Summer Sports – Episode 2

Well folks, summertime is finally here. Finals week is over, college students have meandered out to a quiet life of working to pay for tuition (or in my case) to have enough money for alcohol for the fall.

Summertime also brings on what I like to call sports hell. The NCAA tournament is over, baseball is in miles 7-16 of its marathon season, there’s no football action at any level – outside some message board asshole starting a daily thread about [that which shall not be spoken] and the NBA is keeping ESPN afloat with Month 8 of the playoffs.

Flipping through the channels, however, I was shocked to discover that – holy shit – there are actually sports going on in the summer. Since there’s a long way to go until fall semester starts and NFL training camp kicks off in late July, I figured I’d spend some time “analyzing” these mysterious sports – particularly from the perspective of someone watching the sport.

Part 2 – Track and Field

Happy Memorial Day, readers!  Make sure to take the time to thank a veteran today!

This week’s topic is one of the oldest sports in existence, but first, an update on last week’s topic – Brett Favre-a-thon.

As luck would have had it, on the day I posted the article, Brett underwent ankle surgery that would “put him on schedule to report to training camp” given four to six weeks of rehab. Note the words, “training camp” in that statement. The timing of the surgery puts Favre on course for a return sometime between June 18 and July 2. According to the Vikings off-season schedule, that means he gets to miss all of the OTA’s AND the mandatory mini-camp, allowing him to only show up for training camp at July 27, play some preseason ball, and kick off the season. Not shocking for the man who hated working out in the off-season so much he conned the Packers into excusing him from OTA’s and Minicamps most years…

On to this week’s topic.

KU Ticket Scandal – Totally Justified?

Mangino nom noms?

The University of Kansas Athletic Department is under fire for an oversight that allowed former staffers to scalp over 1 million dollars worth of basketball and football tickets. First off, we’re estimating that to be about 2 million dollars worth of basketball tickets and a million lost on football tickets. People actually go to KU football games? They went to the Orange Bowl in 2008 and still I don’t think anyone gives a shit about the football program. The only thing people noticed was that Mangino was wider than Obie, the Orange Bowl mascot.

According to a Yahoo! sports report: “It’s not easy to learn that people you trusted let you down,” athletic director Lew Perkins said. “We thought we had just about every safeguard in place. Nobody picked up on it. I certainly didn’t. It caught me totally off-guard. There was a curveball thrown and I didn’t see it. I missed it. It got by me.”

Lew, it’s OK. You don’t have to lie to us. You were likely involved and took in profits for the athletic department. He really should just admit to it and the NCAA would forgive him. In all honesty, who can even blame the guy? The athletic department really needs the money! Just look at the expenses they’ve incurred over the past 5 years:

Uncovering Ralphie’s Secret Love Triangle

When I was asked to research the rumored relationship between Colorado’s beloved mascot Ralphie and macho bull ‘Bevo’ from Texas I was giddy with delight.  The chance to not only talk with both of the historic live mascots but also discover the storied past between the two was a welcomed opportunity.  While many would consider both of them fearsome creatures, once you get to know them (especially Ralphie) they are rather gentle and loving.

Being that there are only two live mascots residing in the Big Twelve it was only natural for the two to hook up and see where things went.  It all started one lonely night in the stables 9 years ago where each found themselves entertaining the other during a torrential yet soothing thunderstorm.  It began as nothing more than a friendship; random calls to discuss the day’s events, a beer at the local watering trough, and the occasional graze at dusk to catch the sunset.  It didn’t take long, however, for things to grow intimate.

Movie Remake Fever!

Brokeback Persian?

As we get closer to summer, it signifies the end of watchable sports and the onset of summer movie fever. This year, with movies like the Karate Kid remake coming out featuring Will Smith’s kid (even though it was already halfway offensive to Asians such as myself due to it starring Ralph freaking Macchio), and Prince of Persia, with Jake “I’m most famous for being a gay WHITE cowboy” Gyllenhall playing a Persian prince, it seems Hollywood has gone completely mad. I mean, last year, they made some white guy play Goku in Dragonball Z. You might as well have had Wesley Snipes play George W. Bush in a movie. Since remakes are all the rage, we WRNLers have a couple of suggestions for the Hollywood bigwigs.

WRNL Sits Down With Hawkeye Basketball Coach Fran McCaffery

WRNL was able to secure an exclusive interview with new Iowa Basketball coach Fran McCaffery. We asked him all the hard hitting questions regarding turning around their program and what he thinks of the recently appointed Cyclone coach Fred Hoiberg. Take a few minutes to read this unedited and uncompromising interview
:

 

Pregame shootaround at Carver? Nope - A Real Game!

WRNL:  Welcome Coach McCaffery, thanks for taking the time for us.
Fran:  Anything for a news organization of your stature.
WRNL:  So … Fran … that’s a funny name. I suppose if you were a girl your parents would’ve named you Fred?
Fran: Funny.
WRNL: Was their second choice ‘Dorothy’?
Fran: (silence)
WRNL: Rebecca?
Fran: (long pause) … lots of guys are named Fran.
WRNL:  Name 3
Fran:  Myself, Fran Tarkenton, Fran Musial.
WRNL:  Ummm, that’s Stan Musial.

WRNL’s Top 10 Ugliest Athletes

While we WRNLers are by no means a good looking bunch… there are certain athletes out there that make us hate our parents’ genes just a little bit less. Without further ado, The Inaugural (2010) Edition of WRNL’s Top 10 Ugliest Athletes and their lookalikes:

Papi's looks are less than "Dynomite"

10. Big Papi/Esther Rolle – Starting out our top ten is David Ortiz. If he were here to defend himself Ortiz would likely tell you, “I an no ugly. You am one who makes the ugly, not a the me. I an Big Papi”.  Yea, I don’t really know what he’s saying either. At least with Ozzie Guillen I can make out “Fuck” a dozen times or so. Papi doesn’t necessarily crack our top ten based on solely his own merit. He gives the assist to Esther Rolle, or Florida Evans as she was known on the 70’s sitcom “Good Times”. Papi’s striking resemblance to the aforementioned meat wad of a woman has snuck him in the backdoor of our top 10. And Papi knows a thing or two about back doors. After all, he’s currently getting bent over by rapper Jay-Z for attempting to steal the name of his nightclubs.

Rag Does it Again

According to the Des Moines Register, Paul Gray is still alive - having died from nothing. Top notch journalism in our opinion. In all seriousness, the maggots at WRNL wish that were true.

LaRon Is LaGetting LaHell Out of ISU

If you haven’t heard yet, LaRon Dendy has just announced he is leaving to transfer to a new school. This news seems very odd considering his positive comments when Fred Hoiberg was hired. Many have speculated that he was unlikely to return, due to the fact that apparently Troy Davis was his tutor… but we decided to use our sources to find the reasons behind this somewhat stunning departure.

UF Jersey Chasers - How Did Tebow Stay a Virgin Again?

Hoiberg Stole His Groupies – Dendy has somewhat of an ego, and likes the groupies that follow him. However, as we previously detailed, Fred Hoiberg’s ridiculous sex appeal has caused the entire groupie community to ignore the likes of LaRon and Diante Garrett. We spoke to Ashley Smith, junior in HRI (and jersey chasing), who told us that while “Coach McDermott had no problem playing wingman for his players, Coach Hoiberg is too busy hearing the THWUNK of soaking wet panties hitting the floor to give a shit what his players want.”

Food – As a fried chicken connoisseur myself, KFC just doesn’t cut it when you compare it to Zaxbys and Bojangles in the south. Coach McDermott granted LaRon an exemption from certain practices to run down to Des Moines and grab Popeyes as a compromise, but we are told that Coach Hoiberg has taken that option off the table.

Didn’t Like Expanded Role – This one we went straight to the source for. When asked, LR answered: “What the hell is wrong with this Mayor guy? I just want to play 6th or 7th man role on a D1 basketball team and pick up pussy along the way. Now Coach tells me I gotta start? That’s bullshit. Fuck that noise. I’m gonna go see if UNC will let me be their 13th man.”