Know Your Enemy Part 6: Texas Tech University

In our efforts to ignite a Holy War between the heathens of the ISU fanbase and Mormons, we forgot our preview of Texas Tech. Don’t worry Tech fans! We haven’t forgotten you!

STADIUM: The Red Raiders of Texas Tech take the field at Jones AT&T Stadium in Lubbock, a stadium whose name conjures up images of all that is right with college football, as well as poor cell phone reception.

U.S. Cellular Stadium just sounded too damn commercial

I’ve never really dealt with Texas Tech fans, and I would assume them to be good people, but I’ve overwhelmingly heard from a lot of different fan bases that Tech fans are far and away, the meanest, angriest, and downright shittiest fans in the Big 12.  Being the curious type, we at WRNL decided to investigate this phenomena, and lo and behold we found out that until last year that Lubbock was in a dry county! We had always assumed that dry counties sort of went away with the 19th Amendment, but apparently the folks in charge in West Texas make Mormons look like Keith Richards. Knowing what I now know, the awful behavior of Tech fans is somewhat justified.  If only their fat little girlfriends could obtain some alcohol, they might chill the fuck out.

MASCOT: As previously discussed on WRNL, Raider Red could kick the shit out of Herby Husker, but that’s mostly because Herby Husker is a giant fucking pussy. Raider Red looks like he’s this close to being on the sex offender registry.

Free Mustache Rides!

Apparently showing up at a day care w/a “Free Mustache Rides” t-shirt is frowned upon. Like masturbating in an airplane. Stupid Bin Laden.

Raider Red isn’t Tech’s only mascot. Pre-dating him is the Masked Rider, a dude dressed like a gayer version of Zorro riding a stallion.

I wonder how well horse shit cleans out of astro turf?

It’s as if they borrowed a leftover outfit from a Brokeback role-playing adventure, where Heath was the damsel in distress, and Jake played the role of the suave, mysterious hero who saved the damsel, and pounded her shitbox. In reality, I think other schools just got tired of cleaning up horse dung.

TEAM: For the last decade, Tech was home to the coolest mother-fucking coach in the Big 12, Mike “The Pirate” Leach.  Leach’s Playstation offenses carved up the Big 12 for years, while has dating advice was responsible for thousands of missing v-cards in Lubbock, but it all came to an end when that pussy-ass-bitch Adam James went crying about getting locked in an electrical closet.  Adam James won’t come out the closet…

Leonard Johnson is going to fucking snap you in half.

Now Tommy Tuberville’s in charge. Tech should be in for another solid, but not spectacular season, with a good RB in Baron Batch, and a broiling QB controversy. It’s definitely a winnable game for the Clones, but probably not one we’ll be favored in.  We definitely don’t stand a chance in the “get shown masturbating on ESPN” portion of the competition.

AGAINST ISU: While ISU has only beaten Tech once, that one victory provided the most bad ass moment in the history of sports, period. I need not say anymore, so I’ll let Pete take this one on home…