Know Your Enemy Part 8: University of Texas

We’re aware that Texas is liable at any moment to take their ball and go home, if not being publicly fellated by the rest of the conference.  Mr. Dodds, and UT fans/alums everywhere, remember:  we kid because we care.  We still love you tx_chica, it’s just your turn.

STADIUM: The ‘Horns play at Darrel K. Royal Memorial (see, they actually tell you who they’re memorializing) Stadium in Austin,

Hey, at least they slapped a name on it...



which is home to what’s probably the greatest homage to over compensating for a tiny penis in the history of college sports, and that my friends is the Godzilla-tron.

No, they're not overcompensating for anything whatsoever. This is clearly a rationally, functionally sized replay screen.

In fact, the entire state is an exercise in compensating for their midget dicks.  Why else would Texans be so obsessed about making everything, including themselves, bigger?  Classic over compensation.  CLASSIC.  Anyways, DKR is home to one of the most ridiculously overhyped traditions in college football.  For years, I had assumed “The Eyes of Texas” was some great tradition of college football, and then I discovered it’s nothing but “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad”! What the fuck Texas? Was “Pop Goes the Weasel” already taken?  I’m sorry, but there’s nothing cool about changing the words to a fucking nursery rhyme and passing it off as tradition.

MASCOT: Texas’s mascot Bevo, who has already been in WRNL’s crosshairs is a pretty solid mascot. I mean, he (she?) IS a Longhorn.

That IS a tasty burger!

Not much to make fun of there. Texas’ logo, on the other hand… Well, we’ll let the visuals speak for themselves:

Any resemblance there, kids?  I suppose if PETA ever forces the University of Texas to stop naming themselves after animals, they can always fall back on the University of Texas Vaginas, with their mascot, a red blob named “Period”. I’m sure nobody would take offense to that one.

TEAM: Texas loses a lot from last year’s National Title Runner Up, including starting QB, Gizmo.

332/470, 3521 yards, and 27TD/12INTs in 2009

True frosh Garrett Gilbert eventually played well in the National Title game, which Texas should have won if not for some god awful play calling at the end of the first half.  The Horns will be tough again this year, and we probably won’t win, even if they aren’t a National Title caliber team.  I will give Texas credit for this: The Horns phenomenal success over the past decade has made it extremely easy to spot douche bags.  How does this work, you ask?  Well, if you’re outside the State of Texas, you inevitably see people sporting Texas gear. These people are either A) transplanted Texans, or B) bandwagon douche bag fans that probably root for the Yankees, Lakers, Red Wings, and Duke basketball.  They are to be avoided.

AGAINST ISU: Pretty sure we’re like 0-7 against the Horns, but we hung in there for awhile our last time in Austin, which was 2006, and we know how bad that team was. I suppose we can hope to keep it interesting. However, the biggest blow the University of Texas ever dealt ISU was giving us Gene Chizik.

LIMOUSINE GENE DOIN THE DIAMOND CUTTER!!!!!!!!!!!

See, he looks even more retarded in burnt orange. Thanks for that one Texas. He’s behind only Lyndon Johnson and George W. Bush in terms of shittiest leaders to ever come out of your giant tribute to small-man syndrome.

Lastly, we’d like to thank DeLoss Dodds for not only letting us lampoon his school, but making for one hell of an interview. As long as he keeps providing that kind of comedic relief, we’re glad to be his conference bitch.

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28 Responses to Know Your Enemy Part 8: University of Texas

  1. tx_chica says:

    Well played! Hook ’em!

    Hey….Colt does look a little like Gizmo…WTH??!!

  2. bury_switzer says:

    2 – things. First, I know you had to rag on TEXAS, but this was a pretty weak attempt. Usually, you are very clever, but I think you figured – what’s the use, they’re still TEXAS and everybody knows the score. Second, and this is really important…George Bush is not and was not from TEXAS. He spent only one year in school in TEXAS his entire life and spent most of it in elitist academy outside of TEXAS. He then went to Yale, allegedly served in the National Guard outside of TEXAS, and then went to Harvard after being denied admission from THE University of TEXAS. You don’t have to be born in TEXAS to be a Texan, but you do have to do more that just claim to be Texan. P.S. he didn’t even buy his TEXAS ranch until the late 1999 and it was considered a political move.

    • the more you know says:

      Bury,
      I’m guessing you have a big GW mural painted on your bed room ceiling. GW is like Jesus to all Texans – everybody knows that. Jesus only spent 1 year in Texas too – you gonna call him out?

      • bury_switzer says:

        Actually gw is not like Jesus and Kerry got 40% of the vote in 04. I mean really…when a boring, slow-talking elitest yankee gets 40% of the vote compared to the ex TEXAS governor, then something is wrong. A lot of people in TEXAS are on to gw.

        ~v~

    • I am a Cyentist says:

      Quick question, did you capitalize Texas because everything’s bigger in Texas, even the letters; or is it an acronym of some kind? Texas EXperiences Athletic Shortcomings? Texas Embodies Xenophobia; Absurd State?

      • CanAzn says:

        Titties Enormous, Xtra Awesome. Sweet.

      • bury_switzer says:

        Clever. It shows my enormous respect for one of the country’s most prolific teams. Keep up the jokes they are funny at times and I can make fun of myself and my team. You have a great sense of humor which I would expect from a Iowa State fan.

        ~v~

  3. normanunderwood says:

    As long as GW claims you, you’re stuck with him.

    It’s ok guys, we gave the world Herbert Hoover. He only worsened the Great Depression.

    • olderndirt says:

      I realize that the last depression doesn’t get the classroom time that it should, but Hoover’s policies caused the economy to go into depression, and it was FDR who made it worse. The Japs threw a wrench into his plans, and then he finally died in his fourth term (three too many). I’m starting to miss GW.

      • I am a Cyentist says:

        Uhhh, I’m pretty sure not much in your post is factually accurate (you may be older than dirt. I’ll give you that)

  4. I am a Cyentist says:

    Dubya, clearin’ brush in Crawford and makin’ the world safe from terr’ists!

    Side-note: These are great, but there are only four opponents left. Can you just start shitting on random things that ISU may have beef with?

  5. tx_chica says:

    I don’t mind GW being associated with TEXAS. I can think of much worse…..like the current occupants of the White House.
    Btw, isn’t Iowa sort of responsible for Obama winning the presidency? He made his candidacy credible by winning the Iowa caucus. Hillary finished third which gave Obama all the momentum. Good job Iowa.

    • the more you know says:

      The state of Iowa is responsible for all US Presidents, corn, the atomic bomb, computers and Ashton Kutcher. That’s all ours chica – bask in it for awhile.

      • tx_chica says:

        I think I just threw up in my mouth a little. I had forgotten about Ashton….

  6. normanunderwood says:

    The State of Iowa has officially apologized for Ashton Kutcher, Tom Arnold, and all Hawkeye fans on numerous occasions.

  7. Shambeaux says:

    I love reading these every week and I knew we were going to be getting nailed, but I really expected you to do a little homework first.

    1. Coach Royal is still alive. The Memorial is actually in honor of the 198,520 Texans — 5,280 of whom lost their lives — who fought in World War I. Bad joke, need to check your facts. Google and Wicki are your friends.
    2. Bush is from Conn. so you should be thanking them, not us. His parents bought a house in Midland when he was a kid. He’s a carpetbagger. Didn’t you ever notice that he is the only one in the family with an accent?

  8. Shambeaux says:

    **Wiki**

  9. normanunderwood says:

    We’d like to note that WRNL Previews have no intention of being legitimate or factual.

    Carry on.

  10. CincyJoe says:

    Good stuff…

    Welcome to Big 12 guys! We are huge fans of Iowa State (post Fizer)..

  11. johntitmansonjr says:

    As a UT alum I can say I like your style Boys. I plan on getting drunk in your honor this evening.

  12. fexas says:

    I love that Texas’ stadium is named after a Sooner.
    Royal was born in Oklahoma and played for the Sooners…
    BOOMER!

  13. Shambeaux says:

    Royal my have played for the sooners, but he even saw the light and crossed the Red River. Last time I checked, he was still associated with UT and no ou.

  14. Fearbevo98 says:

    LOL at publicly fellated………….I like that one b/c it’s so true!!!! Respect your daddy…….

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