Know Your Enemy Part 12: Mizzou

Author’s Note:  due to an extremely busy workload, and vacation, this column has been neglected.  Not to worry Mizzou fans, we haven’t forgotten about you guys!

STADIUM: The Tigers take the field at wait, that’s right, you guessed it, MEMORIAL STADIUM in Columbia, MO.  Thankfully to their credit, Mizzou named the field Faurot Field so people wouldn’t confuse it with the myriad of other Memorial Stadiums around the Big 12.  We can appreciate this slight exercise in creativity.

These guys have looser lips than Lindsay Lohan's crotch!

If you remember from earlier this spring, Mizzou announced to the world that they were actively pursuing membership in the Big 10, thus nearly setting off college football Armageddon.  In an extremely comical turn of events, the Big 10 left Mizzou at the altar, picking those shit heads from Lincoln instead.  Mizzou was basically used like a roofied co-ed at a frat party.   However, we here at ISU are thankful that they couldn’t keep a fucking secret, as those blabbermouths may have accidentally lead to a lesser version of Armageddon.

MASCOT: Missouri’s mascot Truman, is probably the biggest mascot pussy in the Big 12.  While not as intrinsically stupid as Willie the Wildcat, or as creepy as Herby Husker, Truman is clearly confused about his sexuality.

JAZZ HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Most likely named after the flamboyant Truman Capote, Truman the Tiger is often found in the men’s room of Columbia watering holes, tapping his foot under the stalls, Larry Craig style.  We think thus far that his only successful conference hook up was with the Baylor Bear, although we have a strong inkling that Herby Husker went all “Priest on Altar Boy” with Truman when he was a cub.

TEAM: The Tigers return a very good QB in Blaine Gabbert, who had the unenviable task of replacing Chase Daniel.  While Gabbert might actually exceed Daniel’s on-field prowess, he clearly fails to live up to Chase’s undeniable ability to eat his own boogers.

WRNL's Official "Pick of the Week"

While Gabbert clearly has a ways to go in his ability to consume congealed mucus, he’s an effective passer, and the Mizzou offense should be solid once again.  Defensively, the Tigers lose some solid players, but defense hasn’t been their forte anyways.

Donning the head sets is one of the biggest crybaby douche bags in the Big 12, Gary Pinkel.  When he isn’t crying about clearly correct calls (McKenize WAS held on that play)

Hey Gary, do you see that hand grasping that guys jersey? That's what is generally referred to "holding" someone.

, he’s trying his best to look like Bob Stoops.

Not only are you a rip off, but you're ripping off a complete tool. Well done, Pinkel. Well done.

At least we got back to back Visor Fests in the Big 12 title game between ’07 and ’08.

AGAINST ISU: Mizzou gets the unusual distinction for providing both parts of our website title.  Not only did 2 of the choke job Wide Rights come against them, but Mizzou also provided the Natty Light which eventually doomed our beloved Lecherous Larry Eustachy.

READERS: Please pour out a Natty for our fallen homie.

Naturally, our only recourse will be releasing a photoshop of Gary Pinkel and Mike Anderson molesting dogs.  Be careful Mizzou, for revenge is a dish best served cold.

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7 Responses to Know Your Enemy Part 12: Mizzou

  1. tigger says:

    know your audience!

    there is not a single Mizzou fan that can read at a high enough level to conceptualize words like “intrinsically” or “prowess” or “douche bags”

  2. cyflippinbirdie says:

    this one clearly failed to show me anything staters

    • I am a Cyentist says:

      Yeah, where’s the hate? Missouri has so much to hate about it. A brief list:

      1) The abysmal Missouri fanbase, which led to ISU being picked over MU to go to the Insight bowl. Iowa State: 1, Missouri: slaughtered by Navy

      2) Refs hate Missouri so much they gave Colorado five downs to beat the Tigers.

      3) This video:

      • Mizzou12 says:

        Pretty good read I can have a sense of humor with this.

        I’m not sure where the “abysmal fanbase” argument comes from though. Missouri’s home attendance average was 63,219 while Jack Trice only holds 55.000. So while Iowa State was, for some reason, chose over Missouri for the Insight Bowl, it isn’t because of the fanbase.

        I really enjoy the “Know Your Enemy” series though. Some of the stuff on KU and NU and others are pure gold.

  3. normanunderwood says:

    Actually, ISU WAS chosen because of it’s fanbase.

    Missouri is the only FBS (let alone BCS) school in it’s State. Missouri is over twice the size of Iowa, but Iowa has twice as many BCS schools, so there’s much fewer people to go around. ISU fans travel a lot better to bowl games than Mizzou fans do.

    Also, Jack Trice only has 43,000 seats, and ISU has averaged 47,000 in attendance over the past few years. That’s 4,000 people in standing room only EVERY GAME.

    ISU’s fanbase, while smaller (due to things beyond ISU’s control) is more loyal and supportive of the program.

  4. normanunderwood says:

    Not trying to be a tool, but why else would the Insight Bowl take ISU? They knew ISU would bring more people to that game than Missouri would, even though Missouri DOES have a larger fanbase.

    I don’t want to sound overly hard on Missouri fans, because I’ve never been hassled too much in Columbia.

  5. Mizzou12 says:

    Fair enough I see some of your reasoning. I traveled to the Texas Bowl where we got our asses kicked which I’m sure you are aware of, but that is beside the point. I would be surprised if we had 10,000 fans there. It was weak. And i’m not sure support for the Insight Bowl would have been much better. At the same time, and I don’t mean this as a slam on ISU, but the Insight Bowl was a pretty big deal for the team. It was an accomplishment. Mizzou fans were somewhat disappointed with the season and showed it by the poor support in Houston.

    Shows our fanbase, we’ll pack the Cotton Bowl in 07, but 8-4 and a cool town in Houston isn’t good enough. Oh well.

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