Know Your Enemy Part 5: University of Utah

EDITORS NOTE: Due to our massive raging boner about Mormons, we got off track and skipped to Utah early. Texas Tech preview will be up next week.

Part 5 in a weekly “up close and personal” look at a 2010 ISU Football opponent.  While we’ve been vindictive, stupid, hypocritical, and just plain mean in prior pieces, here at WRNL, we want those few Utahnians who enjoy the effects of the drink to know our hearts go out to you.  They truly, truly do.

STADIUM: The Utes call Rice-Eccles Field, in Salt Lake City (also known as “America’s Tehran”) home.  They’ve amassed quite a homefield advantage there over the past 5 years, but what Rice-Eccles is most well known for isn’t what’s on the field.  No, Rice-Eccles is home to, BY FAR, the longest bathroom lines in college football. And if you break the rules of the lines, you’ll be subject to a firing squad.

Everyone's taking a leak

But what is the root of this phenomena?  Utah, as you all know, is run by Mormons.  Mormons have enacted a “NO MORE FUN OF ANY KIND!” policy, and 3.2 beer is pretty much the only kind of booze available.

Gov. Dean Vernon Wormer, Utah (R)

If you’ve ever tried to get smashed off of 3.2 beer, you’d know that basically no matter how much of the stuff you drive into your greasy old cheeseburger locker, you won’t feel it.  Thus, everyone spends the whole pregame chugging the crap, and half of the first quarter pissing it out, in a vain attempt to have as much fun as the rest of the world.

Know Your Enemy Part 4: The University of (Northern) Iowa

Welcome to Week 4 of WRNL’s closer look at a 2010 ISU football opponent.

STADIUM: The Hawks, I mean, Panthers, play at lovely Kinnick Stadium, I mean the UNI-Dome, in Iowa Ci-, I mean Cedar Falls.  This banged up air bubble has the distinction of being located on the highest point in Black Hawk County.  If they aren’t busy packing their suitcases to go back to their hometown for the weekend, or watching the Hawkeyes, occasionally UNI students will find some free purple and gold t-shirt that they got at freshman orientation, throw it on over their black and gold, and mosey over to the UNI-Dome (if this isn’t the most creatively named stadium in college football, I’ll eat my fucking shoe) to watch the Panthers.

They just can't wait to change into their 2003 Outback Bowl shirts.

Of course, they love playing ISU, because they get to pretend that they care about UNI for a day, and have another excuse to root against the Clones.

Know Your Enemy Part 3: Kansas State University

Welcome to week 3 of WRNL’s closer look at a 2010 ISU Opponent.

STADIUM: The Wildcats play at Bill Snyder Family Stadium, in Manhattan, Kansas, which features modern amenities such as wooden bleachers, and sheep.

The sheep are just to the left

If you didn’t know, Manhattan has one of the most favorable ratios in the entire Big 12.  No, not female-to-male ratio, but male-to-sheep ratio.  In fact, K-Staters are so fanatical about their sheep, that one of the main tailgate lots in close proximity to the stadium is a sheep pasture, which they kick the sheep out of for home games, so people can park, drink beer, avoid piles of shit, and probably perform beastiality.  I’m aware of the white-trashiness that is Sheep Lot (as the locals call it), because we had the privilege of attending a game there in 2006.

Your intrepid author dodging piles of sheep shit

Besides sheep, the folks in Manhattan really, really, really dig their NASCAR.  Especially Dale Earndhardt.  We actually saw several tailgate set ups were folks were proudly flying the Earndhardt flag above the KSU flag.

I love you Dale!

Yes folks, Manhattan, KS is the epitome of class.  Too bad we don’t have a picture of the grain elevator several blocks east of the stadium.

MASCOT: Is there a worse mascot in college sports than this ass clown?

No Stairway? DENIED!

With an overblown cat head mounted on a completely human body, Willie the Wildcat looks like he was designed by a meth addled sheep fucking legally blind redneck with an IQ of 76.  Wait a minute…  Anyways, when Willie isn’t busy deflecting criticism from people who think a cardinal is a tornado, he’s melting your face off (see link)  

TEAM: As we know, last year KSU snuck out a close one at Farmageddon (best name for a game in the history of organized sports?  I think so!), as the ISU special teams once again ripped our still-beating hearts from our chests.  They feature Dan Thomas, who is a hell of a good running back, but they have question marks at QB.  Their defense got out ran by a guy with a gimp leg, so I’m not as worried about them.

That running back seriously has a pulled groin in this picture. Well done, KSU defense.

No matter, because Bill Snyder will probably be busy getting his Depends changed, or hopefully slipping into BV induced dementia by that point.

AGAINST ISU: We all know that ISU has been less than a power over the years, but guess what you probably didn’t know:  K-State is even worse!  ISU actually has an all time winning record against the Wildcats at 49-39-4.  K-State did dominate the Snyder era, but the series stands at 3-3 over the last 6 seasons, including the epic 2004 comeback, and the 2005 curbstomping which provoked Bill Snyder’s first retirement, saying “When Dan beats you 2 years in a row, you know it’s time to hang ’em up.”  We agree Billy.  We agree.

He's just waiting for that Depends endorsement...

Know Your Enemy Part 2: University of Iowa

Welcome to Part 2 of a weekly series here at WRNL which will give you, our wonderful readers a chance to get to know the opponents on our fall schedule a little bit better…

Week 2 of the 2010 Football season finds the Clones facing their hated arch-rivals, the University of Iowa Hawkeyes, in what is one of the more underrated rivalries in terms of fan passion in the country – even though Hawks pretend like they don’t care.  Let’s take a closer look at the Hawks…

Stadium: As you likely know, Iowa plays their home games in Kinnick Stadium, nestled in the heart of the U of I campus (I use the term “campus” loosely) in FABULOUS Iowa City, IA. In fact Iowa City is so fabulous, that scenes like this are common on game day.

I'm sure he's just trying to help his buddy get something out of his teeth...

WRNL looks at the 2010 ISU Football Season, Part 1: Northern Illinois

We want to introduce a weekly segment which we’re going to do for the next 12 weeks.  We’re going to break down each opponent on ISU’s football schedule in an inane, irreverent, and derogatory fashion.  We can promise you little to no actual analysis, or anything close to resembling an intelligent thought.

As most Cyclone fans know, the first opponent of the 2010 Football Season is the Northern Illinois Huskies.  We’re going to show you just a little more about our first opponent.

Home Stadium: The Huskies play in the creatively titled Huskie Stadium in beautiful, DeKalb, Illinois.  As a member of the illustrious Mid-American Conference, Huskie Stadium regularly draws crowds of upwards of 10,000 people.  With a capacity centering in around 31,000, clearly it’s quite a facility.

This place makes Jack Trice look big

The pride of DeKalb, indeed.

Big 12 Coaches’ Drink of Choice

If you guys are anything like the crew at WRNL, you lose sleep at night wondering what the coaches of the Big 12 drink when they’re looking to kick back, and relax.  Well, you can quit taking a bunch of Ny-Quil and jacking it until you fall asleep.  We have the answers…

North Division:

1) Paul Rhoads, ISU: When he isn’t busy kicking ass, drinking the blood of the unborn to gain superhuman strength, and pissing excellence, we all know that when Paul gets home from a long day of awesomeness, he goes out to the garage, cracks open a High Life, and cranks “Simple Man”.

FREEBIRD!

2) Turner Gill, KU: This is the guy that doesn’t let his coaches swear at players. Diet Rite. No ice, please.

I bet he's just as bland in the bedroom.

3) Gary Pinkel, Mizzou: As Cyclone fans, we know how much Gary likes to throw a fit when he doesn’t get his way. Be it crying over an obvious holding call that cost him the game in 2006, or crying when they get passed up by the Insight Bowl because Missouri fans don’t travel for shit, we know how much he likes to whine. Thus, some fermented grapes are in order, but remember, nothing too classy. He does live in Missouri. Barefoot White Zinfandel is Mr. Pinkel’s drink of choice.

Yes Gary, we get it. You're all about balls. Tell us something we don't know.

That Time RC Slocum Tried to Murder Us…

An unfiltered account of my trip to the 2009 Iowa State – aTm game (may contain excessive stupidity)

Day I

We hit the road in West Des Moines around 5PM Thursday in a downpour. The first part of the drive to Kansas City was uneventful. My buddy, the world’s biggest deer hunter, was spotting 8 point bucks a half mile away in the dark. As we hit KC, I realize the Garmin is trying to send me through Wichita via 2-lane highways to get to Tulsa. This is the equivalent of going through Sioux City while trying to get from Minneapolis to Des Moines. I know this is wrong, yet at the argument of the rest of the car, I go against my better judgement. As it’s clear that technology is leading us astray, I tell my friend the Garmin can suck my balls, and I find Highway 71 south to Joplin, and then Tulsa. We eventually find that his roomate had borrowed it the past weekend, and fucked with all the settings, and put filters on that kept it from showing routes with tolls. He’s probably getting his ass kicked while we speak. We get to Tulsa around midnight, get my cousin and get headed to Houston. At this point, my buddy Worden’s farts are becoming noxious and uncontrollable.

Like Le Bartender told me, watch out for those cops in Oklahoma. We get pulled over for having the light out above my license plate. The light is not out. The cop grills us about running drugs, and then decides not to search the car because “my shift is almost over”. At least that’s what I think he said. He was indecipherable.

Al Mart. NE Texas, 3AM

We reach Houston at 8AM, tired and strung out from too much caffeine. I go for a run. Then chug a beer as soon as I get back to my buddy’s place. This is a terrible idea. I want to die, yet am unable to sleep. We lay around for several hours, watching the Playboy channel, and farting. Finally we decide to go out and get some BBQ. It is delicious. We’re full and tired. Back to Joe’s. More Playboy Channel and farting.

A Conference Call between Delaney, Pollard, and Barta…

(Phone rings in the Big 10 Head Office)

Delaney: (talking to secretary off the phone, yet clearly audible) How the hell did this asshole get my number? Alvarez? Fucking loud mouth spi-

Pollard: JIM! JIM! Did you get my messages?

Delaney: All 150 of them? No. Not a clue. I had no idea you guys wanted in.

Pollard: Oh, thank God. I was worried you hadn’t gotten any of them. Do you know about ISU’s excellent research program?

Delaney: Seriously. Do you think we care about any of that?

Pollard: But it’s in your bylaws!

Delaney: (evil cackle) BYLAWS?!

Barta: Hey! What the hell is going on here? How in the sam hell did Pollard get a hold of you?

Delaney: Barta, get on your knees, thank God Iowa is already part of the Big 10, and start sucking.

Pollard: But Mr. Commissioner, we’re #22 in the Director’s Cup.

Delaney: You have a great volleyball program. Do you want a fucking cookie? Mother of god…

Barta: If you even entertain letting ISU into the Big 10, we’re out.

Delaney: Don’t let the door hit you…

Pollard: (interrupting) So you’re saying there’s a chance? He’s just afraid that it’s actually going to count when we kick their ass. You know, over the last 12 years ISU is leading the series. We’re ruling the di-hexade!

Delaney: We’re not letting you in either. Good lord, are you people retarded?

Pollard: As retarded as your mom! (giggles like a school girl)

Delaney: (hangs up phone)

Pollard: So, Gary, I’m thinking about putting up a banner across from Kinnick to celebrate our basketball victory. It’s a Cyclone STATE!! YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Barta: Fuck you. (hangs up phone)