Know Your Enemy Part 8: University of Texas

We’re aware that Texas is liable at any moment to take their ball and go home, if not being publicly fellated by the rest of the conference.  Mr. Dodds, and UT fans/alums everywhere, remember:  we kid because we care.  We still love you tx_chica, it’s just your turn.

STADIUM: The ‘Horns play at Darrel K. Royal Memorial (see, they actually tell you who they’re memorializing) Stadium in Austin,

Hey, at least they slapped a name on it...

which is home to what’s probably the greatest homage to over compensating for a tiny penis in the history of college sports, and that my friends is the Godzilla-tron.

No, they're not overcompensating for anything whatsoever. This is clearly a rationally, functionally sized replay screen.

In fact, the entire state is an exercise in compensating for their midget dicks.  Why else would Texans be so obsessed about making everything, including themselves, bigger?  Classic over compensation.  CLASSIC.  Anyways, DKR is home to one of the most ridiculously overhyped traditions in college football.  For years, I had assumed “The Eyes of Texas” was some great tradition of college football, and then I discovered it’s nothing but “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad”! What the fuck Texas? Was “Pop Goes the Weasel” already taken?  I’m sorry, but there’s nothing cool about changing the words to a fucking nursery rhyme and passing it off as tradition.

MASCOT: Texas’s mascot Bevo, who has already been in WRNL’s crosshairs is a pretty solid mascot. I mean, he (she?) IS a Longhorn.

That IS a tasty burger!

Not much to make fun of there. Texas’ logo, on the other hand… Well, we’ll let the visuals speak for themselves:

Any resemblance there, kids?  I suppose if PETA ever forces the University of Texas to stop naming themselves after animals, they can always fall back on the University of Texas Vaginas, with their mascot, a red blob named “Period”. I’m sure nobody would take offense to that one.

TEAM: Texas loses a lot from last year’s National Title Runner Up, including starting QB, Gizmo.

332/470, 3521 yards, and 27TD/12INTs in 2009

True frosh Garrett Gilbert eventually played well in the National Title game, which Texas should have won if not for some god awful play calling at the end of the first half.  The Horns will be tough again this year, and we probably won’t win, even if they aren’t a National Title caliber team.  I will give Texas credit for this: The Horns phenomenal success over the past decade has made it extremely easy to spot douche bags.  How does this work, you ask?  Well, if you’re outside the State of Texas, you inevitably see people sporting Texas gear. These people are either A) transplanted Texans, or B) bandwagon douche bag fans that probably root for the Yankees, Lakers, Red Wings, and Duke basketball.  They are to be avoided.

AGAINST ISU: Pretty sure we’re like 0-7 against the Horns, but we hung in there for awhile our last time in Austin, which was 2006, and we know how bad that team was. I suppose we can hope to keep it interesting. However, the biggest blow the University of Texas ever dealt ISU was giving us Gene Chizik.

LIMOUSINE GENE DOIN THE DIAMOND CUTTER!!!!!!!!!!!

See, he looks even more retarded in burnt orange. Thanks for that one Texas. He’s behind only Lyndon Johnson and George W. Bush in terms of shittiest leaders to ever come out of your giant tribute to small-man syndrome.

Lastly, we’d like to thank DeLoss Dodds for not only letting us lampoon his school, but making for one hell of an interview. As long as he keeps providing that kind of comedic relief, we’re glad to be his conference bitch.