Know Your Enemy: A Review

This guy would break the Hinrich scale of douchiness

Earlier this week WRNL concluded our Know Your Enemy series, which allowed ISU fans to get a more intimate portrait of the opponents on this year’s football schedule.  The pieces were met with reactions which ranged from rage to condescension, from giggling like a mental patient to outright hatred, and in several cases, to extreme sexual arousal.

We’d like to recap this feature and rate each respective fan base’s reaction on the Hinrich Scale of Douche-Baggery.  The Hinrich Scale is named after former KU basketball star and former ISU verbal commit Kirk Hinrich, after whom the vaginal irrigation device was originally named.  Having grown up in Sioux City, and attending KU, we don’t feel he had much of a chance at a normal life, but that’s irrelevant.

1 Hinrich = Very non-douchey, the highest compliment an opponent can receive

10 Hinrichs = Ashton Kutcher – literally the highest level of douche possible.

Let’s get started!

NORTHERN ILLINOIS [link]
This was our first piece, and was met with a tepid reaction from the NIU fanbase.

Scott asks “Was this written by an 8th grader? We’ll let our football do the talking this fall, like we did in 2003. Enjoy your summer ‘cyclone’ fans.”

Of course, the stupid asshole conveniently forgot the last game that ISU and NIU played,  ISU won.  Generally though, NIU didn’t seem to fuss too much. So we’ll give them a 6 on the Hinrich Scale.

 
 

IOWA [link]
Let’s just get this out of the way.  Iowa is getting a shit-load of Hinrichs.  There probably isn’t a fan base in America with such a bloated sense of entitlement or blatant lack of objectivity regarding themselves.  Hawk fans generally have no concept of the idea of self-deprecating humor and honestly think the rest of the country views them as an elite program.

In a typical show of Hawkeye pride, Hawk4life responded with “Apparently, this statement is true”….it’s ISU’s SuperBowl”! For the LOVE of GOD, it’s only May and you CyClown idiots are already talking about this game, a game by the way, where you will get a beat down by more than 4 TD’s! Enjoy your toilet bowl win last year and call us when you win a bowl game that has some significance!!”

What a brilliant piece of writing. 9 Hinrichs for the Hawks.

 
 

KANSAS STATE [link]
The Wildcats for the most part are good shit.  Bring on the Cats is a funny blog, and I’ve been treated well in the Little Apple.

Gap, a KSU fan who took a few swipes back at the State of Iowa clearly had a sense of humor about the excessive bestiality references and redneck jokes, ending his comments with:  “That being said funny shit, and your blast of KU is awesome as well.” KSU ranks pretty low on the Hinrich Scale, at a 3.

 
 

NORTHERN IOWA [link]
Most UNI fans are just Hawk fans wearing purple for a day, and it showed in their responses.

From poster Iowa State Is A Disgrace, we got this gem:  “wow dude, whoever wrote this article is a complete idiot. The only thing that Iowa State has going for it is wrestling and occasionally volleyball. UNI basketball program takes the cake for the state of Iowa, Iowa takes the cake for football and yes wrestling as Iowa State gets their ass kicked every year by Iowa. If you are so heralding of Iowa State, check this out, UNI has beaten Iowa State 3 out of the last 4 years in basketball. They also have more tournament appearances and conference championships. You should just be praising Texas for keeping the Big 12 together otherwise you would end up in a non BCS conference because no one wants ISU.”

Go fuck yourselves UNI.  9 Hinrichs for the Panthers.

 
 

UTAH [link]
Ah, MORMONS.  Their inability to take a joke made Iowa and UNI look good. Perhaps their angered responses were a reaction to a life without sex and drugs? Either way, the Ute fans threw a gigantic shit fit. Here are some of our personal favorites.

Iowa Ute:  “Nice to see bigotry is alive and well at Iowa State. What a horrible attempt at humor and satire. You should be ashamed/embarrassed.”
The Corporation:  “This isn’t “talking trash.” This is just religious bigotry. Sad, unfunny and very pathetic. No wonder no conference wants your pathetic school and equally pathetic athletic department”.
CYphillis:  “I think it’s time to ease back on the Mormons and give them credit for one of the greatest sexual revolutions ever achieved, the art of soaking: The art of having sex, without thrusting. When a couple “sticks it in” and then leaves it there to “soak.” This has become a common phenomenon with certain groups of Christians (predominantly Mormons) who try to circumvent the law of chastity.“

For the Utes? 10 Acid-tripping Hinrichs having thrust-filled premarital sex with each other

 
 

TEXAS TECH [link]
We don’t think we got a single response from actual Tech fans, although there were several Longhorns who found it hilarious.  We’re going to go ahead and give Tech 5 Hinrichs, based on [WRNL writer] Intoxcycated’s horror stories of road trips to Lubbock (to be fair, if you saw him at a game you would assume he’s a sociopath), as well as horror stories about Lubbock from other Big 12 fanbases.

5 Hinrichs for the Sand Aggies.

 
 

OKLAHOMA [link]
The Sooners were one of our favorite fan bases in all of this.  We BLASTED those guys from everything from Toby Keith to their propensity to cry on National television, and they took it like Jenna Haze does a money shot.

Soonerram said:  “I have to admit – nice slams. Well played. Now go get your effin’ shnebox!”.

Well timed Goodfellas references always earn you points.  2 Hinrichs.

 
 

TEXAS [link]
The Horns were good sports as well.  They were a little more defensive than the Sooners, being quick to point out the George Bush was NOT a Texan, but I think they took it well for the most part.

bury_switzer had this to say:  “Keep up the jokes they are funny at times and I can make fun of myself and my team. You have a great sense of humor which I would expect from a Iowa State fan”

I mean, there’s only so much smack we can throw at Texas. 2 Hinrichs for the Horns.

 
 

NEBRASKA [link]
Just when you thought that the Utes were the biggest bitches on our schedule, Herbie and his merry band of nut-sack ticklers decided to show their true colors.  The retarded comments by Nebraska fans were so numerous, that I feel decorum prohibits listing them here.  (Actually, I’m just lazy, so I’ll link it.)

The Huskers broke totally new ground here, so guess what?  10 Hinrichs for Nebraska.  You hear that Nebraska?  Iowa fans were less douchey! Its like you’re trying to fail.

 
 

KANSAS [link]
Kansas fans don’t even know they have a football team, so they hardly even count.  Regardless, Jayhawk fans are generally tools, as are all KU basketball players, so we obviously have to give them a high ranking on the Hinrich scale.  After all, they DID give us the douchery of Kirk Hinrich.

9 Hinrichs for the Duke Jr.

 
 

COLORADO [link]
Buffalo fans were too busy sparking their bowl to care.

Except for Jerry Rogers, who showed up to provide us with his list of “facts”.  Unfortunately, Mr. Rogers didn’t get the memo that we don’t care about “facts”.  Won’t you be my neighbor?

7 Hinrichs for the Pac-10 bound or then again maybe not, Buffaloes.

 
 

MIZZOU [link]
Missouri fans found many of our other send-ups to be absolutely riotous – providing WRNL with a lot of hits.  They really enjoyed the Nebraska piece, pleasuring themselves throughout the Herbie heckling.  However, with the focus on them, it was quickly obvious Mizzou couldn’t handle being on the receiving end.

Anyone can laugh at someone else, but if you can’t laugh at yourself, you suck.  6 Hinrichs for Mizzou.

Know Your Enemy Part 12: Mizzou

Author’s Note:  due to an extremely busy workload, and vacation, this column has been neglected.  Not to worry Mizzou fans, we haven’t forgotten about you guys!

STADIUM: The Tigers take the field at wait, that’s right, you guessed it, MEMORIAL STADIUM in Columbia, MO.  Thankfully to their credit, Mizzou named the field Faurot Field so people wouldn’t confuse it with the myriad of other Memorial Stadiums around the Big 12.  We can appreciate this slight exercise in creativity.

These guys have looser lips than Lindsay Lohan's crotch!

If you remember from earlier this spring, Mizzou announced to the world that they were actively pursuing membership in the Big 10, thus nearly setting off college football Armageddon.  In an extremely comical turn of events, the Big 10 left Mizzou at the altar, picking those shit heads from Lincoln instead.  Mizzou was basically used like a roofied co-ed at a frat party.   However, we here at ISU are thankful that they couldn’t keep a fucking secret, as those blabbermouths may have accidentally lead to a lesser version of Armageddon.

MASCOT: Missouri’s mascot Truman, is probably the biggest mascot pussy in the Big 12.  While not as intrinsically stupid as Willie the Wildcat, or as creepy as Herby Husker, Truman is clearly confused about his sexuality.

JAZZ HANDS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Most likely named after the flamboyant Truman Capote, Truman the Tiger is often found in the men’s room of Columbia watering holes, tapping his foot under the stalls, Larry Craig style.  We think thus far that his only successful conference hook up was with the Baylor Bear, although we have a strong inkling that Herby Husker went all “Priest on Altar Boy” with Truman when he was a cub.

TEAM: The Tigers return a very good QB in Blaine Gabbert, who had the unenviable task of replacing Chase Daniel.  While Gabbert might actually exceed Daniel’s on-field prowess, he clearly fails to live up to Chase’s undeniable ability to eat his own boogers.

WRNL's Official "Pick of the Week"

While Gabbert clearly has a ways to go in his ability to consume congealed mucus, he’s an effective passer, and the Mizzou offense should be solid once again.  Defensively, the Tigers lose some solid players, but defense hasn’t been their forte anyways.

Donning the head sets is one of the biggest crybaby douche bags in the Big 12, Gary Pinkel.  When he isn’t crying about clearly correct calls (McKenize WAS held on that play)

Hey Gary, do you see that hand grasping that guys jersey? That's what is generally referred to "holding" someone.

, he’s trying his best to look like Bob Stoops.

Not only are you a rip off, but you're ripping off a complete tool. Well done, Pinkel. Well done.

At least we got back to back Visor Fests in the Big 12 title game between ’07 and ’08.

AGAINST ISU: Mizzou gets the unusual distinction for providing both parts of our website title.  Not only did 2 of the choke job Wide Rights come against them, but Mizzou also provided the Natty Light which eventually doomed our beloved Lecherous Larry Eustachy.

READERS: Please pour out a Natty for our fallen homie.

Naturally, our only recourse will be releasing a photoshop of Gary Pinkel and Mike Anderson molesting dogs.  Be careful Mizzou, for revenge is a dish best served cold.

Know Your Enemy Part 11: University of Colorado

We’re aware that the CU piece was supposed to go up last week, but the Pac-10 came over and we got ahold of some dank ass nugs, got totally rocked, and spent the rest of the weekend watching Phish DVDs and covering ourselves in patchouli, while occasionally busting into spontaneous dance and engaging in environmental protest, while awaiting money from our east coast trust funds.  We of course topped the weekend off by throwing garbage at Nebraska fans and refusing to watch college basketball.

STADIUM: CU plays at Folsom Field, which is nestled at the base of the Flatiron Range.  It’s considered one of the most beautiful settings and college football.

This is the only football stadium where you can get a peanut butter, graham cracker and chocolate syrup sandwhich...

However, once you see the actual people there, this changes instantly.  Boulder, CO is basically what Iowa City dreams of being:  a mecca for douche bags.  CU students are known for falling into 2 categories.  The first, and most tolerable category is that of the out-of-state trust fund babies who will spend all of their time telling you how fucking awesome they are, in between cashing out their trust funds to cover their blow habit.  These are the “good” CU fans.  The second kind of CU students are college know it all Hippies.  Between getting stoned, organizing hippy jam fests, getting stoned, stocking up on patchouli oil, getting stoned, listening to Phish bootlegs, and getting stoned, they occasionally catch CU football games and get stoned.   When they aren’t getting stoned, or buying blow off mommy’s credit card, CU fans enjoy assaulting people from Nebraska and throwing garbage.

Know Your Enemy Part 10: University of Kansas

Welcome to the 10th part in WRNL’s weekly preview of an Iowa State opponent

STADIUM: Now, those of you who read regularly will remember that our IT guy fucked up the week we previewed OU and gave us a picture of KU’s Memorial Stadium, because all of these damn Memorial Stadiums are so hard to keep straight.

Yes, angry Kansas fans. We know this is in Oklahoma. We already put your stupid stadium in the wrong preview, so please, bear with us.

Located in lovely Lawerence, KS, Kansas Memorial Stadium features all kinds of amenities such as no place to park, and a track.  For years, it was Duke North, a barren football wasteland, kept in operation solely on the back of basketball success.  Then a corpulent Italian with a penchant for verbal abuse and profanity spurred unprecedented success, actually winning a BCS bowl.  Of course, KU rewarded him in the most logical way possible:  by canning his ass and hiring an unproven choir boy.  Now things in Lawrence are back to normal, as most people have forgot that there are sports played between April and November.  Of course, after UNI won the ESPY for “Biggest Upset”, they’ve been trying to forget about that other sport, too.

MASCOT: Like Nebraska, KU has two mascots Big Jay and Little Jay.  Now, KU’s mascots don’t look like pedophiles, or shower rapists, but they definitely suck.  And that’s an insult to meth addled lot lizards up and down I-70.  In what has become a terrible Kansan mascot trend, they put an animal’s head on top of someone dressed like a football player.

Little Jay is actually Sherron Collins's ex, who has been placed in the Witness Protection Program.

To KU’s credit, they at least made a half assed attempt to make it look more bird like, with those shitty excuses for wings being sown on the arm.  Also, Big Jay’s facial expressions are particularly troubling.  What is he worried about?  Does he have a massive duker that’s been turtle heading for the last three hours?  Did Turner Gill catch him swearing?  Is Little Jay “late”?  The world may never know…

TEAM: With Mangino out the door, for basically acting like every coach I ever had in my life, there’s a new sheriff in town.  And he’s bringing his cuss jar.  No longer will KU players be able to respond to such despondent situations as the loss of Todd Reesing, Des Briscoe, Kerry Meier (and everyone else worth a damn on their team) with Eric Cartman-esque stream-of-consciousness profanity.  No longer will “tampon dick shit” be an acceptable phrase at KU football practices.  No, now KU players will be shining examples of moral fiber and clean language.

Now, this doesn’t mean Turner Gill is afraid to get stern with his players.  WRNL has stumbled across this exclusive gif file that clearly demonstrates Gill’s favorite form of discipline:

So please, KU players:  think of Charlie Murphy’s couch the next time you feel the need to drop an “F” bomb.

AGAINST ISU: So these shit heads have been a giant thorn in our side for something like 5 years in a row.  Fun fact:  2 of these losses have contributed to the name of this website!  Regardless, with absolutely no player of consequence, or the foul mouthed linguine eating tyrant who made this hell hole competitive returning, the Clones should get some well deserved revenge against the Jayhawks.  Yes, the Jayhawks may have a long running streak of “scoreboard”, but  they still have the worst chant in the history of college sports.

Know Your Enemy Part 9: University of Nebraska

Editor’s Note: Norman has seemingly forgot how to count yet again. Kansas preview will run next week. In the meantime, we are enrolling Norman in a “principles of Math” class at the University of Phoenix.

We regret to inform our readers that this will be the first and only time WRNL previews the University of Nebraska.  The Cornhuskers took their ball, went home, and decided to move to the Big 10.

STADIUM: The Huskers take the field at yet another creatively named Memorial Stadium ($10 says some irrate Husker fan leaves a comment telling us what group the stadium is named in honor of), in Lincoln NE.

I can assure you this stadium is not in Norman, OK, Columbia, MO, or Lawrence, KS

Lincoln, of course, is home to the fat girl. Ames isn’t exactly the Grove, but my god if a trip to Lincoln don’t make a guy feel appreciative for what he has.

Know Your Enemy Part 8: University of Texas

We’re aware that Texas is liable at any moment to take their ball and go home, if not being publicly fellated by the rest of the conference.  Mr. Dodds, and UT fans/alums everywhere, remember:  we kid because we care.  We still love you tx_chica, it’s just your turn.

STADIUM: The ‘Horns play at Darrel K. Royal Memorial (see, they actually tell you who they’re memorializing) Stadium in Austin,

Hey, at least they slapped a name on it...

Know Your Enemy Part 7: University of Oklahoma

Welcome to the 7th part of WRNL’s look at a 2010 ISU Football opponent.

Stadium: The Sooners take the field at one of at least 6 Big 12 Stadiums to be named “Memorial Stadium”.  We get it, you want to memorialize something/one, but who damnit?  WHO?

Wait? Is this the wrong Memorial Stadium? Fucking IT guy, I tell ya...

Memorial Stadium is located in lovely Norman, Oklahoma, which is home to a big fucking casino right off the interstate, warm beer, and Toby Keith.  Thanks for that one Oklahoma.  Now the rest of the world thinks all Americans are borderline retarded tone-deaf rednecks with bad haircuts.

Seriously, Oklahoma. You should be ashamed of yourselves.

Know Your Enemy Part 6: Texas Tech University

In our efforts to ignite a Holy War between the heathens of the ISU fanbase and Mormons, we forgot our preview of Texas Tech. Don’t worry Tech fans! We haven’t forgotten you!

STADIUM: The Red Raiders of Texas Tech take the field at Jones AT&T Stadium in Lubbock, a stadium whose name conjures up images of all that is right with college football, as well as poor cell phone reception.

U.S. Cellular Stadium just sounded too damn commercial

I’ve never really dealt with Texas Tech fans, and I would assume them to be good people, but I’ve overwhelmingly heard from a lot of different fan bases that Tech fans are far and away, the meanest, angriest, and downright shittiest fans in the Big 12.  Being the curious type, we at WRNL decided to investigate this phenomena, and lo and behold we found out that until last year that Lubbock was in a dry county! We had always assumed that dry counties sort of went away with the 19th Amendment, but apparently the folks in charge in West Texas make Mormons look like Keith Richards. Knowing what I now know, the awful behavior of Tech fans is somewhat justified.  If only their fat little girlfriends could obtain some alcohol, they might chill the fuck out.