Bicycles, Bracelets and French People

Lance requests the number of hookers he'd like sent to his room.

Le Tour has le started.
The famous bike ride through the mountains, valleys and white flags of France is in full swing. If you’re American (and who isn’t?) you don’t really know shit about cycling but you do know Lance Armstrong . 

Armstrong is the lanky Texan who has won 7 Tour de France titles, all of them with only three testicles – the fourth was sadly lost to cancer in the late 1990s.  He’s the man in the yellow jersey who Europeans, specifically the French type, love to hate. He laughs right in cancer’s face yet is cool enough to give you the hook up on some sweet rubber bracelets. He’s the guy who has sex with Matthew McConaughey just to rub it in the face of soccer moms everywhere.  The hero of US cycling and the scourge of Le’ Hexagon affectionatos – ladies and gentlemen: Lance Armstrong.  

Lance and his bitch.

Armstrong is also the only professional cycler to never fail a drug test. This achievement alone is considered amazing as nearly 99% of all cyclers throughout recorded history have hit the juice. Steroids are the life blood of professional cycling and Lance is the sparkly Team Edward that abstains from the plasma party for his freaky looking lady friend. [This analogy would have worked even better if his relationship with the Olsen twin was still a go.]    In fact, Lance is apparently so clean that it appears his mere presence on the ride cleanses the urine of the other riders – a feat we’d rather not ponder the dynamics of.  Suffice it to say that Year 1 post-Lance was cyclings version of the Mitchell report.   

Lance unfortunately was one twin away from a Full House

For his part, Lance spent 2006-08 in retirement -killing time by competing in triathlons, riding across the state of Iowa, and shuffling through various Hollywood starlets in an attempt to keep his remaining testicle in peak physical condition.  Then, to the surprise of many, Lance returned to professional cycling in 2009.  Nightmares of Jordan in a Wizard jersey flashed through the heads of the several hundred NBA/US Cycling fans.  Instead Lance’s miracle nut carried him to an impressive 3rd place finish.  

This year at the age of 40 Lance is racing again.  He was caught in a pile up early on and is currently toiling away in 38th place – his magic sack being worked for all its worth.  There’s still time to make up ground, but at almost 40 mins back off the leader a win this year seems nearly impossible.

Admittedly, these Tours of the Frances goes on for seemingly longer than a MLB season.  However we promise it will be over before football season and if you’re a Cubs fan you have nothing better to do anyway.  Follow it here.


5 Responses to Bicycles, Bracelets and French People

  1. tx_chica says:

    I will never forgive him for hooking up with Matthew. Never.

  2. beckster says:

    I’m not proud but I laughed out loud at the full house line!

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