Tailgate Preview – Huskie Week

is that a bike cop?

For every home game of the 2010 ISU football season WRNL is going to bring you a “Tailgate Preview”.  We’ll focus very little on the opponent or football in general and turn our efforts instead to how to get the most out of your tailgate experience.  Remember the WRNL tailgate meets in lot G7 this year  

Ah, the tailgate, a preparation of the mind, body and soul for the receiving of the gift of football.  Any football fan worth their well-worn team jersey knows that the gameday experience is incomplete without the feasting, drinking and camaraderie of the tailgate event.  In this recurring article we’ll highlight a drink, a dish, and something to keep you busy between sips. 

 

 

Drink 

For tailgating purposes imagine this without the lime, the straw and probably the ice ... and in a plastic cup. perfect.

The opening game is a Thursday night game.  For those of us who came prepared, this is no big deal; we’ve already taken Friday off as well – making it a 5 day weekend – time to get fucked up.  For you other poor bastards you might want to take it easy on the booze – you gotta work in the morning.  

For this opening feature we wanted to go with something a little classier yet simple enough to not intimidate the less experienced drinker: The Seven & Seven.  Like the Rum & Coke the Seven & Seven is the perfect drink for the memory impaired and mixing challenged.  Half Seagram’s 7 whiskey and half 7-Up, that’s it, try not to fuck it up. 

For the college kids, you can use any type of lemon-lime soda, so go get yourself that 3-liter from Sam’s Club, you deserve it.  You could probably use just about any whiskey you wanted to as well, this isn’t exactly rocket science. 

For our more mature readers – it is rocket science.  Seagram’s and 7-Up.  Those are your options.  

  

Food 

who couldn't love these little guys

Evening games tend to overflow with culinary masterpieces.  With grill masters not in any particular hurry the food can be more complex and multifaceted.  To that end we present to you The Turtle Bacon Burger.  Three types of meat (maybe more depending on how cheap of hotdogs you buy) brought together and formed in the shape of a turtle.  That’s the definition of Win. 

The bacon weave reminiscent of the Bacon Explosion that took the internet by storm last year. And even the most artistically challenged grillers should be able to form the turtle head (not the poop kind) and other turtle appendages. Wrap it and grill it. 

The turtles can be served on a plate with a bun – or you can grow a couple ball hairs and eat it on a big knife Crocodile Dundee-style. 

  

  

Competition

drink, flip cup, be hero-worshiped by adoring fans

For NIU week we’re going to highlight the game of Flippy Cup.  Flippy Cup is a team game that can have as many players as there is room on the table.  To begin you drink whatever is in your cup – usually about 1/2 full of beer – then place the cup upside down on the edge of the table with a portion hanging off the edge.  You strike the exposed edge with either your finger or penis and attempt flip the cup upright.  When you succeed the next person on your team attempts to do the same thing until all team member on 1 team have finished.  Winners bask in glory – losing team downs whatever is in the middle, usually a 1/2 – full beer.  Variations abound – but you get the gist of it.  

As with any drinking game put the Seven & Seven down and switch to beer if you want to remember if you won or not.  If you’re male you’re going to want to practice before jumping in a big game.  There is nothing worse than a Flippy Cup teammate that continually slows the team down.  If you’re female – you can choose to practice or wear something skimpy, either one will work.  On a totally unrelated note, any of you ladies want to wash my car?

WRNL Sits Down With Hiawatha Rutland

"Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down"

When the writers at WRNL thought about who we would like our first Cyclone interview to be, it really wasn’t even up for debate… it had to be the one and only Lumas P! We proudly bring you WRNL’s first non-fictional interview, Hiawatha Rutland. We are also extremely proud to say that no chloroform or blackmail was used in obtaining this interview, but don’t think we’re above doing that if it comes down to it.

We present to our readers …(Drum roll)… Hiawatha!

WRNL: What have you been up to since ISU fans last saw you in action?
I have been trying to fix my knee. I do stand up in NYC and I am a high school English teacher. I also flirt with hot babes and they are really impressed that I lived in Iowa for nearly a decade.

We can only assume their impression of life in Iowa goes a little something like this… Ghost ridin’ the whip!

WRNL: Talk about Lumas P.
Lumas P. Simmons is an institution. He is the best rapper of all time. He has since retired. However, he can be spotted from time to time after a few Natty Lights freestyling.

“DPS see my car scared to put a ticket on me. I’m a top priority, and a minority, my pictures on the walls of your girl’s sorority.”

Some of the greatest lyrics ever!

WRNL: What are you working on right now and how can Cyclone fans keep up with you?
I am getting my teaching certification in secondary special ed at City College in NYC. I blog on Facebook every Wednesday. The name of my blog is Hiawatha’s Hump Day Happenings. I talk about stuff that happens during the week and list upcoming shows and pretty much tell people how awesome NYC is. I always try to find a way to shout out the Cyclones as well in my blog whenever possible.

The Headphones Sketch – watch more funny videos

For details on upcoming appearances, shows, and random thoughts you can follow Hiawatha on Myspace and Facebook.

WRNL: What was your best / most memorable moment as a Cyclone?
When I scored my first career touchdown against Florida State University. My grandmother had died that summer. I missed a day of training and I lost my starting job when I was clearly the best RB in the history of the school. I was pissed. I told myself the first time I touch the ball I was going to score. It actually was my third touch but it was sweet as I grew up a Gator fan. I hate FSU they are trying to sue my high school right now for the logo. That logo has been at my high school for thirty years. FSU is so irrelevant they want to come after us after all these years to get some attention. Free Shoe U should go hug a tree.

Seneca was in!

WRNL: What was your favorite team to play against?
I had several. Kansas, Missouri, Nebraska, Troy State (best defense I ever faced) and I loved playing Florida State even though we only played once.

WRNL: Best jersey chaser story that won’t get you time?
Too many. Girls would find my cell phone number and threaten to take me to the abyss if I scored a touchdown. I was afraid of women who knew who I was because I saw many athletes get in trouble. However, a man has needs and I am a man. That will probably get me time but all I have is time. Bring it!

WRNL: If there were no fear of penalty what would be your go to endzone celebration?
I would bring a hot babe onto the field and make out with her and this would be the opening scene to the Jersey Chaser video.

WRNL: What are your impressions of Paul Rhoads and the coaching staff?
I do not do impressions (That was me being funny). I think Coach Rhoads is the perfect man for the job. I wish he was my head coach. He makes his players confident. He makes them proud. He is a tough dude and he has high expectations. As a school teacher, I know the impact of expectations on performance. Students know when I am blowing smoke and I believe and more importantly the players believe that Coach Rhoads knows what he is talking about and cares about their success as men, students, and as a football program……..

Oh no he di'int!

WRNL: What are your expectations for the upcoming season? That’s one tough ass schedule, isn’t it?
Toughest schedule in the nation. I think this is the year we beat a ranked team on the road. Texas or Oklahoma will lose to us this year. I know this. I hope we can make it to another bowl game as I just got a raise and I need somewhere new to spend my extra money. We should be able to contend for the North title and that is what I am looking forward to happening. But a big time program will go down to us this season. You can believe that, sun!

WRNL: Will ISU go bowling again this year?
Yes. The Memorial Union has a great bowling venue. My high score was 189 in 2007.

WRNL: Who’s funnier – you or Paul Shirley? Could you take him?

I am funnier. He is funnier looking. Paul is my good friend. We used to eat dorm food together in Maple Willow Larch dining hall. Now, you want to hear a Jersey Chaser story. We were having lunch or what was supposed to be lunch. Come on man, you have eaten in Larch. This cute little lady comes up to Paul with balloons and a card and asks him if he would take her out for Valentine’s Day. She never introduces herself. Paul choked on his cereal and does not make eye contact and tells this woman to email him. I asked him how does she know your email? He said to me in the coolest voice ever, “I’m sure she knows how to find me.” I was like I want to be Paul Shirley. Girls like guys with the last name of a woman. He taught me how to handle the fame that I would gain later in my career.

WRNL fields a squad of 9 skinny bitches, 1 chic and a big fat dude who overheats easily. You get the ball at the 50, how many seconds does it take you to overpower us and get to the endzone?
This is tough because skinny bitches are my weakness. What are they wearing? Do they know who I am? Are they willing to come to the endzone with me? So many ways to go with this one. But at face value, in my prime with two fully functioning knees I would say 27.32 seconds plus or minus 3

Even with the bad knees, our chances still don’t look very good!

Look for Hiawatha to check back in with WRNL periodically throughout the football season. And if news breaks regarding a local appearance by ISU’s greatest running back, or if Lumas P un-retires from “the game”, Wide Right & Natty Lite will have the inside scoop. Stay tuned!

A Small Part of Me Died Today

Well, yesterday actually when I chose to stop by campus while passing through Ames.

There’s nothing more beautiful than a walk across the campus of Iowa State University. The beautiful landscape, Lancelot and Elaine paddling across Lake Leverne, colorful Autumn trees, and the Campanile. Oh Campaniling, how I miss thee. So many times you helped initiate a simple midnight kiss that would inevitably turn into an awkward sexual encounter. Looking past the medicated shampoos and penicillin shots, these are fond memories that I will certainly forever cherish.

However, an unsettling black cloud has emerged: one that garnishes a small yet functioning penis…

That’s right! Yesterday, “a day that shall live in infamy”, when our precious Campanile struck noon it played to the tune of “Bad Romance” by known skank and master of the hidden genitalia, Lady Gaga. As if the hipsters and flat billed hat wearing toolbags that seem to be popping up everywhere weren’t bad enough, now a once peaceful walk across our beautiful campus has been tarnished by the pitch corrected vocal mind rape that is “Gaga”. Having to suffer through her music at bars and/or when in the presence of a co-ed you’re hoping to seal the deal with is one thing, but to hear it echoing from the very bells that gave us the ode to our alma mater, ughhh!

I wear big glasses to hide my stroke face

However outraged I am by being forced unto diving head first into the bulging crotch of electro-pop while walking the campus yesterday, my abounding love for Iowa State will one day drown out this unfortunate event. But this wound is fresh, and now that abortion of an attempt at music is stuck in my head. Every time I close my eyes I find myself engulfed by a transvestite Mardi Gras of sexual nightmares. Please, make it stop!

Lady Gaga, die in a fire!

Dan Hawkins: The Wind Beneath Greg McDermott’s Wings

Inspired by the recent news of Dan Hawkins asking the University of Colorado Athletic Department for an extension despite going 16-33 over 4 years in the midst of driving the CU football program into the ground, Greg McDermott made a call to Jamie Pollard late Thursday night to request his old job back.

When approached for comment on the validity of the story, McDermott said: “Not only did I request my job back at Iowa State, but I asked that they fire that bum Hoiberg and double my salary. My win percentage at Iowa State is twice Hawkins’ win percentage at CU. If he can ask for an extension, then surely I can ask for a new contract offer and a raise. Iowa State fans think Fred Hoiberg is such a great hire because he got Royce White, Chris Allen, Anthony Booker, and Chris Babb to come to Ames? Did they all forget that I signed LA Pomlee, Clayton Vette, and Wes Eikmeier? Ingrates.”

When reminded that season ticket sales had almost doubled since the arrival of Hoiberg, McDermott commented: “We’ll see what happens when fans realize that Fred Hoiberg won’t be able to match my total of one win over a ranked team in 4 years. That record, as well as the number of transfers out in one season, will be mine forever. Even though I love Creighton and the daily rimjobs they have to give me because my AD couldn’t even get my name correct at my introductory press conference, if Jamie Pollard is smart, he’d do the smart thing and double my salary to come back to Iowa State. I’m a living legend!”

Reports that Jim Walden made a similar request could not be confirmed at this time.

2010 WRNL Cyclone Season Predictions

With temperatures in the mid-50s these last few nights we have finally been given our sign that football is just around the corner. We are only one week away from Iowa State’s 7 PM kickoff against Northern Illinois in Jack Trice Stadium.

We are only a week away from this sweet, sweet image.

Recently we polled the WRNL writers and friends of the site for their predictions on Iowa State’s season and had them go game-by-game to explain how our beloved Cyclones will fare against their opponents this season.

Without further adieu I present to you the WRNL 2010 Cyclone Football Season Predictions.

Know Your Enemy: A Review

This guy would break the Hinrich scale of douchiness

Earlier this week WRNL concluded our Know Your Enemy series, which allowed ISU fans to get a more intimate portrait of the opponents on this year’s football schedule.  The pieces were met with reactions which ranged from rage to condescension, from giggling like a mental patient to outright hatred, and in several cases, to extreme sexual arousal.

We’d like to recap this feature and rate each respective fan base’s reaction on the Hinrich Scale of Douche-Baggery.  The Hinrich Scale is named after former KU basketball star and former ISU verbal commit Kirk Hinrich, after whom the vaginal irrigation device was originally named.  Having grown up in Sioux City, and attending KU, we don’t feel he had much of a chance at a normal life, but that’s irrelevant.

1 Hinrich = Very non-douchey, the highest compliment an opponent can receive

10 Hinrichs = Ashton Kutcher – literally the highest level of douche possible.

Let’s get started!

NORTHERN ILLINOIS [link]
This was our first piece, and was met with a tepid reaction from the NIU fanbase.

Scott asks “Was this written by an 8th grader? We’ll let our football do the talking this fall, like we did in 2003. Enjoy your summer ‘cyclone’ fans.”

Of course, the stupid asshole conveniently forgot the last game that ISU and NIU played,  ISU won.  Generally though, NIU didn’t seem to fuss too much. So we’ll give them a 6 on the Hinrich Scale.

 
 

IOWA [link]
Let’s just get this out of the way.  Iowa is getting a shit-load of Hinrichs.  There probably isn’t a fan base in America with such a bloated sense of entitlement or blatant lack of objectivity regarding themselves.  Hawk fans generally have no concept of the idea of self-deprecating humor and honestly think the rest of the country views them as an elite program.

In a typical show of Hawkeye pride, Hawk4life responded with “Apparently, this statement is true”….it’s ISU’s SuperBowl”! For the LOVE of GOD, it’s only May and you CyClown idiots are already talking about this game, a game by the way, where you will get a beat down by more than 4 TD’s! Enjoy your toilet bowl win last year and call us when you win a bowl game that has some significance!!”

What a brilliant piece of writing. 9 Hinrichs for the Hawks.

 
 

KANSAS STATE [link]
The Wildcats for the most part are good shit.  Bring on the Cats is a funny blog, and I’ve been treated well in the Little Apple.

Gap, a KSU fan who took a few swipes back at the State of Iowa clearly had a sense of humor about the excessive bestiality references and redneck jokes, ending his comments with:  “That being said funny shit, and your blast of KU is awesome as well.” KSU ranks pretty low on the Hinrich Scale, at a 3.

 
 

NORTHERN IOWA [link]
Most UNI fans are just Hawk fans wearing purple for a day, and it showed in their responses.

From poster Iowa State Is A Disgrace, we got this gem:  “wow dude, whoever wrote this article is a complete idiot. The only thing that Iowa State has going for it is wrestling and occasionally volleyball. UNI basketball program takes the cake for the state of Iowa, Iowa takes the cake for football and yes wrestling as Iowa State gets their ass kicked every year by Iowa. If you are so heralding of Iowa State, check this out, UNI has beaten Iowa State 3 out of the last 4 years in basketball. They also have more tournament appearances and conference championships. You should just be praising Texas for keeping the Big 12 together otherwise you would end up in a non BCS conference because no one wants ISU.”

Go fuck yourselves UNI.  9 Hinrichs for the Panthers.

 
 

UTAH [link]
Ah, MORMONS.  Their inability to take a joke made Iowa and UNI look good. Perhaps their angered responses were a reaction to a life without sex and drugs? Either way, the Ute fans threw a gigantic shit fit. Here are some of our personal favorites.

Iowa Ute:  “Nice to see bigotry is alive and well at Iowa State. What a horrible attempt at humor and satire. You should be ashamed/embarrassed.”
The Corporation:  “This isn’t “talking trash.” This is just religious bigotry. Sad, unfunny and very pathetic. No wonder no conference wants your pathetic school and equally pathetic athletic department”.
CYphillis:  “I think it’s time to ease back on the Mormons and give them credit for one of the greatest sexual revolutions ever achieved, the art of soaking: The art of having sex, without thrusting. When a couple “sticks it in” and then leaves it there to “soak.” This has become a common phenomenon with certain groups of Christians (predominantly Mormons) who try to circumvent the law of chastity.“

For the Utes? 10 Acid-tripping Hinrichs having thrust-filled premarital sex with each other

 
 

TEXAS TECH [link]
We don’t think we got a single response from actual Tech fans, although there were several Longhorns who found it hilarious.  We’re going to go ahead and give Tech 5 Hinrichs, based on [WRNL writer] Intoxcycated’s horror stories of road trips to Lubbock (to be fair, if you saw him at a game you would assume he’s a sociopath), as well as horror stories about Lubbock from other Big 12 fanbases.

5 Hinrichs for the Sand Aggies.

 
 

OKLAHOMA [link]
The Sooners were one of our favorite fan bases in all of this.  We BLASTED those guys from everything from Toby Keith to their propensity to cry on National television, and they took it like Jenna Haze does a money shot.

Soonerram said:  “I have to admit – nice slams. Well played. Now go get your effin’ shnebox!”.

Well timed Goodfellas references always earn you points.  2 Hinrichs.

 
 

TEXAS [link]
The Horns were good sports as well.  They were a little more defensive than the Sooners, being quick to point out the George Bush was NOT a Texan, but I think they took it well for the most part.

bury_switzer had this to say:  “Keep up the jokes they are funny at times and I can make fun of myself and my team. You have a great sense of humor which I would expect from a Iowa State fan”

I mean, there’s only so much smack we can throw at Texas. 2 Hinrichs for the Horns.

 
 

NEBRASKA [link]
Just when you thought that the Utes were the biggest bitches on our schedule, Herbie and his merry band of nut-sack ticklers decided to show their true colors.  The retarded comments by Nebraska fans were so numerous, that I feel decorum prohibits listing them here.  (Actually, I’m just lazy, so I’ll link it.)

The Huskers broke totally new ground here, so guess what?  10 Hinrichs for Nebraska.  You hear that Nebraska?  Iowa fans were less douchey! Its like you’re trying to fail.

 
 

KANSAS [link]
Kansas fans don’t even know they have a football team, so they hardly even count.  Regardless, Jayhawk fans are generally tools, as are all KU basketball players, so we obviously have to give them a high ranking on the Hinrich scale.  After all, they DID give us the douchery of Kirk Hinrich.

9 Hinrichs for the Duke Jr.

 
 

COLORADO [link]
Buffalo fans were too busy sparking their bowl to care.

Except for Jerry Rogers, who showed up to provide us with his list of “facts”.  Unfortunately, Mr. Rogers didn’t get the memo that we don’t care about “facts”.  Won’t you be my neighbor?

7 Hinrichs for the Pac-10 bound or then again maybe not, Buffaloes.

 
 

MIZZOU [link]
Missouri fans found many of our other send-ups to be absolutely riotous – providing WRNL with a lot of hits.  They really enjoyed the Nebraska piece, pleasuring themselves throughout the Herbie heckling.  However, with the focus on them, it was quickly obvious Mizzou couldn’t handle being on the receiving end.

Anyone can laugh at someone else, but if you can’t laugh at yourself, you suck.  6 Hinrichs for Mizzou.

Tailgate with WRNL

There's a whole lot of awesome in this picture.

Join WRNL in kicking off the 2010 Cyclone football season in style. We’ll be drinking, grilling, cup-flipping, bag-tossing, and exchanging awkward sexually-charged glances all in the shadow of the Cyclone holy land: Jack Trice Stadium.

Our inaugural tailgate will take place in Lot G7. This is the newer grass lot directly east of the sand volleyball courts, its the creamy filling to the Haunted Forest & Coldwater golf course sandwich action. Find us by asking anyone in a WRNL t-shirt or follow the golden beam of light from the heavens that we’re sure will be illuminating the tailgate in a divine glow.

Bring your friends, specifically the hot female kind, and spend some time with the WRNL as we knock the dust off our tailgates and fire our livers into high gear for the 2010 football season.

Know Your Enemy Part 12: Mizzou

Author’s Note:  due to an extremely busy workload, and vacation, this column has been neglected.  Not to worry Mizzou fans, we haven’t forgotten about you guys!

STADIUM: The Tigers take the field at wait, that’s right, you guessed it, MEMORIAL STADIUM in Columbia, MO.  Thankfully to their credit, Mizzou named the field Faurot Field so people wouldn’t confuse it with the myriad of other Memorial Stadiums around the Big 12.  We can appreciate this slight exercise in creativity.

These guys have looser lips than Lindsay Lohan's crotch!

If you remember from earlier this spring, Mizzou announced to the world that they were actively pursuing membership in the Big 10, thus nearly setting off college football Armageddon.  In an extremely comical turn of events, the Big 10 left Mizzou at the altar, picking those shit heads from Lincoln instead.  Mizzou was basically used like a roofied co-ed at a frat party.   However, we here at ISU are thankful that they couldn’t keep a fucking secret, as those blabbermouths may have accidentally lead to a lesser version of Armageddon.

MASCOT: Missouri’s mascot Truman, is probably the biggest mascot pussy in the Big 12.  While not as intrinsically stupid as Willie the Wildcat, or as creepy as Herby Husker, Truman is clearly confused about his sexuality.

JAZZ HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Most likely named after the flamboyant Truman Capote, Truman the Tiger is often found in the men’s room of Columbia watering holes, tapping his foot under the stalls, Larry Craig style.  We think thus far that his only successful conference hook up was with the Baylor Bear, although we have a strong inkling that Herby Husker went all “Priest on Altar Boy” with Truman when he was a cub.

TEAM: The Tigers return a very good QB in Blaine Gabbert, who had the unenviable task of replacing Chase Daniel.  While Gabbert might actually exceed Daniel’s on-field prowess, he clearly fails to live up to Chase’s undeniable ability to eat his own boogers.

WRNL's Official "Pick of the Week"

While Gabbert clearly has a ways to go in his ability to consume congealed mucus, he’s an effective passer, and the Mizzou offense should be solid once again.  Defensively, the Tigers lose some solid players, but defense hasn’t been their forte anyways.

Donning the head sets is one of the biggest crybaby douche bags in the Big 12, Gary Pinkel.  When he isn’t crying about clearly correct calls (McKenize WAS held on that play)

Hey Gary, do you see that hand grasping that guys jersey? That's what is generally referred to "holding" someone.

, he’s trying his best to look like Bob Stoops.

Not only are you a rip off, but you're ripping off a complete tool. Well done, Pinkel. Well done.

At least we got back to back Visor Fests in the Big 12 title game between ’07 and ’08.

AGAINST ISU: Mizzou gets the unusual distinction for providing both parts of our website title.  Not only did 2 of the choke job Wide Rights come against them, but Mizzou also provided the Natty Light which eventually doomed our beloved Lecherous Larry Eustachy.

READERS: Please pour out a Natty for our fallen homie.

Naturally, our only recourse will be releasing a photoshop of Gary Pinkel and Mike Anderson molesting dogs.  Be careful Mizzou, for revenge is a dish best served cold.