A Small Part of Me Died Today

Well, yesterday actually when I chose to stop by campus while passing through Ames.

There’s nothing more beautiful than a walk across the campus of Iowa State University. The beautiful landscape, Lancelot and Elaine paddling across Lake Leverne, colorful Autumn trees, and the Campanile. Oh Campaniling, how I miss thee. So many times you helped initiate a simple midnight kiss that would inevitably turn into an awkward sexual encounter. Looking past the medicated shampoos and penicillin shots, these are fond memories that I will certainly forever cherish.

However, an unsettling black cloud has emerged: one that garnishes a small yet functioning penis…

That’s right! Yesterday, “a day that shall live in infamy”, when our precious Campanile struck noon it played to the tune of “Bad Romance” by known skank and master of the hidden genitalia, Lady Gaga. As if the hipsters and flat billed hat wearing toolbags that seem to be popping up everywhere weren’t bad enough, now a once peaceful walk across our beautiful campus has been tarnished by the pitch corrected vocal mind rape that is “Gaga”. Having to suffer through her music at bars and/or when in the presence of a co-ed you’re hoping to seal the deal with is one thing, but to hear it echoing from the very bells that gave us the ode to our alma mater, ughhh!

I wear big glasses to hide my stroke face

However outraged I am by being forced unto diving head first into the bulging crotch of electro-pop while walking the campus yesterday, my abounding love for Iowa State will one day drown out this unfortunate event. But this wound is fresh, and now that abortion of an attempt at music is stuck in my head. Every time I close my eyes I find myself engulfed by a transvestite Mardi Gras of sexual nightmares. Please, make it stop!

Lady Gaga, die in a fire!

Baseball Update

We here at WRNL like to keep our readers up to date on all things Cyclone. Although not our most popular sport, we feel that Baseball is equally deserving of our attention as Football, Basketball, or off the field athlete shananigans.

We Still do not have a team

We will update you as news breaks regarding ISU baseball. Stay tuned…

We Did Have Options!

hand written notes just have a personal touch that people always appreciate!

Well, the question has been answered regarding ISU being hung out to dry in conference realignment and the potential changes that had us believing we’d be calling the MAC “home” before long. Where did we stand? A little over a month ago Jaime Pollard slipped the powers that be in the Big East Conference a little note that we can only assume looked similar to that pictured on the left. And the Big East finally gave us an answer, “We think you’re neat!” At least it wasn’t just mom telling us that we were beautiful and that we’d find someone to love us one day. The Big East was interested in ISU as well as KSU, KU, and Missourah. Who’d of thought?

Big East officials stated “We stumbled across ISU’s ad on Craigslist and were immediately interested in looking at them as a candidate for expansion. They had a lot to offer at a fair price and were willing to let a conference slap them around a bit. We like that kind of attitude around here, I mean you try dealing with that bitch Notre Dame all the time”.

It sure is nice to see WRNL getting a little recognition every once in a  while! It’s all in a days work my friends!

Now this will most definitely start debate over whether ISU would have been better off joining the Big East rather than allowing Texas to use us as their breeding mare. But at this point, who really cares. We may be the odd man out in the big XII, but now we have options! Plus, odds are we will be going through this entire expansion deal once again in a few years once the state of Texas inevitably decides to give secession another go. So those of you holding onto Big East aspirations still have something to look forward to.

Finally, those of you; Perrault, Keeler, 90% of Iowa fans, and the rest of those that were salivating over how ISU had no options and was doomed to the MAC, we offer you this…

Celebrities Should Be Playing Sports Instead of Doing Whatever It Is They Do

WRNL receives loads of emails and comments from our readers every day. Most are either hate mail, notices of copyright infringement, and/or sexual advances. But every now and again a loyal reader submits to us a piece of their own that they deem worthy of gracing the pages of Wide Right Natty Lite. This is one of those submissions. Thank you miley CYrus for supporting WRNL and putting off your Emma Goldman Clinic visit for a couple of hours in order to write us a little somethin’ somethin’.

"Poke-her-face?” yea, were talking about a penis

Lady gaga – soccer: Although lady gaga has no doubt become a pop icon in the last few years, the speculation regarding her genitalia has been a bigger controversy than her crazy outfits. With that said, for the sake of this article we will assume she has a small, but nonetheless present, fully functioning penis. Having a small penis makes her quicker on the field since she doesn’t have to deal with the chaffing problem that most Europeans have to deal with, save the foreskin debate for another day. Another factor in her corner that makes her a good candidate for any soccer team is that she happens to be smaller than almost every player of Latin decent. Her small stature makes her aerodynamic, shifty, and difficult to catch with an unexpected head butt. She could definitely hang with the boys, in more ways than one.

Entering The Field of Play

A fan ran on to the field Thursday night at Camden yards in Baltimore Maryland, however to the disappointment of most in attendance the rowdy teen escaped without taking a tazer to the face or even suffering any broken bones. Disappointing, I know. In fact ballpark security appeared to do almost nothing to stop the intruder from marauding around. This style of handling drunken fans coming out of the stands is largely unpopuler compared to the way things are handled in Philadelphia.

This unfortunate missed opportunity for a drunken bafoon to suffer severe spinal injuries or internal bleeding on the field brings about a question we would like to ask you, our readers.

The Side Effect Of Hiring “The Mayor”

when fred comes a callin, the panties go a fallin!

The hiring of new Men’s head basketball coach Fran McCaffrey at the University of Iowa was intended to be the big splash of the basketball off-season. It was the Hawkeyes’ time to shine and their opportunity to finally garner media attention surrounding their program that didn’t include analogies such as; “saying this team sucks is an insult to prostitutes across Johnson county” or “if a team wins at Carver Hawkeye, and no one’s there to see it, did it really happen?” Everything appeared to be going great in Iowa City, until the day that Iowa State was blessed with the resignation of one Greg McDermott. Shortly there after, ISU Athletic Director Jaime Pollard lifted himself to Godfather type status by hiring hometown hero Fred Hoiberg. Yes the hiring of Hoiberg has caused a bit of a stir in the Ames community, mostly involving increased rates of panty wetness that rivals that of N’Sync concerts in the late 90’s, but that’s nothing compared to how it has affected the Hawkeyes. The hiring has been seen to be much more problematic over in Iowa City. Iowa Football Coach Kirk Ferentz was even quoted as saying, “We will handle the problem internally”. This type of statement by Ferentz is typically indicative of something gone awry within the athletic department, players forcing themselves on women, or the senseless beating of downtown cab driver. So we know the situation must be serious.

It appears that ISU has stolen Iowa’s last gasp for air at being relevant again in men’s basketball, leaving Hawkeye fans everywhere bitter and even more inclined than before to accost children, the elderly, and even animals at the blank park zoo (we all know that story was true) with their pent up rage.

Iowa Head Coach Fran McCaffrey has attempted to contact Fred Hoiberg on multiple occasions in hopes of befriending him and learning his ways. But to no avail, he has yet to get a hold of the ISU coach.

WRNL has obtained transcripts of Fran’s messages to Coach Hoiberg:

“The Decision” Parody

So if you’re like most people, you probably didn’t even know that the ESPY’s took place this past week. Well, they did, but don’t worry because you didn’t really miss anything. A lot of rather meaningless awards were handed out, most of which went to the same teams and programing that ESPN regularly subjects us all to at the point of nauseum. I too was a bit surprised too that Tim Tebow wasn’t given some type of life time achievement award! Aside from the family of the late legendary Aplington-Parkersburg football coach Ed Thomas accepting the Arthur Ashe Courage Award in his honor and UNI’s win over KU in the tournament taking home best upset, most of the show was to be expected.

However there was one little gem that stood out and at least made the award show worth watching. Steve Carrell and Paul Rudd provided us with a parody of Lebron’s “Decision” which was covered to the point of disgust in the week prior on ESPN and seemingly every other news outlet. Enjoy…

Custom NCAA Cover

Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness!

 

To commemorate the release of NCAA Football 2011, GameStop managers in Tuscaloosa, Alabama marked the occasion with a custom cover they slipped onto their stores’ copies of the game. No, it didn’t feature Nick Satan Saban or anyone from last years National Championship roster, those witty Alabamans let the long awaited game hit the shelves dawning the tear soaked face of the anointed one: Tim Tebow. WRNL attempted to reach Tebow for comment, however were told by his publicist that he was “abroad on a mission from God to circumcise the penises of the unwashed so that they may become closer to the Holy Father”.  Because everybody knows that there is nothing that the almighty hates more than a foreskin! 

The move to use a custom NCAA cover by the Tuscaloosa GameStop has sparked a trend that is spreading nationwide. A cover featuring Roy Helu Jr. coating his hands in KY jelly as well as Niles Paul doing his best impression of Leon Lett going in for a touchdown is set to hit stores in Ames sometime in the next week or so. 

Who would have thought that Alabama would start a nationwide trend that didn’t have to do with macro-making costumes out of bed sheets or animal husbandry? 

Here’s the link to the original Tebow story by SB Nation