Iowa City Crack Down

Don’t look now, but tailgating in Iowa City just got shittier.  Kinnick Stadium, where our mouth-breathing eastern rivals play on Saturdays, has long been known as a below average tailgating venue.  The obvious joke here is because its full of hawkeyes – but I’m not going down that easy (that’s what she said).

No, instead Iowa City tailgating sucks mostly because of the geography – or lack of it.  Undersized parking lots separated by residential housing paired with the heavy roadway congestion make finding and getting to your tailgate a confusing and irritating pain-in-the-ass.  Couple that with the on-field successes of Kirk Ferentz coached teams, which have dulled the tailgating abilities of an already dimwitted fanbase and the irrational 11AM start times for every game and you have disaster.  Tailgating in Iowa City is an affront to the word tailgate.  It sucks massive, cancerous balls – and this is without me reminding you that there are throngs of hawkeye fans everywhere too.  It’s fucking rough.

Who knew Stanzi rocked tighty-whiteys?

Regardless, tailgating has the cockroachesque ability to survive in even the most uninhabitable of environments.  Hawkeye fans do their best to entertain themselves with the standard variety of food, booze, loud music and game-playing that exist at any tailgate across the nation.  Soulless and depressing as their version of a tailgate may be – they power through.

However this weekend hawk fans were greeted by the new Iowa City police department.  No longer will police stand for people “playing games“, “listening to loud music”, or “carrying purses”.  These types of egregious offense will be dealt with swiftly – the perps will receive a costly ticket and possibly the butt of a pistol at the discretion of the officers. 

Iowa City and University officials announced this crackdown to clean up an image ironically mostly tarnished by the same football team the tailgate is for.  However the severity of the enforcement has hawkeye fans in uproar. 

Iowa City - almost as gay as this tat ... almost

Whole trailer parks were abandoned as loved ones awaited court dates and the few literate hawk fans stormed their message boards to voice their anger.  Check here for names of those relatives you only know from their Christmas cards.

As fellow tailgate affectionatos, WRNL was torn between deep belly laughter and empathy to a tradition spoiled.  However, when we heard people were being denied the ability to play Flippy Cup and Beer Pong … well that shit is just wrong.  Way to fuck it up Iowa City – your quest for #1 gayest city in the nation is now complete, congrats I guess.

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10 Responses to Iowa City Crack Down

  1. ShadasRevenge says:

    And yet, there will be 20000 of you asshats that make the trip this weekend.

    • I am a Cyentist says:

      I think the combination of “Iowa City” and “Crack” in the same sentence has brought out the twat-waffles.

  2. tongue-jacking shadas wife's shitbox says:

    Too bad you wont be at kinnick, thh, shada, or whatever you call yourself. Christ, this dude’s cyclone obsession is so passionate that he has to comment on wrnl posts after getting banned from cyclone fanatic.

  3. Lightspeed says:

    Welcome to Iowa City. No Parking

  4. cyclowns suck dick says:

    this site sucks balls and the clowns are faggots

    • CYphyllis says:

      Well stated, good sir.

      I’m sure the residents of the area are happy though, they have to be getting tired of all the idiot white trash dragging their knuckles across their lawns as they trespass through. I understand the pavement of the sidewalk takes the skin off, but maybe you all should start putting some money away so you can possibly afford a pair of gloves in the next 2-3 months.

    • I am a Cyentist says:

      Juvenile, homophobic AND unoriginal? Congratulations buddy, you pulled off the Hawkeye trifecta!

  5. tongue-jacking shadas wife's shitbox says:

    Im glad the Hawk fan base is so articulate and thoughtful. gentlemen and scholars, all of them. witty too. “cyclowns”. how ever can we live with ourselves?

  6. Swampfox says:

    It’s been rumored that Ricky “American Hero” Stanzi wears jean shorts under his football pants.

    *the above picture clarifies

  7. cyclone stuck in hiccupville says:

    I graduated once from Iowa state and am now at Iowa for a second degree (another story for another time). If you want the team that looks at this game like its “superbowl” look no furnther than the hawkeyes. While I can write pages on why ISU is better than Iowa, this is one that baffles me to no end. Every year all every hawkeye says is how this is Iowa State’s super bowl when their student alumni association is printing off beat state shirts and they have the whole week of events dedicated to the game. So who thinks this is the superbowl?

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