Know Your Enemy Part 11: University of Colorado

We’re aware that the CU piece was supposed to go up last week, but the Pac-10 came over and we got ahold of some dank ass nugs, got totally rocked, and spent the rest of the weekend watching Phish DVDs and covering ourselves in patchouli, while occasionally busting into spontaneous dance and engaging in environmental protest, while awaiting money from our east coast trust funds.  We of course topped the weekend off by throwing garbage at Nebraska fans and refusing to watch college basketball.

STADIUM: CU plays at Folsom Field, which is nestled at the base of the Flatiron Range.  It’s considered one of the most beautiful settings and college football.

This is the only football stadium where you can get a peanut butter, graham cracker and chocolate syrup sandwhich...

However, once you see the actual people there, this changes instantly.  Boulder, CO is basically what Iowa City dreams of being:  a mecca for douche bags.  CU students are known for falling into 2 categories.  The first, and most tolerable category is that of the out-of-state trust fund babies who will spend all of their time telling you how fucking awesome they are, in between cashing out their trust funds to cover their blow habit.  These are the “good” CU fans.  The second kind of CU students are college know it all Hippies.  Between getting stoned, organizing hippy jam fests, getting stoned, stocking up on patchouli oil, getting stoned, listening to Phish bootlegs, and getting stoned, they occasionally catch CU football games and get stoned.   When they aren’t getting stoned, or buying blow off mommy’s credit card, CU fans enjoy assaulting people from Nebraska and throwing garbage.

MASCOT: Colorado’s mascot Ralphie is one of the more recognizable mascots in college football.

"I can't quit you, Bevo"

Ralphie, of course, is most likely gay, and harboring an unrequited crush on Bevo, but that’s a story from another day.  When Ralphie isn’t busy being the catcher, he likes to run around Folsom Field, lead by some guys dressed sorta like cowboys.  Legend has it that Ralphie used to accompany the CU team to road games around the old Big 8, until one day in the early 70’s when Ralphie was brought to Clyde Williams Field, in Ames IA and was pelted with oranges by the student section, causing Ralphie to go completely fucking ballistic and delay kick off by a good 20 minutes.

We at WRNL have learned that this isn’t an entirely accurate account of what actually happened that day.  When interviewing an ISU alumnus who attended that particular game, when asked “did you guys really throw oranges at Ralphie?” he responded “oranges?!?  Fuck.  We threw vodka bottles at that fuckin’ thing.”

Dude in back is psyched that he's not getting sloppy seconds.

Ralphie no longer makes the trip to Ames.

TEAM: The CU football team is lead by one of the most entertaining coaches in the Big 12, Dan Hawkins.  When the Hawk isn’t putting his feet in his mouth by guaranteeing 10 victories (and finishing with 3), he’s recruiting for CU Intramurals (which is ironically where his son Cody will likely see most of his PT this fall).  The Hawk was highly thought of when he came into Boulder, but at this point he’s like Gene Chizik (who he actually lost to) without anyone dumb enough to hire him.

It was "intramurals", Dan. Not "special olympics".

On the field, the Buffs return a decent amount of players from last year, and have made Phil Steele’s Most Improved List, which they’ve done pretty much every year under Hawkins, which makes me to think Phil Steele is starting to lose his shit.  The home team has won this game every year going back to 2004, but the Clones have a very good shot at ending that streak, just as long as A-Rob and Arnaud don’t eat the brownies for breakfast that morning.

AGAINST ISU: There was a time not that long ago when Colorado was winning national titles, and ISU was winning 1 game a year.  Prior to 2000, ISU was god awful against the Buffs.  To the point where I’m not even going to bother to look it up.  Since then, we’ve held our own in the series, including the epic 2005 Tornado game.  However, that’s all coming to an end as CU is bolting for the Pac 10 either next year or the year after.  Apparently the trust fund was running out in Boulder (as evidenced by Hawkins continued employment) and Cal was holding some killer kind bud.  CU can’t wait until those little Eichman’s get a taste of this crunchy groove!  Here at WRNL, we think that CU was  just tired of getting their ass kicked at every Big 12 party by the hard partying, hard working midwestern Ag/Engineering schools, so they took their dank nugs, cliche Bob Marley posters, and blacklights and headed to the Pac-10.  Have fun with (even more) hippies and Mormons!

This is what we imagine CU's entrance into the Pac-10 will look like