It’s gonna hurt deep

Tim Tebow touched by an Angel?

We’re all aware of Tim Tebow’s history of self righteousness, humbleness, and dedication to the lord our God, but skeptics still remained.  Is he really the second coming of Jesus? Or an angel walking amongst us?  I have your answer…

Angels have to eat too

Notice any similarities?  Tebow’s rookie haircut is a striking resemblance to the crown of thorns Jesus Christ himself wore before his crucifixion.  Coincidence?  I think not.  It’s a sign people!!!  Jesus is here again in the form of a professional football player!  And here I thought all those “eulogies” during post game interviews were pointless because God doesn’t really care that you were able to win 3 straight games.  Think again….

On Second thought…the Knicks still suck and Jared Jeffries’ entire career is proof God probably doesn’t care.  Either that or God must have forwarded all Jared Jeffries’ emails to the spam folder.

Entering The Field of Play

A fan ran on to the field Thursday night at Camden yards in Baltimore Maryland, however to the disappointment of most in attendance the rowdy teen escaped without taking a tazer to the face or even suffering any broken bones. Disappointing, I know. In fact ballpark security appeared to do almost nothing to stop the intruder from marauding around. This style of handling drunken fans coming out of the stands is largely unpopuler compared to the way things are handled in Philadelphia.

This unfortunate missed opportunity for a drunken bafoon to suffer severe spinal injuries or internal bleeding on the field brings about a question we would like to ask you, our readers.

Summer Sports – Episode 4

Best part about soccer? It gets the juices flowing for those Brazilian girls. Giggity-giggity-giggity-giggity-goo

Well folks, summertime is finally here. Finals week is over, college students have meandered out to a quiet life of working to pay for tuition (or in my case) to have enough money for alcohol for the fall.

Summertime also brings on what I like to call sports hell. The NCAA tournament is over, baseball is in miles 7-16 of its marathon season, there’s no football action at any level, especially now that the expansion talk has ended (with ISU holding its spot in a BCS conference, fuck yeah!) We’re getting close, but it’s not quite minicamp season…yet.

Flipping through the channels, however, I was shocked to discover that – holy shit – there are actually sports going on in the summer. Since there’s a long way to go until fall semester starts and NFL training camp kicks off in late July, I figured I’d spend some time “analyzing” these mysterious sports – particularly from the perspective of someone watching the sport.

You can catch up with this series with Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3

Part 4 – Soccer

I realize that this is going to likely be one of my most divisive articles in this series, at least until I get to baseball. Soccer is one of the most polarizing sports in America. There are those who love it to death and will defend its honor at all costs, and those who hate its guts and will take any means necessary to detract from it. Both sides are obscenely passionate about their love or hate for the game.

Bicycles, Bracelets and French People

Lance requests the number of hookers he'd like sent to his room.

 
Le Tour has le started.
The famous bike ride through the mountains, valleys and white flags of France is in full swing. If you’re American (and who isn’t?) you don’t really know shit about cycling but you do know Lance Armstrong . 

Armstrong is the lanky Texan who has won 7 Tour de France titles, all of them with only three testicles – the fourth was sadly lost to cancer in the late 1990s.  He’s the man in the yellow jersey who Europeans, specifically the French type, love to hate. He laughs right in cancer’s face yet is cool enough to give you the hook up on some sweet rubber bracelets. He’s the guy who has sex with Matthew McConaughey just to rub it in the face of soccer moms everywhere.  The hero of US cycling and the scourge of Le’ Hexagon affectionatos – ladies and gentlemen: Lance Armstrong.  

Lance and his bitch.

Armstrong is also the only professional cycler to never fail a drug test. This achievement alone is considered amazing as nearly 99% of all cyclers throughout recorded history have hit the juice. Steroids are the life blood of professional cycling and Lance is the sparkly Team Edward that abstains from the plasma party for his freaky looking lady friend. [This analogy would have worked even better if his relationship with the Olsen twin was still a go.]    In fact, Lance is apparently so clean that it appears his mere presence on the ride cleanses the urine of the other riders – a feat we’d rather not ponder the dynamics of.  Suffice it to say that Year 1 post-Lance was cyclings version of the Mitchell report.   

Lance unfortunately was one twin away from a Full House

For his part, Lance spent 2006-08 in retirement -killing time by competing in triathlons, riding across the state of Iowa, and shuffling through various Hollywood starlets in an attempt to keep his remaining testicle in peak physical condition.  Then, to the surprise of many, Lance returned to professional cycling in 2009.  Nightmares of Jordan in a Wizard jersey flashed through the heads of the several hundred NBA/US Cycling fans.  Instead Lance’s miracle nut carried him to an impressive 3rd place finish.  

This year at the age of 40 Lance is racing again.  He was caught in a pile up early on and is currently toiling away in 38th place – his magic sack being worked for all its worth.  There’s still time to make up ground, but at almost 40 mins back off the leader a win this year seems nearly impossible.

Admittedly, these Tours of the Frances goes on for seemingly longer than a MLB season.  However we promise it will be over before football season and if you’re a Cubs fan you have nothing better to do anyway.  Follow it here.

“The Decision” Parody

So if you’re like most people, you probably didn’t even know that the ESPY’s took place this past week. Well, they did, but don’t worry because you didn’t really miss anything. A lot of rather meaningless awards were handed out, most of which went to the same teams and programing that ESPN regularly subjects us all to at the point of nauseum. I too was a bit surprised too that Tim Tebow wasn’t given some type of life time achievement award! Aside from the family of the late legendary Aplington-Parkersburg football coach Ed Thomas accepting the Arthur Ashe Courage Award in his honor and UNI’s win over KU in the tournament taking home best upset, most of the show was to be expected.

However there was one little gem that stood out and at least made the award show worth watching. Steve Carrell and Paul Rudd provided us with a parody of Lebron’s “Decision” which was covered to the point of disgust in the week prior on ESPN and seemingly every other news outlet. Enjoy…

Checking In On America’s Pastime

So if tennis headlining Sportscenter and LPGA golf taking over network television for an entire weekend weren’t good enough indicators of a lack of meaningful sports being played during mid summer, then Chris Berman’s relentless “back, back, back, back, BACK, BACK” ear bludgeoning home run call certainly drives that point home.

The MLB All Star game and home run derby are officially the breaking point at which one begins to question if football season is ever going to finally get here. 80 something games into it, none of which mean anything up to this point, and baseball hits you with a beer league esque event that decides home field advantage in the World Series. That one was really well thought out Selig, kudos to you on that! At least you didn’t over react or something after that tie a few years back…The derby is cool though I guess. At least watching b-list power hitters and saps whose heads haven’t swollen up enough yet to big time MLB on this is exciting, right???

Well, if you’re like most people you don’t actually care about baseball until October. Unless of course you actually go to the ballpark, but who can really afford $9 beers more than once in a while? So we figured we’d let you know where your favorite ball club is sitting up to this point. Here’s what’s going on with some of the regional and bandwagon baseball clubs.

Primary Sponsor for LeBron-athon Announced!

LeBron's Rehearsal Dinner

As you may have heard, ESPN will be broadcasting the LeBron James signing special tonight at 9/8 p.m. CT. Apparently, LeBron’s representatives requested they be allowed to sell sponsorship for the one-hour special, with the proceeds going to the Boys and Girls Clubs of America.

A lot of people may suggest that holding a Christmas special type show just to announce where he is signing makes LeBron the most egotistical person on the face of the planet, but alas, not to be outdone, Brett Favre has announced that he will be buying every single sponsorship spot for the special, as well as the custom backdrop for the announcement. Favre had the following comment: “I really just wanted to contribute to a very good cause, the Brett Favre attention whore fund… errr.. I mean the Boys and Girls Club of America.”

Where will LeBron end up?  Miami, Chicago, Cleveland, New York, Team Jacob?  ESPN presents it tonight, brought to you by Brett Favre.