Iowa City Crack Down

Don’t look now, but tailgating in Iowa City just got shittier.  Kinnick Stadium, where our mouth-breathing eastern rivals play on Saturdays, has long been known as a below average tailgating venue.  The obvious joke here is because its full of hawkeyes – but I’m not going down that easy (that’s what she said).

No, instead Iowa City tailgating sucks mostly because of the geography – or lack of it.  Undersized parking lots separated by residential housing paired with the heavy roadway congestion make finding and getting to your tailgate a confusing and irritating pain-in-the-ass.  Couple that with the on-field successes of Kirk Ferentz coached teams, which have dulled the tailgating abilities of an already dimwitted fanbase and the irrational 11AM start times for every game and you have disaster.  Tailgating in Iowa City is an affront to the word tailgate.  It sucks massive, cancerous balls – and this is without me reminding you that there are throngs of hawkeye fans everywhere too.  It’s fucking rough.

Who knew Stanzi rocked tighty-whiteys?

Regardless, tailgating has the cockroachesque ability to survive in even the most uninhabitable of environments.  Hawkeye fans do their best to entertain themselves with the standard variety of food, booze, loud music and game-playing that exist at any tailgate across the nation.  Soulless and depressing as their version of a tailgate may be – they power through.

However this weekend hawk fans were greeted by the new Iowa City police department.  No longer will police stand for people “playing games“, “listening to loud music”, or “carrying purses”.  These types of egregious offense will be dealt with swiftly – the perps will receive a costly ticket and possibly the butt of a pistol at the discretion of the officers. 

Iowa City and University officials announced this crackdown to clean up an image ironically mostly tarnished by the same football team the tailgate is for.  However the severity of the enforcement has hawkeye fans in uproar. 

Iowa City - almost as gay as this tat ... almost

Whole trailer parks were abandoned as loved ones awaited court dates and the few literate hawk fans stormed their message boards to voice their anger.  Check here for names of those relatives you only know from their Christmas cards.

As fellow tailgate affectionatos, WRNL was torn between deep belly laughter and empathy to a tradition spoiled.  However, when we heard people were being denied the ability to play Flippy Cup and Beer Pong … well that shit is just wrong.  Way to fuck it up Iowa City – your quest for #1 gayest city in the nation is now complete, congrats I guess.

Tailgate Recap – Huskie week

Following every WRNL tailgate we’ll bring you extensive coverage of the party for those of you waiting patiently to stroke one out at home. Some names and faces have been changed to protect the innocent … and not so innocent. Our favorite Natty Lite connoisseur has graciously volunteered to stand in for us as disparaging photographs are old news for him. 

CHING!

Noon – Gameday. Five guys tucked unmercifully tight into a Jeep Cherokee yearning to break free from the forced sex pile. The only saving grace is Becki standing tall, half out the sunroof, flashing her cannons for all of those along Lincoln Way. She likes the feel the air between them and trust me – its hard to tear your eyes away. She’s the Medusa of cheap plastic sex toys.  

We arrive at G7 to find a force of 20+ security personnel who apparently were going for a 1 to 1 ratio per tailgating vehicle.  The lot remained locked as they discuss amongst themselves who to call for the key to the gate.  Lined along the roadway uneasy tailgaters anxiously crack beers to calm their nerves, panic seems inevitable.   Mercifully, a disaster is averted as one guard suddenly remembers he has the key in his pocket.   

Its going to be a good day.  

  Tensions now eased, we flood the lot with literally almost a dozen cars (Nebraska game this is not) and obtain our grassy home for the next 6 hours.   

  The Tailgate begins – imagine Christmas, only a lot more beer and you have to sit on the  lap of the guy on the left instead of Santa.  Actually, now that I say that, almost identical to Christmas.  Pictured: Becki enjoyed asking for her presents.  

  A couple members of the WRNL family made the journey to the South side of the stadium to visit the Murph and Andy show.  Listen to them here.  

Drink, flip, celebrate - it seems so simple

Despite the wind and rain, Flippy Cup reigned as the most popular tailgate game as nearly 40 people stretching 3 tables joined in flippy fun.  

In an unexpected turn of events the women of the tailgate were hard-core flippers and made short work of their handsomely hung, but poorly practiced opponents.  Teams were reshuffled several times in a half-assed attempt to hide the failings of the drunk and uncoordinated to little success. 

Somewhere around 5PM Becki tears out her o-ring trying to please her throng of admirers.  Its obvious someones going to need to blow a little air in her deflated body before UNI comes to town.  Volunteers are already lining up. 

See you at the next Tailgate!

More beer, an actual Bacon Explosion is unveiled, someone passes around a 5 gallon jug of Strip ‘n’ go naked … my shirt gets wet. 

The “rusty trombone” is performed on Becki … she has developed man-parts. Old guy next to us has a can-crusher, it is neat. Blonde girl can’t figure out how it works. 

Some chic falls in a puddle, loses shoes in said puddle 

Game starts, guy at gate waves me past as he hits on female who “lost” her ticket.  Gettin chilly out, my man-nipples stiffen. 

Cyclones 27 – Huskies 10.  Nipples are not alone in stiffness. 

Thanks for all who made it out and all who tailgate vicariously through this article – you’re going to want to wipe off your screen now.  See you at the Jack, and more importantly the tailgate lots, for the Panthers in a couple weeks.

WRNL pregames with KXNO

sexually.

Click Here to Listen to Podcast

WRNL contributors Al & Steve were on the Keith & Andy show prior to yesterdays Cyclone victory. Hear what the boys had to say about the Huskies, Big 10 realignment, and why its not safe to stand next to Coach Rhoads’ bus.

Click the KXNO image at the right to listen – starting at minute 37ish

Tailgate Preview – Huskie Week

is that a bike cop?

For every home game of the 2010 ISU football season WRNL is going to bring you a “Tailgate Preview”.  We’ll focus very little on the opponent or football in general and turn our efforts instead to how to get the most out of your tailgate experience.  Remember the WRNL tailgate meets in lot G7 this year  

Ah, the tailgate, a preparation of the mind, body and soul for the receiving of the gift of football.  Any football fan worth their well-worn team jersey knows that the gameday experience is incomplete without the feasting, drinking and camaraderie of the tailgate event.  In this recurring article we’ll highlight a drink, a dish, and something to keep you busy between sips. 

 

 

Drink 

For tailgating purposes imagine this without the lime, the straw and probably the ice ... and in a plastic cup. perfect.

The opening game is a Thursday night game.  For those of us who came prepared, this is no big deal; we’ve already taken Friday off as well – making it a 5 day weekend – time to get fucked up.  For you other poor bastards you might want to take it easy on the booze – you gotta work in the morning.  

For this opening feature we wanted to go with something a little classier yet simple enough to not intimidate the less experienced drinker: The Seven & Seven.  Like the Rum & Coke the Seven & Seven is the perfect drink for the memory impaired and mixing challenged.  Half Seagram’s 7 whiskey and half 7-Up, that’s it, try not to fuck it up. 

For the college kids, you can use any type of lemon-lime soda, so go get yourself that 3-liter from Sam’s Club, you deserve it.  You could probably use just about any whiskey you wanted to as well, this isn’t exactly rocket science. 

For our more mature readers – it is rocket science.  Seagram’s and 7-Up.  Those are your options.  

  

Food 

who couldn't love these little guys

Evening games tend to overflow with culinary masterpieces.  With grill masters not in any particular hurry the food can be more complex and multifaceted.  To that end we present to you The Turtle Bacon Burger.  Three types of meat (maybe more depending on how cheap of hotdogs you buy) brought together and formed in the shape of a turtle.  That’s the definition of Win. 

The bacon weave reminiscent of the Bacon Explosion that took the internet by storm last year. And even the most artistically challenged grillers should be able to form the turtle head (not the poop kind) and other turtle appendages. Wrap it and grill it. 

The turtles can be served on a plate with a bun – or you can grow a couple ball hairs and eat it on a big knife Crocodile Dundee-style. 

  

  

Competition

drink, flip cup, be hero-worshiped by adoring fans

For NIU week we’re going to highlight the game of Flippy Cup.  Flippy Cup is a team game that can have as many players as there is room on the table.  To begin you drink whatever is in your cup – usually about 1/2 full of beer – then place the cup upside down on the edge of the table with a portion hanging off the edge.  You strike the exposed edge with either your finger or penis and attempt flip the cup upright.  When you succeed the next person on your team attempts to do the same thing until all team member on 1 team have finished.  Winners bask in glory – losing team downs whatever is in the middle, usually a 1/2 – full beer.  Variations abound – but you get the gist of it.  

As with any drinking game put the Seven & Seven down and switch to beer if you want to remember if you won or not.  If you’re male you’re going to want to practice before jumping in a big game.  There is nothing worse than a Flippy Cup teammate that continually slows the team down.  If you’re female – you can choose to practice or wear something skimpy, either one will work.  On a totally unrelated note, any of you ladies want to wash my car?

Tailgate with WRNL

There's a whole lot of awesome in this picture.

Join WRNL in kicking off the 2010 Cyclone football season in style. We’ll be drinking, grilling, cup-flipping, bag-tossing, and exchanging awkward sexually-charged glances all in the shadow of the Cyclone holy land: Jack Trice Stadium.

Our inaugural tailgate will take place in Lot G7. This is the newer grass lot directly east of the sand volleyball courts, its the creamy filling to the Haunted Forest & Coldwater golf course sandwich action. Find us by asking anyone in a WRNL t-shirt or follow the golden beam of light from the heavens that we’re sure will be illuminating the tailgate in a divine glow.

Bring your friends, specifically the hot female kind, and spend some time with the WRNL as we knock the dust off our tailgates and fire our livers into high gear for the 2010 football season.

It’s gonna hurt deep

Vacation Day – Sept 2nd

Only 2 weeks left, so if you’re going to let the boss know that you’ll be on vacation or sick or your Grandmother is going to pass away on September 2nd – the time is now!

Join WRNL and Cyclone Nation in opening the 2010 football season with a bang on September 2nd. Remember the important equation:

Game time – 6 hours of tailgating – drive time = Time to get the fuck on the road!

Worst case scenario, today is the day to get that 2 week notice turned in. We leave you with this Office Space clip as inspiration:

Fantasy Football – WRNL Writers League

Football – the greatest game ever played (we’ll take Ray Lewis over Shia LaBeouf anyday)

Fantasy – that dream of  taking on two midget nurses and Warf from Next Generation in a sweaty sex pile.

Two great words – when their powers combine they make one of the greatest time-wasters ever created: Fantasy Football.  Like any hip and with-it sports website, WRNL recently formed a fantasy football league made up of our writing staff and a couple slutty hangers-on.  The draft was held last Wednesday night and we honor our readers with a chance to review the picks with some commentary from yours truely. 

The league is standard PPR scoring and we start the following: QB, RB1, RB2, WR1, WR2, RB/WR, TE, K, DST

We welcome any comments on how shitty we drafted.