Some Cyclones Can’t Wait Until Next Week

Looks like the Iowa City based Cyclones have had enough with the hype and are taking things into their own hands.

The white truck is obviously driven by a Cyclone fan and the guy on the moped… starting (now injured) Hawkeye center Josh Koeppel (he’s fine folks we aren’t that heartless)

Ouch, get well soon… well, after week two

Dan Hawkins: The Wind Beneath Greg McDermott’s Wings

Inspired by the recent news of Dan Hawkins asking the University of Colorado Athletic Department for an extension despite going 16-33 over 4 years in the midst of driving the CU football program into the ground, Greg McDermott made a call to Jamie Pollard late Thursday night to request his old job back.

When approached for comment on the validity of the story, McDermott said: “Not only did I request my job back at Iowa State, but I asked that they fire that bum Hoiberg and double my salary. My win percentage at Iowa State is twice Hawkins’ win percentage at CU. If he can ask for an extension, then surely I can ask for a new contract offer and a raise. Iowa State fans think Fred Hoiberg is such a great hire because he got Royce White, Chris Allen, Anthony Booker, and Chris Babb to come to Ames? Did they all forget that I signed LA Pomlee, Clayton Vette, and Wes Eikmeier? Ingrates.”

When reminded that season ticket sales had almost doubled since the arrival of Hoiberg, McDermott commented: “We’ll see what happens when fans realize that Fred Hoiberg won’t be able to match my total of one win over a ranked team in 4 years. That record, as well as the number of transfers out in one season, will be mine forever. Even though I love Creighton and the daily rimjobs they have to give me because my AD couldn’t even get my name correct at my introductory press conference, if Jamie Pollard is smart, he’d do the smart thing and double my salary to come back to Iowa State. I’m a living legend!”

Reports that Jim Walden made a similar request could not be confirmed at this time.

Know Your Enemy: A Review

This guy would break the Hinrich scale of douchiness

Earlier this week WRNL concluded our Know Your Enemy series, which allowed ISU fans to get a more intimate portrait of the opponents on this year’s football schedule.  The pieces were met with reactions which ranged from rage to condescension, from giggling like a mental patient to outright hatred, and in several cases, to extreme sexual arousal.

We’d like to recap this feature and rate each respective fan base’s reaction on the Hinrich Scale of Douche-Baggery.  The Hinrich Scale is named after former KU basketball star and former ISU verbal commit Kirk Hinrich, after whom the vaginal irrigation device was originally named.  Having grown up in Sioux City, and attending KU, we don’t feel he had much of a chance at a normal life, but that’s irrelevant.

1 Hinrich = Very non-douchey, the highest compliment an opponent can receive

10 Hinrichs = Ashton Kutcher – literally the highest level of douche possible.

Let’s get started!

NORTHERN ILLINOIS [link]
This was our first piece, and was met with a tepid reaction from the NIU fanbase.

Scott asks “Was this written by an 8th grader? We’ll let our football do the talking this fall, like we did in 2003. Enjoy your summer ‘cyclone’ fans.”

Of course, the stupid asshole conveniently forgot the last game that ISU and NIU played,  ISU won.  Generally though, NIU didn’t seem to fuss too much. So we’ll give them a 6 on the Hinrich Scale.

 
 

IOWA [link]
Let’s just get this out of the way.  Iowa is getting a shit-load of Hinrichs.  There probably isn’t a fan base in America with such a bloated sense of entitlement or blatant lack of objectivity regarding themselves.  Hawk fans generally have no concept of the idea of self-deprecating humor and honestly think the rest of the country views them as an elite program.

In a typical show of Hawkeye pride, Hawk4life responded with “Apparently, this statement is true”….it’s ISU’s SuperBowl”! For the LOVE of GOD, it’s only May and you CyClown idiots are already talking about this game, a game by the way, where you will get a beat down by more than 4 TD’s! Enjoy your toilet bowl win last year and call us when you win a bowl game that has some significance!!”

What a brilliant piece of writing. 9 Hinrichs for the Hawks.

 
 

KANSAS STATE [link]
The Wildcats for the most part are good shit.  Bring on the Cats is a funny blog, and I’ve been treated well in the Little Apple.

Gap, a KSU fan who took a few swipes back at the State of Iowa clearly had a sense of humor about the excessive bestiality references and redneck jokes, ending his comments with:  “That being said funny shit, and your blast of KU is awesome as well.” KSU ranks pretty low on the Hinrich Scale, at a 3.

 
 

NORTHERN IOWA [link]
Most UNI fans are just Hawk fans wearing purple for a day, and it showed in their responses.

From poster Iowa State Is A Disgrace, we got this gem:  “wow dude, whoever wrote this article is a complete idiot. The only thing that Iowa State has going for it is wrestling and occasionally volleyball. UNI basketball program takes the cake for the state of Iowa, Iowa takes the cake for football and yes wrestling as Iowa State gets their ass kicked every year by Iowa. If you are so heralding of Iowa State, check this out, UNI has beaten Iowa State 3 out of the last 4 years in basketball. They also have more tournament appearances and conference championships. You should just be praising Texas for keeping the Big 12 together otherwise you would end up in a non BCS conference because no one wants ISU.”

Go fuck yourselves UNI.  9 Hinrichs for the Panthers.

 
 

UTAH [link]
Ah, MORMONS.  Their inability to take a joke made Iowa and UNI look good. Perhaps their angered responses were a reaction to a life without sex and drugs? Either way, the Ute fans threw a gigantic shit fit. Here are some of our personal favorites.

Iowa Ute:  “Nice to see bigotry is alive and well at Iowa State. What a horrible attempt at humor and satire. You should be ashamed/embarrassed.”
The Corporation:  “This isn’t “talking trash.” This is just religious bigotry. Sad, unfunny and very pathetic. No wonder no conference wants your pathetic school and equally pathetic athletic department”.
CYphillis:  “I think it’s time to ease back on the Mormons and give them credit for one of the greatest sexual revolutions ever achieved, the art of soaking: The art of having sex, without thrusting. When a couple “sticks it in” and then leaves it there to “soak.” This has become a common phenomenon with certain groups of Christians (predominantly Mormons) who try to circumvent the law of chastity.“

For the Utes? 10 Acid-tripping Hinrichs having thrust-filled premarital sex with each other

 
 

TEXAS TECH [link]
We don’t think we got a single response from actual Tech fans, although there were several Longhorns who found it hilarious.  We’re going to go ahead and give Tech 5 Hinrichs, based on [WRNL writer] Intoxcycated’s horror stories of road trips to Lubbock (to be fair, if you saw him at a game you would assume he’s a sociopath), as well as horror stories about Lubbock from other Big 12 fanbases.

5 Hinrichs for the Sand Aggies.

 
 

OKLAHOMA [link]
The Sooners were one of our favorite fan bases in all of this.  We BLASTED those guys from everything from Toby Keith to their propensity to cry on National television, and they took it like Jenna Haze does a money shot.

Soonerram said:  “I have to admit – nice slams. Well played. Now go get your effin’ shnebox!”.

Well timed Goodfellas references always earn you points.  2 Hinrichs.

 
 

TEXAS [link]
The Horns were good sports as well.  They were a little more defensive than the Sooners, being quick to point out the George Bush was NOT a Texan, but I think they took it well for the most part.

bury_switzer had this to say:  “Keep up the jokes they are funny at times and I can make fun of myself and my team. You have a great sense of humor which I would expect from a Iowa State fan”

I mean, there’s only so much smack we can throw at Texas. 2 Hinrichs for the Horns.

 
 

NEBRASKA [link]
Just when you thought that the Utes were the biggest bitches on our schedule, Herbie and his merry band of nut-sack ticklers decided to show their true colors.  The retarded comments by Nebraska fans were so numerous, that I feel decorum prohibits listing them here.  (Actually, I’m just lazy, so I’ll link it.)

The Huskers broke totally new ground here, so guess what?  10 Hinrichs for Nebraska.  You hear that Nebraska?  Iowa fans were less douchey! Its like you’re trying to fail.

 
 

KANSAS [link]
Kansas fans don’t even know they have a football team, so they hardly even count.  Regardless, Jayhawk fans are generally tools, as are all KU basketball players, so we obviously have to give them a high ranking on the Hinrich scale.  After all, they DID give us the douchery of Kirk Hinrich.

9 Hinrichs for the Duke Jr.

 
 

COLORADO [link]
Buffalo fans were too busy sparking their bowl to care.

Except for Jerry Rogers, who showed up to provide us with his list of “facts”.  Unfortunately, Mr. Rogers didn’t get the memo that we don’t care about “facts”.  Won’t you be my neighbor?

7 Hinrichs for the Pac-10 bound or then again maybe not, Buffaloes.

 
 

MIZZOU [link]
Missouri fans found many of our other send-ups to be absolutely riotous – providing WRNL with a lot of hits.  They really enjoyed the Nebraska piece, pleasuring themselves throughout the Herbie heckling.  However, with the focus on them, it was quickly obvious Mizzou couldn’t handle being on the receiving end.

Anyone can laugh at someone else, but if you can’t laugh at yourself, you suck.  6 Hinrichs for Mizzou.

WRNL Has Your Ticket to the Cy-Hawk Game!

Looking to go to the rivalry game in Iowa City this year? Well, we here at WRNL always have your best interests in mind and have just the ticket you’ve been looking for. And if you play your cards right, it sounds like you might even get a handie out of the deal!

Casual encounters are always pretty awkward, but this one looks promising. I mean the main requirements are, “Manners, does not wear knickers or work boots to the game, does not smoke tobacco or chew, and sex is not your middle name”. And although that rules out about 98% of the Hawkeye fanbase, we’re sure that many of our viewers can exceed these already low standards. And lets be honest, this reeks of desperation. This is one of the few women out there who would actually be thankful for the 1 ½ minutes of mediocre lovin’ that any WRNL reader is willing to provide her with. Just be prepared – she’s tall:

Now “sex” is not my middle name, but I feel naked without my knickers, so I’m unfortunately gonna have to let this one pass. But for all of you lonely gents out there that spend your nights watching scrambled Cinemax and combing Facebook for sideboob pics, this one’s for you. So have at it. I’ve heard they have tubs of popcorn at kinnick, so when one of you lands this amazon I recommend going with a little spontaneity! Good luck and godspeed WRNL readers, and if you end up getting married, we would like to be invited to the bachelor party. Dangerous Curves anyone?

Here’s your ticket to the game: Des Moines Craigslist

We Did Have Options!

hand written notes just have a personal touch that people always appreciate!

Well, the question has been answered regarding ISU being hung out to dry in conference realignment and the potential changes that had us believing we’d be calling the MAC “home” before long. Where did we stand? A little over a month ago Jaime Pollard slipped the powers that be in the Big East Conference a little note that we can only assume looked similar to that pictured on the left. And the Big East finally gave us an answer, “We think you’re neat!” At least it wasn’t just mom telling us that we were beautiful and that we’d find someone to love us one day. The Big East was interested in ISU as well as KSU, KU, and Missourah. Who’d of thought?

Big East officials stated “We stumbled across ISU’s ad on Craigslist and were immediately interested in looking at them as a candidate for expansion. They had a lot to offer at a fair price and were willing to let a conference slap them around a bit. We like that kind of attitude around here, I mean you try dealing with that bitch Notre Dame all the time”.

It sure is nice to see WRNL getting a little recognition every once in a  while! It’s all in a days work my friends!

Now this will most definitely start debate over whether ISU would have been better off joining the Big East rather than allowing Texas to use us as their breeding mare. But at this point, who really cares. We may be the odd man out in the big XII, but now we have options! Plus, odds are we will be going through this entire expansion deal once again in a few years once the state of Texas inevitably decides to give secession another go. So those of you holding onto Big East aspirations still have something to look forward to.

Finally, those of you; Perrault, Keeler, 90% of Iowa fans, and the rest of those that were salivating over how ISU had no options and was doomed to the MAC, we offer you this…

How Many Underage Hawkeyes Can You Find In This Picture?

Congratulations to those of you who guessed 2! We’re looking at you Mr. Starting Running back with the Mardi Gras bling and dude who no one knows in the back asking for this pic to be kept on the down low… Hampton and Griggs are both underage. Something tells me that that’s not a miniature bowling game set up on the table, nor are they there to collect cans in order to donate the deposit refund to local children’s charities. It’s almost like someone said “lets get the underage boy up front, we want to make sure we get him in the photo right up next to all the booze and our sweet pong table”. I suppose the situation could be worse though, we here at WRNL have it on good authority that no cab drivers were harmed on this particular evening. So that’s a plus!

if they were only natty lights, they very well could have inspired a website one day!

Oh Hawkeyes, has Larry Eustachy taught you nothing? LE rule #1: You don’t allow pictures of yourself drinking alcohol to hit the internet. We all know how well that one turns out!

This photo does bring about a few questions though… whose idea was it to oil each other down and take drunken pictures around the pong table? My best guess would be Bernstine and Hampton, since Robinson appears to be pointing at the men that oiled him. It appears that he is also reacting to Marvin busting a “McNutt” all over his lower back, but one can only speculate. Secondly, where did Jewel get that sweet jailhouse Hawkeye tat? There are overweight women’s breasts in trailer parks all across eastern Iowa that have been waiting years for something of that quality to come along. And finally, who’s behind the camera? One can only assume lots and lots of white women.

All we can do now is sit back and anxiously await this situation to be “handled internally”. After all, most of these guys are starters.

The Side Effect Of Hiring “The Mayor”

when fred comes a callin, the panties go a fallin!

The hiring of new Men’s head basketball coach Fran McCaffrey at the University of Iowa was intended to be the big splash of the basketball off-season. It was the Hawkeyes’ time to shine and their opportunity to finally garner media attention surrounding their program that didn’t include analogies such as; “saying this team sucks is an insult to prostitutes across Johnson county” or “if a team wins at Carver Hawkeye, and no one’s there to see it, did it really happen?” Everything appeared to be going great in Iowa City, until the day that Iowa State was blessed with the resignation of one Greg McDermott. Shortly there after, ISU Athletic Director Jaime Pollard lifted himself to Godfather type status by hiring hometown hero Fred Hoiberg. Yes the hiring of Hoiberg has caused a bit of a stir in the Ames community, mostly involving increased rates of panty wetness that rivals that of N’Sync concerts in the late 90’s, but that’s nothing compared to how it has affected the Hawkeyes. The hiring has been seen to be much more problematic over in Iowa City. Iowa Football Coach Kirk Ferentz was even quoted as saying, “We will handle the problem internally”. This type of statement by Ferentz is typically indicative of something gone awry within the athletic department, players forcing themselves on women, or the senseless beating of downtown cab driver. So we know the situation must be serious.

It appears that ISU has stolen Iowa’s last gasp for air at being relevant again in men’s basketball, leaving Hawkeye fans everywhere bitter and even more inclined than before to accost children, the elderly, and even animals at the blank park zoo (we all know that story was true) with their pent up rage.

Iowa Head Coach Fran McCaffrey has attempted to contact Fred Hoiberg on multiple occasions in hopes of befriending him and learning his ways. But to no avail, he has yet to get a hold of the ISU coach.

WRNL has obtained transcripts of Fran’s messages to Coach Hoiberg:

“The Decision” Parody

So if you’re like most people, you probably didn’t even know that the ESPY’s took place this past week. Well, they did, but don’t worry because you didn’t really miss anything. A lot of rather meaningless awards were handed out, most of which went to the same teams and programing that ESPN regularly subjects us all to at the point of nauseum. I too was a bit surprised too that Tim Tebow wasn’t given some type of life time achievement award! Aside from the family of the late legendary Aplington-Parkersburg football coach Ed Thomas accepting the Arthur Ashe Courage Award in his honor and UNI’s win over KU in the tournament taking home best upset, most of the show was to be expected.

However there was one little gem that stood out and at least made the award show worth watching. Steve Carrell and Paul Rudd provided us with a parody of Lebron’s “Decision” which was covered to the point of disgust in the week prior on ESPN and seemingly every other news outlet. Enjoy…