseum

Royce White: How about that ride in? I guess that’s why they call it Cyclone Country…ha ha. You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner. I tend to think of myself, as a one man wolf pack. Though when my sister brought Chris home I was like, “you mean that douchebag Kris Allen from American Idol?” She was like, “No, Chris Allen from Michigan State”, and right then I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack, it grew by one. So there was two of us…… in the wolf pack, I was alone first in the pack and then Chris joined later. And six months ago when Chris introduced me to you guys, I thought “wait a second could it be?” and now I know for sure I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves running around the desert together in Ames, looking for sweet corn and jersey chasers.. So tonight, I make a toast!”

To be continued?

The Side Effect Of Hiring “The Mayor”

when fred comes a callin, the panties go a fallin!

The hiring of new Men’s head basketball coach Fran McCaffrey at the University of Iowa was intended to be the big splash of the basketball off-season. It was the Hawkeyes’ time to shine and their opportunity to finally garner media attention surrounding their program that didn’t include analogies such as; “saying this team sucks is an insult to prostitutes across Johnson county” or “if a team wins at Carver Hawkeye, and no one’s there to see it, did it really happen?” Everything appeared to be going great in Iowa City, until the day that Iowa State was blessed with the resignation of one Greg McDermott. Shortly there after, ISU Athletic Director Jaime Pollard lifted himself to Godfather type status by hiring hometown hero Fred Hoiberg. Yes the hiring of Hoiberg has caused a bit of a stir in the Ames community, mostly involving increased rates of panty wetness that rivals that of N’Sync concerts in the late 90’s, but that’s nothing compared to how it has affected the Hawkeyes. The hiring has been seen to be much more problematic over in Iowa City. Iowa Football Coach Kirk Ferentz was even quoted as saying, “We will handle the problem internally”. This type of statement by Ferentz is typically indicative of something gone awry within the athletic department, players forcing themselves on women, or the senseless beating of downtown cab driver. So we know the situation must be serious.

It appears that ISU has stolen Iowa’s last gasp for air at being relevant again in men’s basketball, leaving Hawkeye fans everywhere bitter and even more inclined than before to accost children, the elderly, and even animals at the blank park zoo (we all know that story was true) with their pent up rage.

Iowa Head Coach Fran McCaffrey has attempted to contact Fred Hoiberg on multiple occasions in hopes of befriending him and learning his ways. But to no avail, he has yet to get a hold of the ISU coach.

WRNL has obtained transcripts of Fran’s messages to Coach Hoiberg:

Royce White Commits To ISU!

Iowa State Men’s basketball just picked up yet another transfer today, sophomore forward Royce White, previously of Minnesota. White is the most heralded player to come to ISU since probably Marcus Fizer. Taking Royce is not without risks, however. White was suspended for a good portion of his freshman season due to a shoplifting charge in a mall, as well as the accusation that he stole a laptop from a dorm room, AJ Price style.

Rest easy, Cyclone fans, Royce’s past transgressions will not ever hurt his standing in Ames. There are three major reasons for this:

1. If Royce steals from a mall and no one is there to notice it, is it really shoplifting? Seriously, have you been to North Grand Mall lately? That place is more deserted than Carver Hawkeye on Pierre Pierce humanitarian night.
2. Iowa State campus computer labs are all desktop computers. As we all know, Royce is all about laptops, so no worries here. Just to show our goodwill, WRNL would be glad to donate a laptop to Mr. White, though we won’t guarantee it will be newer than 2005, or have keys that aren’t super sticky.
3. The old, senile Cyclone fans won’t even associate Royce with thuggery. From his name, You’d think he’s about 80 years old, from Osage, IA, and drives a tractor.

Coach Hoiberg, we don’t know what you are doing to pile up the transfers, but if it’s seducing player’s moms with your sexiness, then you really fucked up by not getting to LeBron’s mom before Pat Riley did. There’s no shame in being Delonte’s sloppy seconds..

All-Time Iowa State “Notorious” Team

Yesterday, our favorite Cyclone related web site that reports real news published an article about the Top 5 All-Time Cyclone Men’s Basketball players.  We found the list to be rather… timid… so we came up with our own.  These men all represent the ideals we uphold here at WRNL and would be a great fit for any beer chugging, hash smoking, amateur posturing rec league in the country.

Without further adieu, we give you the All-Time Iowa State “Notorious” Team:

PG: Tim Barnes – This man loved his hash. He loved his hash so much he only played one year for the Cyclones. Fortunately he is probably still around to supply our current athletes with all their “needs”.

No doubt chasing down some BK...

SG: John Neal – Made an entire career out of two shots. If I did that I would have a full time career as a Chippendale dancer.

SF: Sam Mack – You robbed a Burger King through a drive thru window. How can you not make this list?

PF: Kenny Pratt – It takes a special kind of man to play with the desire that Pratt did. It takes an even more special kind of man to try and fight two cops while handcuffed.

C: Andrew Skoglund – If you ever wanted to see what Andre the Giant looked like playing basketball… with less mass, less skill, and less French… look no further.

Coming off the Bench…

Celebrating #21

21st pick overall in the 2010 NBA Draft!

Unless you’ve been in a coma or on some kind of bender for the last day and a half, cough Andrew Long cough, you’re well aware that the NBA draft took place. On Thursday night, ISU big man Craig Brackins was the 21st pick in the 2010 Draft. He was selected by the Oklahoma City Thunder and then immediately traded to The New Orleans Hornets. In the spirit of Brackin’s (#21) being selected as the 21st overall pick, Craig took it upon himself to celebrate in the only way he found fitting: a night of 21’s with his friends, family, and former ISU teammates. WRNL followed Craig and the star-studded group that included current players and former cyclone Curtis Stinson with him as they made their way around central Iowa to commemorate #21’s big draft day!

7:00pm- Let the 21’s begin! An unnamed publisher of a popular Cyclone website is politely asked to stop taking so many pictures at the draft party. Threats of 21 backhands are issued and an ultimatum is given, “What are you an Asian tourist? Knock it off or get to steppin”

8:20pm – Nothing says 21 like blackjack, right? Craig and a few of the boys head over to Meskwaki in Tama for some good old-fashioned gambling. Let me tell you, nothing pisses off a native like cashing in $21 repeatedly at the table. Well, calling him Cochise multiple times does too, but Bubu just doesn’t know any better.

Bobby Lutz-stache-off!!!

In honor of the hiring of assistant head coach Bobby Lutz to the Cyclone Basketball program WRNL had a “Lutz-stache-off”.  We asked our Facebook followers to submit images of people rocking Lutz quality mustaches with the promise of fame and riches for the best one. Well – consider the ‘fame’ part checked off the list, we’re sure the riches will follow any minute now.  Not that you Facebook ingrates deserve either one with such a shitty low participation rate.  In fact, we could name one of you a winner and the other guy would be the loser, you lazy sonsabitches.   (please keep following us – we know you like it rough)

Lutz-stache competitors

The mustached maniac himself - Bobby Lutz

I think even Bobby himself would agree that Bill Fennelly pulls off a mean fu manchu.  In fact, WRNL would like to encourage Bill to grow it out – it would easily intimidate its way to 3 or 4 more wins each season. 

One thing is certain, in a Lutz-stache-off everyone is a winner.

Because Everyone Loves a Killer ‘Stache

He gets grooming tips from Burt Reynolds.

This morning, Iowa State University announced the hiring of Bobby Lutz as Assistant Men’s Basketball Coach for the Cyclones. Rumors and speculation about the hire had been swirling for the past month, but today it was officially made official.

Porn 'stache or no, Fred's still one dreamy mofo.

In his first year as Head Coach for the Cyclones, Hoiberg has said he wants an assistant with coaching experience in his corner. Lutz, former head coach for the University of North Carolina at Charlotte,  certainly has that kind of coaching pedigree. But Lutz also brings something else every man wants to Iowa State: a killer mustache.

We at WRNL can’t wait to see what Lutz brings to the staff, both on the court and in the realm of facial hair. We hear Coach Hoiberg has already begun to grow his own cookie duster in honor of the new hire. Welcome to Iowa State, Bobby!