Beebe's Got Vuvuzela Fever!
Dallas, TX – In the wake of the Big 12 meetings last Monday, commissioner Dan Beebe announced a set of rule changes that were made to give the new Big 12/10 a unique twist in the effort to draw a bigger television deal. Most of these changes were put forth due to Beebe’s personal (and somewhat perplexing) passion for World Cup futbol. Beebe was also quoted as saying his “World Cup buildup fever” was what caused him to act like a complete pile of shit for most of the conference realignment phase.
1. The Big 12 has decided to hire World Cup officiating crew to replace the current Big 12 crew. The biggest development to come out of this is the announcement that Koman Coulibaly will be working all Nebraska and Colorado games in 2010. His
bribe salary will be paid by the money that those two schools will give up in their breach of contract clause. Beebe cited Coulibaly’s “total comfort level in taking money to blatantly screw over the team that we choose” as the primary reason for this decision.
2. Stoppage time. An expansion of current rules. As you may recall, Texas was infamously given extra time in the Big 12 Championship Game last year to avoid an
embarrassing hard-fought defeat at the hands of Nebraska. The rules states that “If Texas, Texas A&M, or OU is losing in the final 2 minutes, stoppage time will be added to give those teams additional chances to score.” It has yet to be decided how this rule will be applied to games involving two of the above schools, but the leading solution in the clubhouse is an old fashioned duel between head coaches. No ambushes from the Sooner Schooner will be allowed.
3. Personal Fouls replaced by card system. Due to the fact that certain stadiums in the Big 12 somehow still don’t have HD cameras, ADs voted in favor of the change as cards are easier to see on low def than “confusing hand signals”.
4. To embrace the “foot” part of football, extra points now worth 2, Field Goals worth 5. ISU strongly considering leaving for the Big Sky conference, as “Wide Right II through XXIII” seems likely in the future.
5. Vuvuzela use approved for Big 12 stadiums, but only on game days where the visiting school name ends with “-aska” or “-rado”.
Coincidentally, the meeting was adjourned early due to many ADs complaining of headaches from the mind numbing vuvuzela demonstration to demonstrate the proper application of rule change #5.