I’m Derek and I can sing hiiiiiiigh

We got nothing ISU related for your weekend and typing is hard so here’s something funny to hold you over.

Celebrities Should Be Playing Sports Instead of Doing Whatever It Is They Do

WRNL receives loads of emails and comments from our readers every day. Most are either hate mail, notices of copyright infringement, and/or sexual advances. But every now and again a loyal reader submits to us a piece of their own that they deem worthy of gracing the pages of Wide Right Natty Lite. This is one of those submissions. Thank you miley CYrus for supporting WRNL and putting off your Emma Goldman Clinic visit for a couple of hours in order to write us a little somethin’ somethin’.

"Poke-her-face?” yea, were talking about a penis

Lady gaga – soccer: Although lady gaga has no doubt become a pop icon in the last few years, the speculation regarding her genitalia has been a bigger controversy than her crazy outfits. With that said, for the sake of this article we will assume she has a small, but nonetheless present, fully functioning penis. Having a small penis makes her quicker on the field since she doesn’t have to deal with the chaffing problem that most Europeans have to deal with, save the foreskin debate for another day. Another factor in her corner that makes her a good candidate for any soccer team is that she happens to be smaller than almost every player of Latin decent. Her small stature makes her aerodynamic, shifty, and difficult to catch with an unexpected head butt. She could definitely hang with the boys, in more ways than one.

Réflexions D’un Fou – Part Un

Editor’s Note: This is a new series featuring our resident half-competent 27 year old senile person. When we aren’t making him do tricks for food, or shooting him with paintball guns for amusement, he spends his time chained up in the basement with his 13 inch tube TV, an Apple IIGS (he loves his Oregon Trail), and his thoughts. We present his chronicles to our readers here. Actual sports content will vary, but we promise the mental capacity of the writer will remain constant. The articles will appear unedited (to prove that the American education system is awesome) and continue for as long as LeCrazy is mentally capable, or sees a shiny red ball and chases it across a street, resulting in getting hit by a car.

Hello All,

My Name is LeCrazy. If your wondering if its French you would be wrong. I actually hate the French (but thats for another day), I just thought adding Le to my name would be sexy.

This is my virgin article to WRNL so bare with me. I live a totally unjust double standard of a life, and my main goal is to show you that through my writtings. My sole existence is based on the presumption of “Do what I say and not what I do”. Is it wrong or is it right? Frankly I couldn’t give two shits less, it is what it is. This will be like a personal diarreaha for me err I mean diary. You will find out what makes me tick and why everyone thinks Im an asshole.

I digress, I am pissed off this week about the weather, it is hotter than a fat girls moose knuckle in spandex, I mean can that thing really breathe in there? Other than that I am just generally disgruntled. My life sucks, I still live in an apartment in Ames, rely on my wife to dress me and wipe my ass(yes I am a grown man). But it could be worse I could live in Manhattan, Lawrence, Lubbock, or whatever the fucking town Baylor is in.

The Hills: Best watched on mute, unless your name is LeCrazy

I will blog or bitch about my feelings on the Big 12, the Big Ten, and my other random interests such as MTV’s The Hills, yes I watch the Hills. Trust me I will also make my feelings known on the Hawkeyes in due time. I will also give you my thoughts on the state of college atheletics when I get around to it. All in all, I will rant and rave about anything college sports related or rivalry related. And if I get bored you will just read about what I feel like bitching about.

How Many Underage Hawkeyes Can You Find In This Picture?

Congratulations to those of you who guessed 2! We’re looking at you Mr. Starting Running back with the Mardi Gras bling and dude who no one knows in the back asking for this pic to be kept on the down low… Hampton and Griggs are both underage. Something tells me that that’s not a miniature bowling game set up on the table, nor are they there to collect cans in order to donate the deposit refund to local children’s charities. It’s almost like someone said “lets get the underage boy up front, we want to make sure we get him in the photo right up next to all the booze and our sweet pong table”. I suppose the situation could be worse though, we here at WRNL have it on good authority that no cab drivers were harmed on this particular evening. So that’s a plus!

if they were only natty lights, they very well could have inspired a website one day!

Oh Hawkeyes, has Larry Eustachy taught you nothing? LE rule #1: You don’t allow pictures of yourself drinking alcohol to hit the internet. We all know how well that one turns out!

This photo does bring about a few questions though… whose idea was it to oil each other down and take drunken pictures around the pong table? My best guess would be Bernstine and Hampton, since Robinson appears to be pointing at the men that oiled him. It appears that he is also reacting to Marvin busting a “McNutt” all over his lower back, but one can only speculate. Secondly, where did Jewel get that sweet jailhouse Hawkeye tat? There are overweight women’s breasts in trailer parks all across eastern Iowa that have been waiting years for something of that quality to come along. And finally, who’s behind the camera? One can only assume lots and lots of white women.

All we can do now is sit back and anxiously await this situation to be “handled internally”. After all, most of these guys are starters.

Ragbrai

just under 500,000 people bike the course each year

RAGBRAI

RAGBRAI is the popular acronym for the Really Awesomely Gay Bike Ride Across Iowa.  It is the oldest and largest organized ride across any of states in the union.  The ride consists of 10,000+ cyclists making their way across Iowa over the course of a week.  Support, vendors, and general partiers makeup another 10,000 that make it a small town moving 70 miles a day slowly through the corn fields.

Anyone who’s been on the ride can tell you of its greatness.  Basically you bike until your backside feels like you served a term in federal prison, then you drink, eat, jello wrestle, slip & slide and pass out somewhere.  Between 6-8 AM the next day you wake up do it all over again.

As the WRNL embedded reporter, I will be riding 4 days this year to report back on the carnage – unless I forget to write about it. Know kind reader, as I slowly pull the spandex over my 300 lbs body, skimming by the layers butt cream and icy hot slathered over my hair covered backside – I’m thinking of you.

It’s Monday – who needs a beer!

Bring the wife along on a tandem.

taste my pain!

Entering The Field of Play

A fan ran on to the field Thursday night at Camden yards in Baltimore Maryland, however to the disappointment of most in attendance the rowdy teen escaped without taking a tazer to the face or even suffering any broken bones. Disappointing, I know. In fact ballpark security appeared to do almost nothing to stop the intruder from marauding around. This style of handling drunken fans coming out of the stands is largely unpopuler compared to the way things are handled in Philadelphia.

This unfortunate missed opportunity for a drunken bafoon to suffer severe spinal injuries or internal bleeding on the field brings about a question we would like to ask you, our readers.

Sims’ Top 10 Reasons

He will protect this house. Your credit score, on the other hand...notsomuch.

Iowa State decorated defensive back David Sims is currently a “person of interest” in a credit card fraud investigation.  We at WRNL believe Sims will eventually be cleared of any charges (no pun intended), but if he really did make purchases on a credit card that wasn’t his, we’ve come up with some plausible reasons as to why…

 

 

Top 10 List – He most likely did nothing wrong, but if he did it was probably because …

1 ) He needed to restock the homeless shelter food supplies before winter.

2 ) Like this clueless chick, he was not aware that texting donations to the Haiti relief fund actually showed up on his bill.

3 ) The credit card actually belonged to King Richard and he was only using it to feed and clothe the children of Sherwood Forest.

Know Your Enemy Part 10: University of Kansas

Welcome to the 10th part in WRNL’s weekly preview of an Iowa State opponent

STADIUM: Now, those of you who read regularly will remember that our IT guy fucked up the week we previewed OU and gave us a picture of KU’s Memorial Stadium, because all of these damn Memorial Stadiums are so hard to keep straight.

Yes, angry Kansas fans. We know this is in Oklahoma. We already put your stupid stadium in the wrong preview, so please, bear with us.

Located in lovely Lawerence, KS, Kansas Memorial Stadium features all kinds of amenities such as no place to park, and a track.  For years, it was Duke North, a barren football wasteland, kept in operation solely on the back of basketball success.  Then a corpulent Italian with a penchant for verbal abuse and profanity spurred unprecedented success, actually winning a BCS bowl.  Of course, KU rewarded him in the most logical way possible:  by canning his ass and hiring an unproven choir boy.  Now things in Lawrence are back to normal, as most people have forgot that there are sports played between April and November.  Of course, after UNI won the ESPY for “Biggest Upset”, they’ve been trying to forget about that other sport, too.

MASCOT: Like Nebraska, KU has two mascots Big Jay and Little Jay.  Now, KU’s mascots don’t look like pedophiles, or shower rapists, but they definitely suck.  And that’s an insult to meth addled lot lizards up and down I-70.  In what has become a terrible Kansan mascot trend, they put an animal’s head on top of someone dressed like a football player.

Little Jay is actually Sherron Collins's ex, who has been placed in the Witness Protection Program.

To KU’s credit, they at least made a half assed attempt to make it look more bird like, with those shitty excuses for wings being sown on the arm.  Also, Big Jay’s facial expressions are particularly troubling.  What is he worried about?  Does he have a massive duker that’s been turtle heading for the last three hours?  Did Turner Gill catch him swearing?  Is Little Jay “late”?  The world may never know…

TEAM: With Mangino out the door, for basically acting like every coach I ever had in my life, there’s a new sheriff in town.  And he’s bringing his cuss jar.  No longer will KU players be able to respond to such despondent situations as the loss of Todd Reesing, Des Briscoe, Kerry Meier (and everyone else worth a damn on their team) with Eric Cartman-esque stream-of-consciousness profanity.  No longer will “tampon dick shit” be an acceptable phrase at KU football practices.  No, now KU players will be shining examples of moral fiber and clean language.

Now, this doesn’t mean Turner Gill is afraid to get stern with his players.  WRNL has stumbled across this exclusive gif file that clearly demonstrates Gill’s favorite form of discipline:

So please, KU players:  think of Charlie Murphy’s couch the next time you feel the need to drop an “F” bomb.

AGAINST ISU: So these shit heads have been a giant thorn in our side for something like 5 years in a row.  Fun fact:  2 of these losses have contributed to the name of this website!  Regardless, with absolutely no player of consequence, or the foul mouthed linguine eating tyrant who made this hell hole competitive returning, the Clones should get some well deserved revenge against the Jayhawks.  Yes, the Jayhawks may have a long running streak of “scoreboard”, but  they still have the worst chant in the history of college sports.