Know Your Enemy Part 11: University of Colorado

We’re aware that the CU piece was supposed to go up last week, but the Pac-10 came over and we got ahold of some dank ass nugs, got totally rocked, and spent the rest of the weekend watching Phish DVDs and covering ourselves in patchouli, while occasionally busting into spontaneous dance and engaging in environmental protest, while awaiting money from our east coast trust funds.  We of course topped the weekend off by throwing garbage at Nebraska fans and refusing to watch college basketball.

STADIUM: CU plays at Folsom Field, which is nestled at the base of the Flatiron Range.  It’s considered one of the most beautiful settings and college football.

This is the only football stadium where you can get a peanut butter, graham cracker and chocolate syrup sandwhich...

However, once you see the actual people there, this changes instantly.  Boulder, CO is basically what Iowa City dreams of being:  a mecca for douche bags.  CU students are known for falling into 2 categories.  The first, and most tolerable category is that of the out-of-state trust fund babies who will spend all of their time telling you how fucking awesome they are, in between cashing out their trust funds to cover their blow habit.  These are the “good” CU fans.  The second kind of CU students are college know it all Hippies.  Between getting stoned, organizing hippy jam fests, getting stoned, stocking up on patchouli oil, getting stoned, listening to Phish bootlegs, and getting stoned, they occasionally catch CU football games and get stoned.   When they aren’t getting stoned, or buying blow off mommy’s credit card, CU fans enjoy assaulting people from Nebraska and throwing garbage.

MASCOT: Colorado’s mascot Ralphie is one of the more recognizable mascots in college football.

"I can't quit you, Bevo"

Ralphie, of course, is most likely gay, and harboring an unrequited crush on Bevo, but that’s a story from another day.  When Ralphie isn’t busy being the catcher, he likes to run around Folsom Field, lead by some guys dressed sorta like cowboys.  Legend has it that Ralphie used to accompany the CU team to road games around the old Big 8, until one day in the early 70’s when Ralphie was brought to Clyde Williams Field, in Ames IA and was pelted with oranges by the student section, causing Ralphie to go completely fucking ballistic and delay kick off by a good 20 minutes.

We at WRNL have learned that this isn’t an entirely accurate account of what actually happened that day.  When interviewing an ISU alumnus who attended that particular game, when asked “did you guys really throw oranges at Ralphie?” he responded “oranges?!?  Fuck.  We threw vodka bottles at that fuckin’ thing.”

Dude in back is psyched that he's not getting sloppy seconds.

Ralphie no longer makes the trip to Ames.

TEAM: The CU football team is lead by one of the most entertaining coaches in the Big 12, Dan Hawkins.  When the Hawk isn’t putting his feet in his mouth by guaranteeing 10 victories (and finishing with 3), he’s recruiting for CU Intramurals (which is ironically where his son Cody will likely see most of his PT this fall).  The Hawk was highly thought of when he came into Boulder, but at this point he’s like Gene Chizik (who he actually lost to) without anyone dumb enough to hire him.

It was "intramurals", Dan. Not "special olympics".

On the field, the Buffs return a decent amount of players from last year, and have made Phil Steele’s Most Improved List, which they’ve done pretty much every year under Hawkins, which makes me to think Phil Steele is starting to lose his shit.  The home team has won this game every year going back to 2004, but the Clones have a very good shot at ending that streak, just as long as A-Rob and Arnaud don’t eat the brownies for breakfast that morning.

AGAINST ISU: There was a time not that long ago when Colorado was winning national titles, and ISU was winning 1 game a year.  Prior to 2000, ISU was god awful against the Buffs.  To the point where I’m not even going to bother to look it up.  Since then, we’ve held our own in the series, including the epic 2005 Tornado game.  However, that’s all coming to an end as CU is bolting for the Pac 10 either next year or the year after.  Apparently the trust fund was running out in Boulder (as evidenced by Hawkins continued employment) and Cal was holding some killer kind bud.  CU can’t wait until those little Eichman’s get a taste of this crunchy groove!  Here at WRNL, we think that CU was  just tired of getting their ass kicked at every Big 12 party by the hard partying, hard working midwestern Ag/Engineering schools, so they took their dank nugs, cliche Bob Marley posters, and blacklights and headed to the Pac-10.  Have fun with (even more) hippies and Mormons!

This is what we imagine CU's entrance into the Pac-10 will look like

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17 Responses to Know Your Enemy Part 11: University of Colorado

  1. CYphyllis says:

    Is it just me, or does Hawkins look like a chubbier version of a young Nick Nolte?

  2. Jerry Rogers says:

    Get your facts right. Ralfie is female. There is no way the buffalo handlers could run a full grown male buffalo around a football stadium.

    When was the last Big 12 championchip game that Iowa State participated in. Iowa state always choked when they had the chance to win the Northern division.

    I’m a CU season ticket holder. Ninety five percent of CU fans do not meet your standards. Hippies don’t go to the games. Most of the students are from Colorado and are just trying to get a good education. Being one of the highest rated public institutions, CU attracts alot of out of state students who do pay higher tuition. Boulder Colorado is one of the most desireable cities to live in the United States.

    CU did not leave the Bevo 12 because of Iowa State. Iowa State would have been left in the cold if the southern schools would have bolted. I would rather go to LA in November than Ames Iowa and freeze my ass off.

    • Elizabeth Hoffman says:

      Geez Jerry. Where to begin?

      1.) Facts cannot be right. They can be correct, straight, or even made-up.
      2.) Congratulations on the Big 12 championship game participation ribbon. I suppose CU gives those out for intramurals as well.
      3.) Questions, in written form, should be concluded with a question mark. (?) You may find this in the lower-right quadrant of your keyboard.
      4.) Numbers, when typed out, should be hyphenated. For example: if you type “ninety-five” the reader will typically assume that you reached some level of education past the eighth grade. If, however, you type “ninety five”, the reader will probably suppose that you merely got a participation ribbon for your middle-school efforts.
      5.) Alot is not a word. Perhaps you meant “allot.” But that wouldn’t make sense then, would it? Oh I get it. You meant “a lot” as in “numerous.” Another synonym would be “trust-fund babies.” Gotcha.
      6.) I know that Boulder is a nice community. But how can you see anything with all those damn mountains in the way? Oh well, to each his own.
      7.) Are you a Morman?

      Have fun in the Pac-12.

      Peace and hugs,
      Cyclone Nation

    • Cy of the Storm says:

      Mr. Rogers get your facts about this site right. I’m fairly certain the author knows Ralfie’s gender, and frankly, didn’t give a damn.

      It would seem you haven’t bothered to look around the rest of the site and just saw someone post an article about CU and had to come defend Ralfie’s honor because of a secret crush you have on her. This site produces satirical articles using common stereotypes, random crap, and the occasional fact like “Folsom field is in Boulder”

      It is a futile effort to repeatedly post the same thing over and over again when no one really cares. All you are doing is identifying yourself as the first category of CU fans that the author mentioned

      • Jerry Rogers says:

        Oh, here is some random crap, getting high at reggae on the rocks later this month.

  3. Jerry Curls says:

    you lost me at “facts” Jerry.

  4. normanunderwood says:

    Jerry, “facts” are not in WRNL’s vocabulary. Do not attempt to insert them into conversation, because we never bother to use them in the first place.

  5. I am a Cyentist says:

    Great work as always, but I’m actually going to miss CU. It’s an almost guaranteed win in basketball, and the Hawk doesn’t look like he’s turning their football program around anytime soon.

    Plus, while their fans may suck, the road trip to Boulder is always a fun weekend. Just make sure to drive the speed limit back to Ames, lest the police find the goodies you picked up in town.

    • CanAzn says:

      Except that year that goddamn Andy Osborn blinded our players with his paleness and thigh high socks. Cheaters.

  6. ThatGuy says:

    I live in Colorado and lets get is straight, the fact that anybody has season tickets to Colorado is surprising, and approaching shocking. When CU bolted for the Pac 12 it was crickets out here. All I know is CU has no way of paying the buyout.
    I also think Ralphie would be better as a 12oz KC strip, then as a mascot, but hey that is just me.

  7. alex says:

    just to get you all hyped up i wanna say this: get a life!

    • st8te says:

      how is that going to get anyone “all hyped up”?

      if you want to get someone hyped up you say things like:

      -don’t mind alex, he has a rash from all the balls slapping his chin and is getting cranky
      -alex, what preventative measures do you use to keep the sand out of your jine?
      -does it smell like a stretched rectum in here, or is that just alex?

      things of that nature

  8. The only good thing about Colorado is…. hmm… wait a minute….
    Cricket chirp…….
    Cricket chirp……

    Can’t actually tell you… I’ve never seen one at the Big XII’s…..

  9. bob schnider says:

    oh you dumb mother fuckers that went to isu…. i mean colorado STATE is bad enough but when you put iowa in instead of colorado that just makes it so much worse. im sorry but what does isu have on colorado……..

    like unathleticsupporter says…… crickets. not shit.

    not athletics as we still rape you every year, academically…. come on please, if you think you are as qualified as Iowa then you do deserve to be at iowa STATE. if you cant go to college go to state….

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