WRNL Sits Down With Hiawatha Rutland

"Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down"

When the writers at WRNL thought about who we would like our first Cyclone interview to be, it really wasn’t even up for debate… it had to be the one and only Lumas P! We proudly bring you WRNL’s first non-fictional interview, Hiawatha Rutland. We are also extremely proud to say that no chloroform or blackmail was used in obtaining this interview, but don’t think we’re above doing that if it comes down to it.

We present to our readers …(Drum roll)… Hiawatha!

WRNL: What have you been up to since ISU fans last saw you in action?
I have been trying to fix my knee. I do stand up in NYC and I am a high school English teacher. I also flirt with hot babes and they are really impressed that I lived in Iowa for nearly a decade.

We can only assume their impression of life in Iowa goes a little something like this… Ghost ridin’ the whip!

WRNL: Talk about Lumas P.
Lumas P. Simmons is an institution. He is the best rapper of all time. He has since retired. However, he can be spotted from time to time after a few Natty Lights freestyling.

“DPS see my car scared to put a ticket on me. I’m a top priority, and a minority, my pictures on the walls of your girl’s sorority.”

Some of the greatest lyrics ever!

WRNL: What are you working on right now and how can Cyclone fans keep up with you?
I am getting my teaching certification in secondary special ed at City College in NYC. I blog on Facebook every Wednesday. The name of my blog is Hiawatha’s Hump Day Happenings. I talk about stuff that happens during the week and list upcoming shows and pretty much tell people how awesome NYC is. I always try to find a way to shout out the Cyclones as well in my blog whenever possible.

The Headphones Sketch – watch more funny videos

For details on upcoming appearances, shows, and random thoughts you can follow Hiawatha on Myspace and Facebook.

WRNL: What was your best / most memorable moment as a Cyclone?
When I scored my first career touchdown against Florida State University. My grandmother had died that summer. I missed a day of training and I lost my starting job when I was clearly the best RB in the history of the school. I was pissed. I told myself the first time I touch the ball I was going to score. It actually was my third touch but it was sweet as I grew up a Gator fan. I hate FSU they are trying to sue my high school right now for the logo. That logo has been at my high school for thirty years. FSU is so irrelevant they want to come after us after all these years to get some attention. Free Shoe U should go hug a tree.

Seneca was in!

WRNL: What was your favorite team to play against?
I had several. Kansas, Missouri, Nebraska, Troy State (best defense I ever faced) and I loved playing Florida State even though we only played once.

WRNL: Best jersey chaser story that won’t get you time?
Too many. Girls would find my cell phone number and threaten to take me to the abyss if I scored a touchdown. I was afraid of women who knew who I was because I saw many athletes get in trouble. However, a man has needs and I am a man. That will probably get me time but all I have is time. Bring it!

WRNL: If there were no fear of penalty what would be your go to endzone celebration?
I would bring a hot babe onto the field and make out with her and this would be the opening scene to the Jersey Chaser video.

WRNL: What are your impressions of Paul Rhoads and the coaching staff?
I do not do impressions (That was me being funny). I think Coach Rhoads is the perfect man for the job. I wish he was my head coach. He makes his players confident. He makes them proud. He is a tough dude and he has high expectations. As a school teacher, I know the impact of expectations on performance. Students know when I am blowing smoke and I believe and more importantly the players believe that Coach Rhoads knows what he is talking about and cares about their success as men, students, and as a football program……..

Oh no he di'int!

WRNL: What are your expectations for the upcoming season? That’s one tough ass schedule, isn’t it?
Toughest schedule in the nation. I think this is the year we beat a ranked team on the road. Texas or Oklahoma will lose to us this year. I know this. I hope we can make it to another bowl game as I just got a raise and I need somewhere new to spend my extra money. We should be able to contend for the North title and that is what I am looking forward to happening. But a big time program will go down to us this season. You can believe that, sun!

WRNL: Will ISU go bowling again this year?
Yes. The Memorial Union has a great bowling venue. My high score was 189 in 2007.

WRNL: Who’s funnier – you or Paul Shirley? Could you take him?

I am funnier. He is funnier looking. Paul is my good friend. We used to eat dorm food together in Maple Willow Larch dining hall. Now, you want to hear a Jersey Chaser story. We were having lunch or what was supposed to be lunch. Come on man, you have eaten in Larch. This cute little lady comes up to Paul with balloons and a card and asks him if he would take her out for Valentine’s Day. She never introduces herself. Paul choked on his cereal and does not make eye contact and tells this woman to email him. I asked him how does she know your email? He said to me in the coolest voice ever, “I’m sure she knows how to find me.” I was like I want to be Paul Shirley. Girls like guys with the last name of a woman. He taught me how to handle the fame that I would gain later in my career.

WRNL fields a squad of 9 skinny bitches, 1 chic and a big fat dude who overheats easily. You get the ball at the 50, how many seconds does it take you to overpower us and get to the endzone?
This is tough because skinny bitches are my weakness. What are they wearing? Do they know who I am? Are they willing to come to the endzone with me? So many ways to go with this one. But at face value, in my prime with two fully functioning knees I would say 27.32 seconds plus or minus 3

Even with the bad knees, our chances still don’t look very good!

Look for Hiawatha to check back in with WRNL periodically throughout the football season. And if news breaks regarding a local appearance by ISU’s greatest running back, or if Lumas P un-retires from “the game”, Wide Right & Natty Lite will have the inside scoop. Stay tuned!

The Most Interesting Coach in the World

His presence in the game of football is what keeps Favre coming back

If at first he does not succeed, then it is impossible

Webster recently added a silent “h” to the word “road”

He’s had 3 different vasectomies attempted, none of which were successful

Alien abductors have asked him, to probe them

Even Hawkeye fans are polite when in his presence, well kinda

Paul Rhoads is, The Most Interesting Coach in the World!

“Stay thirsty for football my friends”

WRNL Has Your Ticket to the Cy-Hawk Game!

Looking to go to the rivalry game in Iowa City this year? Well, we here at WRNL always have your best interests in mind and have just the ticket you’ve been looking for. And if you play your cards right, it sounds like you might even get a handie out of the deal!

Casual encounters are always pretty awkward, but this one looks promising. I mean the main requirements are, “Manners, does not wear knickers or work boots to the game, does not smoke tobacco or chew, and sex is not your middle name”. And although that rules out about 98% of the Hawkeye fanbase, we’re sure that many of our viewers can exceed these already low standards. And lets be honest, this reeks of desperation. This is one of the few women out there who would actually be thankful for the 1 ½ minutes of mediocre lovin’ that any WRNL reader is willing to provide her with. Just be prepared – she’s tall:

Now “sex” is not my middle name, but I feel naked without my knickers, so I’m unfortunately gonna have to let this one pass. But for all of you lonely gents out there that spend your nights watching scrambled Cinemax and combing Facebook for sideboob pics, this one’s for you. So have at it. I’ve heard they have tubs of popcorn at kinnick, so when one of you lands this amazon I recommend going with a little spontaneity! Good luck and godspeed WRNL readers, and if you end up getting married, we would like to be invited to the bachelor party. Dangerous Curves anyone?

Here’s your ticket to the game: Des Moines Craigslist

The Recruiting Trail

The ISU coaching staff never stops recruiting, even in times when the materials typically reserved for homecoming lawn displays are being rationed and used to build an ark. sidebar – I hope they take two members of every sorority, after all we’re going to need loose women in the future. But back to recruiting… ISU recruiting coordinator Bobby Elliot is always on the prowl for late talent that has slipped between the cracks, or spotting a guy and showing interest before the Texas’ of the world catch wind of him.

That looks like what has happened here. A few young athletes have popped onto ISU’s radar. And when I say “young”, we’re talkin’ hairless.

#36 is reportidly high on our list for the class of 2020. And you can’t argue that the kid has potential, I mean just listen to the cries for help of the other 8 year olds he destroys!

The Most Interesting Coach In The World (Dos)

Money talks, but not during his locker room speeches

David Sims was only trying to purchase a gift for him

He does not yell at his players, but he isn’t afraid to give a stern talking to

If he slept with your girlfriend…you would brag to your buddies

Game films of teams he coached have been nominated for Academy Awards

Paul Rhoads is, The Most Interesting Coach in the World!

“Stay thirsty for football my friends”

The Most Interesting Coach in the World

His recruiting footprint is expanding faster than the universe.

At an interview, he asks the questions.

He knows what Meatloaf is referring to in which he won’t do for love.

If you went out to dinner with him, you would feel full even before the food arrived.

37 other division 1 head coaches have him listed as their “Emergency Contact” number.

Officials ask him for permission before calling a penalty.

If he wanted an endzone bowled in. It would have happened already. Twice.

Paul Rhoads is, The Most Interesting Coach in the World!

“Stay thirsty for football my friends”

How Many Underage Hawkeyes Can You Find In This Picture?

Congratulations to those of you who guessed 2! We’re looking at you Mr. Starting Running back with the Mardi Gras bling and dude who no one knows in the back asking for this pic to be kept on the down low… Hampton and Griggs are both underage. Something tells me that that’s not a miniature bowling game set up on the table, nor are they there to collect cans in order to donate the deposit refund to local children’s charities. It’s almost like someone said “lets get the underage boy up front, we want to make sure we get him in the photo right up next to all the booze and our sweet pong table”. I suppose the situation could be worse though, we here at WRNL have it on good authority that no cab drivers were harmed on this particular evening. So that’s a plus!

if they were only natty lights, they very well could have inspired a website one day!

Oh Hawkeyes, has Larry Eustachy taught you nothing? LE rule #1: You don’t allow pictures of yourself drinking alcohol to hit the internet. We all know how well that one turns out!

This photo does bring about a few questions though… whose idea was it to oil each other down and take drunken pictures around the pong table? My best guess would be Bernstine and Hampton, since Robinson appears to be pointing at the men that oiled him. It appears that he is also reacting to Marvin busting a “McNutt” all over his lower back, but one can only speculate. Secondly, where did Jewel get that sweet jailhouse Hawkeye tat? There are overweight women’s breasts in trailer parks all across eastern Iowa that have been waiting years for something of that quality to come along. And finally, who’s behind the camera? One can only assume lots and lots of white women.

All we can do now is sit back and anxiously await this situation to be “handled internally”. After all, most of these guys are starters.

Keeping Up With WRNL

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