Cougil To Join Biggest Loser

At drive thru a 6'9" center from Sioux City

Brennan Cougil announced today that he will be attending  Kirkwood Community College  starting in fall of 2010.  Cougil a 6’9 250 310 forward from Sioux City, IA recently met the qualifications for Kirkwood Community College by failing out of the University of Iowa.  Cougil who had to get in an “A” in a 3 week summer art class failed to stay inside the lines of his coloring book and received a “B” (we should note he did receive a gold star)  

Cougil now will join his Kirkwood peers by taking the introductory courses: Fast Foods 101 and Meat Packing 101, which Cougil should excel at because dude did live in Iowa City and he knows the Taco Bell menu by memory.

LeBron Finally Makes a Decision!

Bergstrom Indoor Facility, 6/29/10

Media walking around the Bergstrom indoor training facility Tuesday were surprised to find a unrecognized athlete on the field laughing it up with quarterback Austen Arnaud. Observers noted that the previously unseen team member bore a striking resemblance to notable NBA free agent LeBron James. When approached, the new #7 confirmed that he was in fact, Lebron James, and released the following statement:

“I’d like to announce that I am foregoing NBA free agency and taking a break from basketball. This whole being pursued thing is getting old. James Dolan from the Knicks called me so many times that I got 3 new numbers, and yet he still found each new one. I would like to follow in Michael Jordan’s footsteps and take a couple of years off and try a new sport.

“Various coaches have been in contact with me, but when coach Paul Rhoads called with an offer to play both ways as a linebacker and tight end for the Iowa State football team, I realized it was the perfect opportunity for me. I missed the whole college experience and this is a way for me to enjoy college while dishing out some punishment, which is appealing after having so many NBA players hack the living crap out of me. Coach Rhoads says that he will utilize a new play called “just throw the ball to Bron Bron” to help with my dislike of learning the playbook. On defense I will have no defensive responsibilities except as the rover, running around and hitting whoever has the ball.

“My entourage told me that I’d probably find Ames boring, but then again, I’m from Cleveland. Iowa rivers may flood often, but at least they aren’t so polluted all the fish have aids. Craig Brackins also called me and told me that Ames had the hottest college chicks between the Mississippi and Missouri rivers. Not saying I’m going to do anything about it, because I’m the cleanest NBAer this side of Shane Battier, but some nice scenery ain’t bad at all. In fact, I’m already planning to bring the computer engineering department into my entourage so I can dump these girls on them so that they actually get some contact with females before they graduate.

“I filled my paperwork for admission last week with Iowa State and they accepted me this morning. I look forward to many field goal post dunks after touchdowns this season. Ames had a Mayor already, now it has a King!”

Big XII vs. NBA Free Agency: A Critical Comparison

With the LeBron sweepstatkes NBA Free Agency opening up tomorrow, we felt it was appropriate to look at how our beloved Big XII schools relate to some of the biggest NBA free agents that will be signed at 12:01 AM on July 1st after their obvious first second third fourth contact with an interested team.

Baylor = Rasho Nesterovic. Who? No one loves you, and neither do I.

Colorado = Jermaine O’Neal. You had your day in the sun but unbecoming acts (Colorado and their sex parties, O’Neal and his fists) rendered you irrelevant. Your former conference/team will be happy to get rid of you because of your pitiful results.

Iowa State = Tracy McGrady. Talented in some areas, pitiful in others. You have shown brief flashes of brilliance (2005 ISU football, McGrady circa 2001) but could never get over the hump, and have now slid in to the far reaches of relevancy.

Kansas = Dirk Nowitzki.  You’re white and pretty good at basketball.  You both have your fair share of disappointments, whether it be losing as a #1 seed to Golden State or…. Losing as a #1 seed to UNI.

Summer Sports – Episode 3

Well folks, summertime is finally here. Finals week is over, college students have meandered out to a quiet life of working to pay for tuition (or in my case) to have enough money for alcohol for the fall.

Summertime also brings on what I like to call sports hell. The NCAA tournament is over, baseball is in miles 7-16 of its marathon season, there’s no football action at any level, especially now that the expansion talk has ended (with ISU holding its spot in a BCS conference, fuck yeah!)

Flipping through the channels, however, I was shocked to discover that – holy shit – there are actually sports going on in the summer. Since there’s a long way to go until fall semester starts and NFL training camp kicks off in late July, I figured I’d spend some time “analyzing” these mysterious sports – particularly from the perspective of someone watching the sport.

You can catch up with this series with Part 1 and Part 2

Part 3 – Tennis

WRNL: Know Your Cyclones

With football season upon us, we here at WRNL decided to take a closer, objective, look at the Iowa State football roster.  We’ll be breaking down the roster in true WRNL fashion.  First up: Michael Romey.

Michael Romey, aka "Mr. Rye"

Michael Romey was a highly recruited player out of high school (Carroll-Kuemper Catholic) and raised in nearby Templeton, IA.  Romey is listed as a punter but don’t let the roster fool you, these Carroll County folks are sneaky.  Let’s not forget their most infamous resident Lois Feldman: who went bottoms up in the Metrodome Bathroom .  Romey, a redshirt Junior  majoring in Mechanical Engineering, is also a 4th generation masher of the finest whiskey in the Midwest: Templeton Rye.   A little background for you on Templeton Rye as told to WRNL by Uncle Clifford Romey III: apparently the Templeton Rye corporation name and trademark were STOLEN according to Clifford (read: went inactive) and re-trademarked by another Iowa family.  He  states that there is still a bitter family feud going on to this day for the stealing — or what Clifford Romey III called “a complete dick move” (and legal) — for claiming the rights to Templeton Rye.  (***Editor’s note: this guy was wasted so he probably wasn’t Uncle Romey III; he also claimed to be Hayden Fry’s gay lover, but we felt we should double-check so we googled it. Turns out it was on the internet, so it must be true on both accounts. Don’t worry, Mike, everyone has a gay uncle***)

Big 12 Enacts World Cup Inspired Rule Changes

Beebe's Got Vuvuzela Fever!

Dallas, TX – In the wake of the Big 12 meetings last Monday, commissioner Dan Beebe announced a set of rule changes that were made to give the new Big 12/10 a unique twist in the effort to draw a bigger television deal. Most of these changes were put forth due to Beebe’s personal (and somewhat perplexing) passion for World Cup futbol. Beebe was also quoted as saying his “World Cup buildup fever” was what caused him to act like a complete pile of shit for most of the conference realignment phase.

1. The Big 12 has decided to hire World Cup officiating crew to replace the current Big 12 crew. The biggest development to come out of this is the announcement that Koman Coulibaly will be working all Nebraska and Colorado games in 2010. His bribe salary will be paid by the money that those two schools will give up in their breach of contract clause. Beebe cited Coulibaly’s “total comfort level in taking money to blatantly screw over the team that we choose” as the primary reason for this decision.

2. Stoppage time. An expansion of current rules. As you may recall, Texas was infamously given extra time in the Big 12 Championship Game last year to avoid an embarrassing hard-fought defeat at the hands of Nebraska. The rules states that “If Texas, Texas A&M, or OU is losing in the final 2 minutes, stoppage time will be added to give those teams additional chances to score.” It has yet to be decided how this rule will be applied to games involving two of the above schools, but the leading solution in the clubhouse is an old fashioned duel between head coaches. No ambushes from the Sooner Schooner will be allowed.

3. Personal Fouls replaced by card system. Due to the fact that certain stadiums in the Big 12 somehow still don’t have HD cameras, ADs voted in favor of the change as cards are easier to see on low def than “confusing hand signals”.

4. To embrace the “foot” part of football, extra points now worth 2, Field Goals worth 5. ISU strongly considering leaving for the Big Sky conference, as “Wide Right II through XXIII” seems likely in the future.

5. Vuvuzela use approved for Big 12 stadiums, but only on game days where the visiting school name ends with “-aska” or “-rado”.

Coincidentally, the meeting was adjourned early due to many ADs complaining of headaches from the mind numbing vuvuzela demonstration to demonstrate the proper application of rule change #5.

Argentine vs. Camera: Round 1… FIGHT!

Gabriel Heinze doesn’t like the spotlight, I guess. I’m still more shocked that he didn’t take the dive to try and draw the red card on the camera man.

Exclusive: Interview with the Queen

WRNL has uncovered yet another exclusive interview, this time featuring the queen of England. Who knew she had a hand in the pants of the big XII?